Fixing the broken

I’m baaaaack….didja miss me?

I’ve spent the last while in an incredibly introspective space. I needed that. Because of my retreat to the brain space, I’ve had time to think about me, who I was, who I am and who I want to be. End result? I’m becoming more and more comfortable in my skin as days go by and I am taking the time to think about the things that have, do and will define me as a person.  In short, I am figuring out who I am, what I want my legacy to be and how to make that happen.

The problem with my braincation and my love of analyzing myself is it is always a prime opportunity for me to totally diss me.  I am one of the many who let that horrible, terrible voice run rampant in my head.  I love to criticize, degrade and totally berate myself and I’m good at it.  The effects are endless.  I have Major (yes, capital M) issues with confidence, worth, respect, love, kindness, passion, trust.  Despite those issues, I’ve been working on moving from a place where those issues define my being to a place where those things are part of my being.  Easy peasy, right?. Not.

For many years, I allowed sexual power, manipulation, dishonesty, chaos, drama and darkness to rule my world.  Mostly because I didn’t want to have real quiet because with the quiet creeps up time to think.  With thinking comes realizations and I didn’t want to make any of those realizations. I wasn’t ready to make any of those realizations.  I was using negativity to distract myself from the real conversations I needed to have with myself. Basically, negativity was my security blanket.

Then one day…something happened.  Something changed.  I changed.

I followed my usual motis operandi and I became a part of something I shouldn’t have.  Why? Well, simply because I could. I needed to flex my power, flex my allure and flex the inevitable destruction that would follow. I needed to see, feel and be in that state one more time.  I needed that to realize that I didn’t want that and that I am more than that. To me, this past blunder represents so much of my time and energy over the years. I wasn’t just feeling the effects of this one time, I was feeling and sort of reliving all of the “one times” I’ve had over the years. I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions. Guilt, indignation, anger, denial, acceptance, shame, cruelty, justification, enlightenment, happiness, terrified, free and at peace.  I have accepted responsibility for my part in all of the hurts I’ve caused, to my current spouse, former quasi-spouse, children, friends, family and most importantly, to myself.

I often tell tales of days gone by and of “how I used to be”.  I used to be: skinny, hot, sexy, crazy, willing to do anything (and anywhere I might add), a bitch, fun, outgoing, easy-going, up for anything and someone you wanted to party with. Once upon a time I was proud of that. Now, when I think of my “used to be’s” all I hear is…I used to be insecure, unable to be trusted, confused, lacking in morals and strong values, superficial, and unstable.  I want my future to be defined with “I am’s”. So…

I am leaving my “used to be’s” where they belong. In my past.

I am letting go.

I am no longer that girl.

I am no longer broken.

These lyrics say it all (I changed them slightly to reflect my singular self)…

Never underestimate the fight in me

Ollie ollie ollie ollie let me free

You can never hold me down…

Rising up is all the rage…

You’ll never keep me locked…locked up

I’m like a Lion in a Cage

 

He said, She said or Teachers said, Government said

Currently, in our great Province of British Columbia, there is public unrest because of contract negotitations for our teachers. There has been a lot of information, a lot of slandering and a lot of opinions flying back and forth so I thought I would weigh in on the issue as well.

I’d like to start by saying that I can only imagine if we, the public, are all having such confusing, round-about conversations on this topics, the negotiation team is probably even in worse shape.

From what I understand and have researched, the teachers are looking for a total of 15% wage increase over three years plus a slew of additional medical, dental and time benefits. In a healthy, thriving economy I could support such a wage demand; however, in our current fiscal climateI think that teachers need to be more realistic about a wage increase. Is our Government trying to be rid of our defict on the backs of it’s public servants and social programs? It appears so and I don’t agree with that method HOWEVER they are our current elected Government and our current fiscal environment is everyone’s fault. It is the result of many years of over spending, leading hugely consumer-based lifestyles and not being aware that we are all living well beyond our means. Our current elected party is attempting to keep our Province afloat. Is this a good thing? Absolutely, is their method sound? I don’t think so but I don’t have a better solution either. I’m not convinced that having a party with looser purse strings is such a great idea either. I mean, if we start handing out relatively large wage increases to public sectors, how will we pay for that? Will it result in layoffs? How will those layoffs affect our Province? To me, being employed and not getting a raise is far better than getting a raise and risking unemployment. Mass layoffs and increased unemployment would have a much larger, devastating domino effect than simply remaining status quo.

While we’re on the topic of wage increases, the Government actually has identified that wage increases are possible BUT savings have to be seen elsewhere. What does this mean? It means that money funding special programs could be cut and that money be directed towards salary dollars, money allocated for supplies could be cut and funnelled to pay the teachers OR perhaps the teachers could look at what they’re paying their Union representation and lobby for a decrease in fees. That would certainly provide some money to funnel back into the teacher’s pockets. Which begs the next question…what about the BCTF? Has anyone taken the time to stop and really sift through their financial statements? How much does the President and the Administration make? What do their expense accounts look like? Are they lining their pockets off the backs of teachers and then pointing the finger at the Government? Union representation should be about protecting the workers in the workforce. I say we start looking at our Union organizations and identify areas that could be improved. I mean, what would happen if you ran local elections and the teacher that won the election was excused from teaching (a TOC could easily fill in) and was given supplemental pay for their additional duties. I think that someone in the system would be able to give a more accurate account of how the education system really runs and I truly believe that public support would be far, far greater than it is now. My opinion on this stretches to all of the Public Service Unions.

The BCTF says that this fight is really about class size, composition and learning environments. Well, the Supreme Court has already ruled that legislating the ability to negotiate for class size and composition was unconstitutional so why ins’t the BCTF using that? If this battle really isn’t about wages, lower the wage ask to something reasonable and do-able and demand that class size, composition, better supplies and greater teaching assistance be put back on the table. I guarantee that the teachers would have just about every single parent in British Columbia fighting their fight and it would force our Government to stand up and take notice.

Our entire education system needs an overhaul. It’s old and archaic. Right now, teachers who have the most seniority, not necessarily the best teachers, but the most senior teachers are the ones who get the jobs. These are often ones who are riding out the last couple of years to retirement (notice I said OFTEN not ALL) and they are starting to burn out whereas many new teachers, who are excited, armed with new information, a freshly minted degree and are chalk full of energy, are the ones to spend years on TOC lists just waiting for their chance to make a difference. That needs to change. There needs to be a way to determine which teachers are the best ones to be teaching our children and they need to be fairly compensated for that. Administration…we have had the good fortune of having exceptional principals for our kids’ schools, until the last rotation when we lost, in my opinion, two of the best principals in all of the city. Those principals should be evaluated and compensated accordingly. To me, a Principal who stands outside monitoring the playground, takes the time to know each child in their school and is present at every award function, Christmas concert and puts their heart and souls into their schools deserve more money than a Prinicpal who shows up and sits in his office all day long. There needs to be a system of determining how to and who to compensate.

I also think that teachers need to stop complaining about being teachers. I’ve often heard the argument, when talking about compensation – which this is not supposed to be about wages, that teachers have to go to school for a long time. They have to work long days, they have to pay for some supplies out of pocket, they have hard jobs. Here’s my take on this. It was your choice to become a teacher – and no, I will not accept the “someone has to do it” line either. You chose to go to school for many years and you chose to do this job. There are perks to this job that are never talked about but I think should be acknowledged. Your “vacation” always lines up to that of your child’s reducing childcare costs. That is a huge benefit. You work Sept – June but earn a “yearly salary”. This is where the 9 – 10 hour day argument loses all merit because you only work those hours for 10 months out of the year! I would love to have two months off in the summer!! Let’s talk about some of the employer-paid benefits you receive. Paid sick time AND someone to cover your workload while you’re gone. Paid stat holidays OFF. Some people have to work those days. There’s the extended medical and dental benefits. Topped-up maternity leave. A PENSION! Those are all things that make for an above-standard lifestyle here in Canada. Those benefits are not available to everyone and they are all worth their weight in gold. I wish that teachers would stop complaining about being teachers and start focussing on the education system.

In closing, I’d like to note that I do support the teachers. I appreciate all that they do for the children of our Province. I want class sizes to be reasonable. I want teachers and the students to have adequate supplies in their class rooms. I support a fiscally responsible Government. I support a change to our education system.

I do not support a 15% wage increase. I do not support additional time off for professional development, sick leave, 5 years ( ) maternity leave, or anything else like that. I do not support abusive, juvenile or disrespectful picketing. I do not support Bill 22. I do not support bullying tactics from either party or using our children as pawns.

There is no easy solution but I’[m sure there is one. It’s going to require compromise from BOTH SIDES and I’m not sure either party is really ready sit down and compromise. Unfortunately, until that changes this will remain in a stalemate situation.

8 years and counting

Eight years ago, I signed on the dotted line and married my best friend.  It wasn’t a lavish ceremony, actually it was quite the opposite.  He was more dressed up than I was and I don’t think either of us really knew what we were in for.  All we knew is that we loved each other, wanted to spend our lives together and come hell or highwater, we were doing it.

There were many, and I repeat MANY, people against our Union.  Our Mother’s weren’t there, all of our friends weren’t there, our kids weren’t there.  It was quick, it was funny and no one thought it would last.  As a matter of fact, some people placed bets on how many years it would take until we were divorced…hey, never said our friends were classy.

To the surprise of many, and even to ourselves, we are not divorced.  We will not be getting divorced and we are more in love today than we were so many years ago.  We have seen so many trials and tests.  We have been pushed almost to our breaking point but in those moments, the ones that really count…neither of us could walk away from the other.

There have been many great stories of love written over the years and for some reason, that is the standard in which we try to live up to.  But those stories are just that.  Stories.  They aren’t real.  They skim the surface of what real love is.  I am one of the blessed few who has real love.  It’s not always pretty, it’s not always easy but it’s always worth it.

I love you dear Husband.  I love you so very much.

Happy Anniversary.

College

I am starting to question my sanity. When Rob and I bought our house, I gave myself a year off. A year off of school, trying to further my career, trying to get “ahead”. I lasted four months. I took the leap and applied to two separate programs. I’m crazy nervous.

I pride myself on over-coming a lot of
statistics. I was a 3x high school drop out BUT I managed to graduate (with honours) in 2009. I was a teenaged mother and went on to have my second baby at 23. Not only have I managed to raise two very beautiful children but I never lost custody, my children have the same father and I didn’t rely on the system to support us. I got my first job with the Government. I am pleased to say I’m coming up on my 10 year service award. I was in an abusive relationship but managed to break free and leave. And finally, I was raised by an alcoholic and I’ve managed to break that cycle.

The reason I laid that all out is to remind myself of everything I’ve faced, worked through and overcome. I need those reminders because I am scared out of my mind to go to college. I don’t know why this scares me so much but it does. I worry about not being smart enough, not being brave enough, not being good enough to succeed at this.

At this point in my life, I have no choice anymore. I am 31 years old. I’m no spring chicken. I need to get my rear in gear and get this done. I feel a real need to have something behind my name. Perhaps this is the final “leg” in a journey of proving myself.

I will have to see what this next chapter brings. I hope it brings knowledge, new experiences and new friends. Guess it’s a wait and see situation.

Epiphanies and deadlock

OMG! I’ve started this particular post a hundred different ways because I had about a billion different thoughts simultaneously. That sucked, it was like rush hour in my brain…nothing but deadlock for fucking miles * sheesh*

Why the bajillion thoughts at once? Well mostly because I’m convinced I’m going through “youngadulttofullflegdedadultopause” which is akin to menopause but totally different. Anyway lately I have been epiphanies left, right and enter lately.
I’ll probably write about them in one way it another.

This whole growing up thing is weird. I’ve ignored, forced and rushed each other epiphany stage so I figure I should stop and really learn from one. This seems to be the one that I’ve picked….I’ll keep ya posted

Skeleton’s in Social Media’s Closet

Social media - incredible, useful, brilliant and scary all at the same time.  Twitter, Facebook, LinkdIn, Digg, Stumble Upon, various blog sites, forums and chat rooms…a million ways to connect with people all over the world.

At times I am awed by the power of social media sites.  I have been able to connect with people I went to school with, thousands of miles away.  I have been able to offer my support and advice from one Coast to another.  I have been able to witness, at least through pictures, births, weddings, deaths, life threatening diseases and I have been able to send a quick note of love, prayer and support to at the touch of a button.

Through blogging, I have been able to work through some very personal issues.  Vent and rant about things that roll around in my mind.  I have been able to share parts of me that I didn’t think I could, say the things that I didn’t think I could say and get out the things that take up WAY too much of my brain space.  Through my writing, my words and this blog, I have touched other people’s lives with my writing and even have “followers” (ps…YAY FOLLOWERS!  Thank you!!!).  Through accessing social media, I have been able to read about the struggles of other mothers trying to get through each and every day, I have been able to read a struggle with mental health, I have been both moved to tears and laughter through the skill of other writers. 

These are awesome things.  Powerful things.  The bright side of social media.

But what about the dark side?

Websites like thedirty.com; facebook stalkers, craigslist killers…the stuff that no one really talks about but we all should be thinking about.  Facebook added a function where you could “check in” to places that you are currently and immediately my back went up.  My first thought was “why do my facebook friends need to EXACTLY where I am?” and my second thought was “if they know where I am, then they can figure out where I’m not”.  I’m sure that every one of the people I have on my facebook site are good people.  I have also locked down my profile so that you would have to be a pretty proficient hacker in order to access my information but a lot of people don’t do that.  There whereabouts are out there for the WORLD to see.  Me, you and Mr. Aklihovinaoa from Africa who would like to send you your $5,000,000,000 inheritance. By telling the world where you are, you are inherently telling them where you are NOT.  Such as…at your house (welcome robbers)…or with your children (hello abductors)…or precisely where you’ll be leaving shortly (hello creep-o’s who stalk people). 

The dirty.com is a ridiculous website that I am so grateful did not exist in my youth.  That would have been serious trouble and my heart goes out to the younger generations who have to deal with excessive access to information.  Who have to deal with bad decisions and moments in your life being posted online, for anyone to see – f.o.r.e.v.e.r.  This also opens the door to a whole new avenue of bullying.  “Cyber-bullying” is a relatively new phrase but one that needs to be talked about.  Often.  With our world becoming more and more mobile, our lives, our children and ourselves are more and more accessible and vulnerable. Every little thing you do, every little place you go, every public (and sometimes not-so-public) decision you ever make has the potential to be captured, posted and commented on.  Think…”Wal-Martians”…people who make poor wardrobe choices and then go into Walmart get their picture taken and get posted to a website for the WHOLE world to look at and laugh at.  I have been one of those people who look and laugh.  To me, I am a cyber-bully.  What business of is it of mine what someone else decides to wear to a store?  Why do I even care?  Do I feel so crappy about my own self that I need to look at someone else and laugh?  Cause I think my momma taught me better than that.

The darkside of social media is that often times the human is taken out of what we’re looking at.  Those girls/ boys on thedirty, the people on Walmartians, and sites such as that are all people.  Perhaps they’re underpriviledged, perhaps they are mentally challenged, perhaps they just like what they’re wearing, whatever the reason…good on ‘em.

Letting go

I dredged up this post that I wrote about a month ago, maybe 6 weeks ago and I’m so glad I did – you can read why at the bottom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Letting go.  Easy to say, hard to do.  Especially if you’re someone like me.  I glom onto things and don’t ever want to let them go.  I like to save them and use them to torture my heart and soul another day or in my darkest moments.  I need to stop doing this but I don’t know how.

I need to let go of the ridiculous little pictures and assumptions I’ve made in my head over the years and realize that life simply isn’t that way and it won’t be that way until I make changes.

I was a mean girl.  I was a very mean girl.  I would hurt people for the sheer sake of making them hurt.  Probably because misery loves company.  I’ve been miserable for a good portion of my life.  I wanted other people to feel as badly as I did because then it would mean that someone, anyone could relate.  Was that right?  No.  Did it stop me?  No.  Will I be that girl again?  No.

I am going through the process of recognizing, acknowledging and owning my past wrongs.  Which leads me to the “will I be able to let go or will I hold onto them and torture myself a bit longer with them” question.  I can’t change the past.  I can’t take it back.  I wish I could.  I wish I could go back in time and recognize that I was a hurting girl and I wish I had reached out and asked for help OR at the very least not pushed the people who saw a hurting girl and tried to help away. 

Perhaps I wouldn’t have destroyed as many relationships as I have.  Maybe I wouldn’t have dragged as many people into my personal hell as I have.  Maybe life would have been different.  See?  This is where I drive myself nuts.  I replay and replay and replay those scenarios in my head and think of all the maybes. I will never, ever get those years back and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.  That thought alone makes me almost crazy…oh wait, you do realize that I’m a control freak, right?

*sigh*

Dilemas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Today I encountered a situation, a conversation really, where the opportunity for me to create a new “I wish I had a…” moment was evident right from the get go.  The thing about it though is I did not create a “I wish I had a…” moment.  I passed up the opportunity to be hurtful, to be harmful, to be immature.  I thought out my responses, I looked at my words through a new lens.  One that was labelled “will I regret this tomorrow”.  It was new to me.  It was fabulous.

Was I angry?  Oh baby, I can’t even begin to tell you.  Was venom dripping from my fangs?  Dripping wouldn’t be the right term, free-flowing might be more accurate.  Did I want to make the other person hurt as bad as the words she was throwing at me hurt?  Absolutely.  The good news?  I didn’t give in.  As a matter of fact, I saw those words for what they were.  Insecurity.  Regret.  Aloneness.  I recognized the hurting girl in someone else.  I saw that she was trying to pull me down into her hurt so that her misery could have company.  Unfortunately or fortunately, her misery is going to be lonely tonight.

I am proud of myself.  I am proud that I decided to take a slightly higher road than I would have chosen before (note I said higher…I still engaged in a hurtful conversation so I haven’t really achieved “the” high road yet but I’m getting there).  I am also proud that I can be proud of myself - this is something new as well.

Truth, irony and the fine line between

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been caught up in a ridiculous drama of my own doing. As a result of that particular situation I started to question myself, started to really look in the mirror, question who I am and who I want to grow to be. I had the opportunity to take a good hard, realistic look at myself, my morals, my values and my faults. I had the good fortune and insight to be able to recognize the cyclical nature of my decisions and recognize the self-destructive behaviors that I demonstrate time and time again. And I own that.

I was made privy to some information last night that has made me aware of some of the other layers at work here. I have been beating myself up for being a ‘bad’ person, making bad decisions and not valuing the relationships in my life. Basically, I was wallowing in “I’m a self-serving asshole” guilt BUT after I became aware of this new information, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Despite making wrong decisions and owning a questionable moral compass, I am the only one being truly honest about the entire situation. I have fessed up to my indiscretions, I have shared my secrets, I own and accept responsibility for my actions. The other players involved can’t say the same thing.

This whole thing started because of a lonely boy and a girl who craves attention (whole other boat of issues). The two of us together started an illicit affair which was a terrible idea from the get-go; however, we both ignored the “bads”, we broke all the rules and went forward anyway. One of lonely boy’s major complaints was that his other half wouldn’t talk to him, open up to him or let him in…yet she had no problem talking and opening up to my brother-in-law? Hmmmm…no manipulation or attempt at running a situation there. Lonely boy says that they are trying to work things out, rebuild a life BUT he hasn’t been honest with her. I guess he owns that.

This is where the truth and irony become almost too much to bare, for me anyway. I made a vow to myself that I would lead an honest life and keep no secrets. I intend on staying true to myself. Secrets have a way of chewing up the light in your soul. I may be painted as “the bad guy” but in my heart I know I’m the one being truthful.

I am grateful for that bit o’ silver on this cloud because I’ve been staring at nothing but black for weeks.

Resolutions and Evil Trolls

I have always been a fabulous resolution maker and a terrible resolution sticker-to’er.  This hasn’t changed and it never will so I gave up trying to perfect New Year’s resolutions.  Why?  Mostly because it’s an exercise in setting yourself up for failure and  I really, really hate failing. 

Now you know how I feel about resolutions so imagine my chuckles when I came across a site that’s called “2012 New Year’s Resolution Generator”…hell yeah!  I’m all over that…it’s the epitome of what is wrong with New Year’s resolutions.  Some random online generator that has no knowledge of where you are in your life, what needs to be changed or what your personal goals are.  So, laughing to myself, I clicked the link and waited on (barely) baited breath to see what my first resolution for 2012 would be…

Ready for it?

…

Be spiritual

W.T.F. – how can some random generator know I actually need to rediscover and embrace spirituality in my life.  And how can it be that, that particular item pops up first?  *sigh*  So I wipe that off as coincidence.  Fine.  I’ll play along.  Again…click on the link, chuckling to myself thinking that the inter-ether isn’t going to get the best of me!

Second times a charm, right?

Wrong.

…

Meditate

W.T.F. – again, is this machine tracking my thoughts or something?  Meditation is a definite must for me.  I need to get in touch with who I am, what I am and who I intend on being.  Meditation is an excellent outlet for this particular goal.

Ok…now I’m relying on the three strikes rule…click again, teeth gritted and waiting for some snarky “play less on the internet” resolution…

…

Not dwell on the past

*raises middle finger to computer monitor*

I’m pretty sure there are evil trolls in the computer that have mind-reading capabilities. 

Despite those irritating little trolls, these three resolutions are so incredibly true for me.  I am at a cross-road in my life and I’m struggling with the path that lies ahead of me mostly because I haven’t really dealt with the path that lies behind me.  Imagine trying to lug tonnes of baggage through mucky sand…yeah, that’s where I’m at.  So I’ve decided that I need to leave the baggage at this cross-road.  It means that my stop here is going to be a little longer than I had intended but in the end it’s time worth spending. 

Through attempting to offload some of this baggage, I’ve been dealing with some pretty ugly, brutal memories.  It’s stuff like this that brings up some very hard questions, very hard emotions and at times, a terrible aloneness.  BUT…it also provides me an opportunity for some closure.  An opportunity to move past the ugliness and move into a better space.  And each time I take that opportunity, I lighten my load just a little bit more.  And THAT is a very good thing.

And for any of you that are wondering if those pesky little trolls ever found a sense of humour, here are the 10 resolutions that ridiculous program came up for me (yes, I went all the way to 10)

1) Be spiritual

2) Meditate

3) Not dwell on the past

4) Participate

5) Find the time

6) Try harder

7) Be curious (ok, maybe this one is their idea of a joke…curiousity is simply a part of my nature and more often than not gets me into a LOAD of trouble)

8) Be me

9) Listen

10) Appreciate the simple things

11) Be fearless

…ok, I know that’s 11 but I just needed to see if I was going to get a funny one.  For what it’s worth, my co-worker got 1) solve the rubik’s cube 2) learn to say hello in 5 languages and 3) Re-read a book from high school…apparently the trolls like her much better.

For those of you who’d like to giv’er a shot, here’s the website: http://www.moninavelarde.com/newyears/

For those pesky trolls…next year, I’ll make sure you’ve got nuthin’…oh wait, crap…was that a resolution?

Music Muse

Music…the rythm of life.  For me, music is so much more.  It is how I express how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking…I identify with songs.  I’ve always wished I could write music, to be able to get what’s inside out through that avenue would be fantastic.  However, I am not a song writer.  So I identify with other people’s songs.

I discovered Jakalope through a friend.  At first it was only one song but now?  I am loving this music!!  I love the whole album and I listen to it often.  The lyrics are so relatable to me right now.  The dark, haunting, edgyness of their sound just sooths an aching soul.  Anyway, two songs I’m particularly infatuated with at the moment are Tell Me Why and Don’t Cry. 

I can understand why Don’t Cry speaks to me…it’s pretty obvious but I wasn’t so sure about Tell Me Why so I decided to look up the lyrics.  It hit me like a tonne of bricks…it is such a good song to sum up how I’ve been feeling, what inspired the need for a personal journey, it just sums up how I feel. 

I would encourage anyone to look this band (JAKALOPE) up, they are pretty great.

Lyrics to Tell Me Why:

Tracin’ the steps that I take

Feelin’ mistakes that are fake

Makin’ excuses like imaginary friends run away

To where I’ve already been

To where I already am

So tell me tell me it’ll work out so I’ll be ’round again

I look inside I’m surprised at what I see in my eyes

So tell me tell me was I there when I was taught how to lie?

I thought I’d chase paradise but Ill just set off a lie

So tell me tell me did I die when I was taught how to lie?

Don’t tell me what it’ll be because it’s all in degrees

And by degrees what I mean is you don’t see what I see

So is this falling apart or are these pieces of me?

Is this a nightmare to be or am I building a dream?
When did this come to be?

When did things pick up speed?

Tiein’ down my living needs

Tiein’ down my living needs

Oh ohh

Don’t know why (don’t know why)

Don’t know why (don’t know why) Don’t know why

I am here

All that I’ve forgotten is only stoppin to remind me

Only I (Only I)

Know that I (Know that I)

Only I can be my only

Odd sacrifice I suffered twice and all that I did Was believe…
Its funny how life can be the circles dance around me

Drawing a reminder of what I’ve done and who I’ve become

Sleepin’ my days without dreams, Wakin’ a night without sleep

Missing the truth to lie the promises I heard I would keep

I’m lost in my paradise; the walls have built in my life

So tell me tell me will I die if I forget how to lie?
When did this come to be?

When did things pick up speed?

Tiein’ down my living needs

Tiein’ down my living needs

Oh ohh

Don’t know why (Don’t know why)

Don’t know why (Don’t know why)

Don’t know why I am here

All that I’ve forgotten is only stopping to remind me

Only I (Only I)

Know that I (Know that I)

Only I can be my only

Odd sacrifice

I suffered twice and all that I did

Was believe...