The Screen

The screen before me taunts me.  The glaring white space and the little blinking line are simply reminders that I have lost touch with how and where to begin.  The words once flowed out of me like a silken string being spun from nothing but now they get bogged down.  Too many words, too many thoughts all trying to race for first place.  To make that white space disappear and be filled with prose and moments of wisdom.

The screen before me taunts me.  The screen before me is a place where I can settle the internal storm that rages within. It is a place where I can relieve some of the pressure building within my soul.  It is a place where I can open the flood gates and navigate my way through the torrents of torment that I carry in my heart.

The screen before me taunts me.  It offers sweet release that stays just at my finger tips.  It offers promises of a calmer day, a calmer moment, a quieter peace.

The screen taunts me because it knows I’m lost.

Advertisements

Fragile

**This is an older post I was drafting and forgot to publish.  I do love the words and still relate to them

I am a girl.  I don’t fancy myself a princess-y type.  I’m not a needy girl, I can entertain myself, I make my own money, I take care of the shit I gotta take care of.  I like make up and fancy clothes but not every day.  I don’t need, or want, diamonds or rings or expensive things.  I have a hard time relating to some women…the ones who seek out drama, brow beat their men into submission, or need someone to entertain them, fawn over them, etc. I can figure my own shit out.  Thanks tho.

BUT

There are times when I wish I could be a fragile girl.  Just once, I wish I could be a soft woman who could curl into the comfort of her protector and blindly trust.  I wish I had just one protector I could count on; one I could unconditionally trust.  A protector that could ease my burden of hurt for even just a moment so I can feel the relief of that missing weight.  Trust that that soul would protect me, defend me, keep me safe, and take just one blow so I don’t have to.  Just even one time.

BUT

That isn’t the way my world works.  I am a protector.  I protect the people I love.  I take the blows so they don’t have to.  I put my walls up, guard my heart and plow forward.  I’ll take those that need it into my arms and I will love and protect them fully. I will ask for nothing in exchange.  I will continue to be the safety net I so desperately wish for.

Being Broken

When I first started this blog, I thought that Random Babble of a Broken Girl would be incredibly fitting. It never occurred to me to question my meaning of “broken”.  I mean here I was identifying as a broken girl but what did that even mean?  What was broken?

I took some time to look through my old posts and how I saw myself hit me square in the face. Although I still view myself as a broken girl, I see myself as broken in a very different way.  When I started this slow, inconsistent journey of publicly writing, I thought of myself as a “bad” person.  I thought my morale compass was broken, that my spirit was dark, and my intentions never pure.  Perhaps that was partially true; and much like a toy when the spring breaks, I was broken.  I needed to be “fixed” so to speak.

In reading my old posts, those feelings still swell in me but the impact is much different.  At one time, those overwhelming emotions would wear me down, help me justify bad decisions, help me excuse my choices – regardless of the consequences.  But over time, and without even realizing it, I’ve come to think of myself as a different type of broken. I’m no longer full of self-loathing, I no longer see my morale compass as being “broken”…skewed for sure but not broken.  I’m not broken because many of the aspects of who I am are pure, good and true.  I have learned that my differences are mine and it’s ok.  It’s ok to not always follow a straight line.  It’s ok to be me.

I have come to realize that, no matter how hard I try to not be, I am prone to guilt, I am prone to worrying about judgment, I am prone to shame, I worry about what certain people think and are going to say and ultimately I am terrified of being rejected. Basically, my self-confidence and esteem are broken.  *I* am no longer broken but rather little pieces of me are.  And maybe they’re not even so much broken as they are underdeveloped.  Maybe I’m not broken at all.  Maybe I never was.

I am struggling. I am struggling with who I am and how to define myself.  I am struggling with allowing myself to truly be me and feeling at peace with that versus worrying about what others think of me.  I struggle with opinions because I don’t have the confidence to say “fuck ‘em”.  It’s quite a dichotomy for me because as a general rule, I do as I want, when I want and how I want.  I care very little about the way some people think of me but then others I have a burning need and desire to prove wrong.  But why?  WHO CARES?

Clearly I do.

I thought that my growth was substantial in the early beginnings of this crazy journey but they weren’t.  I’ve got a helluva way to go but I’ll keep taking baby steps and those baby steps will get me to the woman I know I am. I am the woman that has wings fueled by fiery spirit, the woman that has a heart so tender it could be sliced with a feather, the woman that can harness the power of ten Sirens in one look and the woman who carries a wisdom many centuries older than her earthly age.  I will get there.  I hope you all stick with me, the journey is far from over yet.

~ From the not broken but not whole me.

12 Weeks to Wellness

As you may have gathered, my overall wellness has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.  That’s mostly because I have very little wellness in my life these days and I really want to change that.  So, I’m changing it.  *nudge nudge* – see?  change?  it’s a theme in my life.

I am very fortunate in that my workplace offers several different wellness programs that are available free of charge to employees.  I simply couldn’t squander an opportunity like that.  So, I signed up for three programs.  The first one is a program called “12 Weeks to Wellness”, the second is one-on-one work with a dietician, the third on is called “Mindful Meditation”.  So far, the Mindful Meditation one is a bust because the counsellor is a flake BUT the other two are awesome.  So 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

This is the first time I’ve really tried any programs like these so I wanted to document my progress and I figured here would be just as good a place as any.  My program will run from Feb 22 – May 16.  It’s fantastic timing because for me, Spring is a time of renewal, rejuvenation and life.

So let’s take stock of where I am today.  I got my blood panel done today, waiting on results for that.  I struggle to find the energy to just manage day-to-day life, my weight and diet need a complete overall.  I feel completely overwhelmed and at odds with myself.  I know that my emotional health, physical health, mental health and spiritual health all need to be worked on and I’m finally, finally taking the steps to do so.

This week’s chapter is called “Creating a Healthy Lifestyle for Weight Loss and Wellness”.  I like to add a bit to that and say “Creating a Healthy Lifestyle and Environment for Weight Loss and Wellness”.  I added the “Environment” because it’s something we tend to overlook.  Our surroundings, the things we hold on to, our habits; all of those things contribute to our day-to-day health.  So, I have taken these steps to make a healthier environment for myself:

  1. I wrote a reminder to myself on my bathroom mirror to remind myself of why I’m embarking on this journey, what I’m committing to and why it’s important.
  2. I deleted a ton of old facebook messages, blog posts, emails, letters, etc that were written to people that are no longer in my life.  I will likely re-write these as part of this wellness plan but I want them to come from a different place in my heart.
  3. I have shared my plan and journey with friends and family around me and that I know will support me.
  4. I have quit smoking (again).  Today is Day 10 with no cigarettes.
  5. I have reached out for help (outlined above).

I have started down the road to healthier living in the past but have never really stuck to it.  I think that’s because I wasn’t truly doing it for me.  I wasn’t ready.  I am ready now.  I am ready to take control of my life, let go of what’s burdening me, and give myself permission to live the best life for me.  I’ll try to blog each week about how it’s going, where I’m at and what I’m facing/ achieving and struggling with.

So…without further ado…let’s do this!

Wellness wooden sign on a beautiful day

Cycle of Choices

Today I was posed with a question where, for the first time, instead of simply answering right away, I sorta thought to myself, do I even owe this person an answer?  I mean he was questioning a decision I made about one of my personal social media accounts….do I really have to explain to someone why I decided to unfriend them?  Many moons ago, when he decided to “unfriend” me but in real life, I didn’t have the opportunity to question him on why.  And I don’t think he would have responded very nicely either.

Funny how one little question or statement or moment in time really gets ya thinking. After that question was asked, and as I was trying to decide whether to answer or not, I started to think when do I need to explain myself to someone and when do I not.  I’ve always been quick to explain myself, smooth over any hurt feelings and justify my actions but at what point does one simply stop with the justifications.  I unfriended you because seeing your posts isn’t the best thing for me right now.  Simple.

My response was long than the line above but that was the jist.  Seeing your social interactions isn’t good for me right now.  The response?  I don’t understand it but I respect it.  I like that response.  Of course he can’t understand it, he’s not me.  Of course he can’t understand why an old wound is still causing me pain because he’s not living it.  And I respect that.

It felt good to even give myself the option of simply not responding.  It felt good to look at a situation and ponder the idea of not offering up an explanation for my choice.  I am not a politician, I am not accountable to the public and my choices are mine.  I don’t have to defend them if I don’t want to.  Yeah, that felt good.

She shoots…will she score?

Dropping all of your vices is scary.  Scary but empowering.  Motivating but challenging.  I have a few vices.  I drink too much, not like everyday but usually at every gathering and on Fridays.  We do beer Fridays in my world.  I smoke.  I didn’t for a really long time but I do again.  I eat.  Oh baby do I eat.  I eat good food because I love good food because I can cook good food so I do.  Sedentary.  I am that.  It’s like the food thing.  I am good at sedentary.

All kidding aside, these things are really not helping to lengthen my life.  While a lot of fun, these vices are costly, take a terrible toll on the body and really don’t do much in way of making you feel GREAT about yourself.  This is especially bad considering I am one of those people who love to feel great about myself peoples.  Particularly my strength and physical fitness.  I was strong.  Strong and proud of it.  Now, not so much.  I wasn’t afraid of hiking or jogging because I knew that I could breath and enjoy myself.  Now, not so much.

Clearly things have got to change.  But the thing about me is this…the second I tell myself I *can’t* have something, you can bet your ass I’m going to run out and have 15 of exactly whatever it is I’ve just told myself I can’t have.  Childish?  Yes.  It is what it is.  So, one would think then the easiest way for me to trick myself would be to tell myself I can’t have a healthy meal or can’t run up a hill and then you’d find me eating my salad WHILE running up the hill….right?  WRONG.  Nope, you know what I’d say to myself? “Well you’re clearly out of your mind. We’d better have a beer and a cigarette and contemplate this conundrum”.  Because I work like a slightly off-kilter, needs-to-be-oiled machine.

So this all being said, I’m going to try to learn something new.  lifegoalIt’s called goal setting and achieving.  I’m pretty sure 90% of the population already does this but I do not.  So I’m going to learn.  Fun, right?  Probably not.  BUT I’m pretty sure it’s not going to hurt me either.  I mean not setting goals and not having a plan HAS been hurting me so….

I am a great starter of things…and not a great finisher so that’s my first goal.  To get a plan together and stick to it for 30 days.  I’ll keep you posted….

 

Rethinking Resolutions

Hi Everyone – miss me?  Yeah, I missed me too.

Historically, New Year’s would roll around and I would think “oh yeah, blogging.  Writing.  It’s a form of therapy for me.  Better get on that.” and then I’d come on here, write some post about my resolutions for the next year and then a few posts later, life would happen again and I would abandon the whole thing all over.

This year is a bit different.  This year, I didn’t really make a “resolution” per se.  Actually, I have been mulling the whole idea of “resolutions” over in my head.  I kinda think they’re dumb.  Unless you’re super goal oriented, super focussed and dedicated to the changes you want to make, you’re basically setting yourself up for failure.  And who wants to start their year off by setting a hollow goal?  Uh, not this chick.  Not anymore anyway.

Resolutions, to me, signify that you’ve realized *a* change has to be made.  Who knows what that change really is.  Maybe it’s eating healthier, getting more exercise, watering your house plants, putting clean socks on.  Whatever it is, the base of it all is that a change has to be made.

The thing I’ve come to realize about change, and I’m talking real, substantial, lasting change, is that it really doesn’t happen overnight, or at New Years, or in two weeks.  Real change, substantial, long-lasting change happens over time and in very small increments.  It all starts with a decision, a realization, a “light-bulb” moment if you will but then the real work, the real change comes with small decisions you make over the next period of time.  It’s like retraining yourself to think, perceive, act, feel differently than you have in the past.  It’s almost like training a dog – training a dog doesn’t happen in two days, two moments or even two months.  The decision to GET a dog takes seconds but then it’s years of hard work, patience, failure, and persistence.  Changing yourself is sorta the same thing.

Sure I need to lose a few many pounds, sure I need more exercise, sure I need to achieve some of the goals I’ve shuffled to the wayside but really the only thing I’m resolving to do is be patient with myself.  Acknowledge my changes, accept them, keep working on them because I really like who I’m becoming.  I like the direction my life is headed.  The other things will fall into place once I get myself to a more comfy place.  And that’s happening.  Slowly but surely.

Beating Bullies and Safety Nets of Love

Well hello peeps…thanks for putting up with my last, somewhat vulgar, post.  Not my typical blog post but much needed.

I have been harbouring an awful lot of anger in my heart and it really, really needed to come out.  Nothing made me realize that more than this past weekend.  Luckily, I was able to and was supported in doing so.  It was fantastic.

I am one of those “fine” people…you know the ones right?  The conversations typically go something like this:

“How are you?” ~ “Fine.”

“How’s life?” ~ “Fine.”

“Are you ok?” ~ “Yep, I’m fine.”

“Do you need help?” ~ “Nope, I’m fine.”

Except this past weekend I decided had to do something differently (we all know the definition of insanity right?) and I answered those questions with “no”. It scared the daylights out of me to do that because I was worried that not being fine somehow made me less.  Somehow people wouldn’t care.  Somehow I wouldn’t be superwoman.  Man, I was so wrong.  I was immediately surrounded in love, support, understanding, friendship, guidance and acceptance.  Not being ok was totally ok.

It was one of the most liberating and freeing feelings I’ve had in a very long time. For once, it was ok to not know what to do or how to do whatever it was that needed to be done.

The person who was making a point of hurting me this past weekend has been hurting me for a very long time and I’ve had enough of it. It’s not that I can’t take it anymore – I don’t want to. I don’t want to and I don’t have to. The toxicity that comes from that individual is black and thick and infectious.  So, I simply put my heart in other people’s hands and asked them to hold it safely while it was hurting so badly.  And they did.

The outpouring of support, understanding and love was, and still is, incredible. It was a moment in my life that I know I will look back on often and draw strength from it. I know that taking that small risk made a very large, impactful difference in my life because I know it’s ok to not always be ok. I know that there is a safety net there to catch me when I fall and I know it’s made of the strongest substance on earth.  Love.

circle-of-love

Rant Rock: Villains aren’t always bad

Have you ever been made out to be the villain? I have. A lot. And I’m fucking sick of it.

I am so sick of the few people who have been in my life telling me what a shit person I am, how I have no moral compass, pointing out over, and over, and over again all the mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime.

Guess what?  I’ve made mistakes…TA DA!  I am a human being.

Guess what else?  YOU have all made mistakes. YOU all have emotional damage that you need to deal with.  YOU keep fucking shit up just as much as I do.  Guess what else? YOU are also human.

For years (Fucking Y.E.A.R.S. ), I have been a jumble of nerves and anxiety worrying about what hammer was going to fall next. I have walked on eggshells for over a decade and it resulted in me questioning myself. I allowed all of those hits and jabs and pokes to land directly on my esteem and self-confidence. You know the old saying “if everyone around you seems to be the problem, perhaps YOU are the problem”…yeah, that stuck in my head so when a select few and I had problems over and over again, I really started to believe maybe I was the major malfunction but you know what? FUCK THAT.  I have come to realize that while I am certainly part of the problem, I am most definitely not ALL of it.  My wacko magnet was on overdrive when it came to those folks.

The really shitty part of all of this is, the ones who were constantly throwing mud in my face and daggers in my heart were the people I always thought cared about me most.  How fucked up is that?  They were supposed to be part of my “family”.  I held them in such high regard and for what? To be disrespected? To be misrepresented? To be dragged through hell and back and then back to hell and then back again?

It has always felt as though the standard to which I am measured is so much higher than everyone else’s.  For instance, if I make a mistake, have a differing opinion, or even just make decisions a little differently than they would, not only is it analyzed, criticized and judged but it’s stored away in the “let’s save this for later” vault to be thrown back in my face at every turn in the road BUT if I took the same approach with them, I would be characterized as a bitch, emotionally unstable, explosive, unreasonable, etc, etc, etc.

Who does that?

For a long time I kept my anger repressed. I felt that in order for me to journey down the path of self-growth and self-awareness, I wasn’t allowed to be angry but then I realized that if I don’t get my anger out, I will never get past it. It will just sit and fester like a bubbling mass of ick. That ick will turn to sludge and it will make my path to peace a very hard one to tread. Impossible really. So I’m allowing myself to be angry. I deserve to be angry.

Allowing my anger out and allowing myself to acknowledge the good AND bad parts of me is the first step in taking the power of me away from those who don’t deserve it and putting it back in the hands of its rightful owner. Me.

If someone doesn’t like me or want me in their lives, that’s really their issue. I’m not a big bad monster who goes around hurting people and making their lives difficult. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the helpers in the world. I go out of my way to try and make those around me happy. I try my damnedest to give people what they need, be that a hug, a kind word, a beer, a pair of socks…whatever. And if the very fact that I’m a human being isn’t good enough for some people well then it’s time to say they are not welcome as a part of my life.

I will no longer walk on eggshells. I will no longer be afraid to be me.

eggshells

 

Babble Brain: Journey to the Centre of the Universe…and my Heart

Over the last year or two, I have been intentionally trying to be a better, more understanding, more level-headed, more honest, more compassionate and overall better person. I haven’t always been great at doing that but I have certainly been doing better.

I made the decision to live my life differently because I felt gross about myself. In my heart of hearts I didn’t feel like I was being fair to my own self and that’s because I wasn’t. I was lying, cheating, laughing at consequences and it made me feel sick. It validated every bad thing people had called me over the years and I hated that. I hated feeling like my name and my character was no better than dirt. So I decided to start paying attention to the Universe around me and the heart in me. Trying to align the two. To my surprise, the lessons that I had balked at learning over the years were still lingering about, waiting to be learned. I chose to start learning them. I am so grateful to have made the right choice.

heart

There have been a few moments over the last little while where I was faced with the very change I’m talking about. I could choose the way I reacted/ responded to a situation and in those moments, I chose to react and behave very differently than I would have in the past. I am proud of those moments. Change takes an effort. Change takes patience. Change isn’t instant. Change is rewarding. Change makes it easier to sleep at night. The right changes bring you peace.

Change is a challenge because with change brings even MORE change. It’s never-ending. When you decide to make one small change in yourself, your heart, your life it ends up bringing about a few more small changes and then some more changes after that and then some more even after that until you end up almost not even

I had real fears about losing myself. Losing my edge, losing my funk, losing the very essence of me but what I’ve come to realize is that I haven’t actually been myself for a very, very long time. The good news?  I am slowly getting myself, my true self, back and it feels soooooo good! I am able to own my feelings, I am able to own my faults and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe. I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything. I am finally freeing myself of binds I tied a long time ago.

Through the first stages of my journey, I will admit I’ve lost a few people I considered loved ones along the way. At first that made me really angry, and truth be told, that anger is still there. It’s just not as intense as it was. I have had the opportunity to pause and examine those lost relationships and really identify if they are healthy and positive relationships or if they are unhealthy, one-sided relationships. And just as you would suspect they were unhealthy, one-sided relationships. As hard as it is to let people go, I’m learning that letting go is ok because a balance will be found. Just as I lost some relationships, I also rekindled and gained some. Luckily, having opened myself to the lessons of the Universe, I can approach these friendships and sisterhoods with my heart boundaries in place. And that is more freeing than I could imagine.

This first leg of my journey has taken quite some time to get rolling but it’s in full swing and I’m loving it. I can feel my soul starting to ache for the next step. Maybe its building lost esteem, maybe its learning to love myself again, I have no idea. I do know that I am excited to see what it brings.

emerge