~~~~~This post was originally written in early October, at the height of the last anxiety tailspin. Thankfully I now have someone to counsel me through and I’m out of that little hell. For now.~~~~~
I feel as though I’ve neglected my blog over the past little while. In my usual style, I am trying to get about a billion things under wraps all at the same time and I am stressing myself out.
We just bought a house and moved. I used to have moving down to a science. I knew exactly how to pack each room, what size boxes we’d need, how many of said boxes we’d need and then about 3 days after moving into our new house I’d be unpacked, settled and ready to take on the next challenge. This move is not that. I have been so disorganized, unprepared and chaotic, I’m still feeling a little amazed that not only did all of our stuff make it to our house, we didn’t lose or break anything. That folks, is what we call a little miracle. This move has taken so much out of me, I can’t even begin to describe it. I don’t know why but it has. I would just like to wave my magic wand and have things put away, for our space to be organized again.
I feel like I could sit here and gap out all day long. I feel as though I have lost all ability to concentrate, care or even be enthused by anything. All I want to do is sleep. But when I sleep I’m not rested. I really am starting to run on empty. I have no energy to do anything. I feel ill all the time. I am terrified that at any moment my heart is going to stop and I’m going to die of a heart attack. Why am I so freaked out about all this? I have no idea. I am tired of having panic attacks and anxiety attacks each and every day. I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of worrying about every little ache and pain and twitch and fidget and breath. I no longer trust my body and it’s reactions. I no longer know what my “normal” is. This is killing me, little by little and I don’t know how to make it stop. My breath is not even, my lungs hurt, my stomach is in perpetual knots. It is awful.
It is like there is a war going on inside my body and I don’t know how to fight it. I don’t know how to make all or any of this go away. I want to feel energetic again. I’m 31 years old for pity’s sake. I’m young. I should feel young. I should not feel like I’m 60 years old. I should not be bone-weary tired. I should be able to work, cook dinner, go to the park, get my housework done, etc, etc, etc and not feel like every step another pound of lead is strapped to my ankles. I should not feel like that…yet. But I do. I feel as though someone has tapped directly into my energy line and is draining the life out of me. At the same time, I feel that the very same someone has strapped about a bazillion little weights to my body and is trying to weigh me down.
Disorganization, lack of concentration, complete and utter fatigue…this is my daily struggle. Add to this equal portions of anxiety, adrenaline, heaviness of the chest, phantom pains, aches in my joints and bones…and what you’ve got is what I feel every. single. day.