I was asked, not long ago, who the most evil person I know is. At first, I didn’t know how to answer or who to name, mostly because the only person that came to my mind was me. Eventually, I gave that answer and I stand by it now.
Webster defines evil as:
a : morally reprehensible : sinful, wicked
b : arising from actual or imputed bad character or conduct
So based on those definitions, I am the most evil person I know. Do I go around abusing small children and killing animals? No. Do I go around tearing the hearts out of my friends? Apparently.
For so long I believe I had changed. I believed I lived a cleaner, more pure life. For so long I’ve kept my head in the sand. For so long, I’ve tricked my own self into believing that I’ve grown as a person, become wiser, learned from my mistakes. It took one moment, one look on one person’s face to realize that I had lied to myself for a long time. That’s probably the worse kind of lie too. To tell myself that I’ve grown, gotten better, upped my morals and standards is a complete crock. I am no better now than I used to be.
I regret my decisions and my actions. I regret changing the course of our futures without so much as a second thought. If I could take it all back, I would. But I can’t. I can’t take it back, like words already spoken, hanging in the air, it’s out there now. The truth of me and my character are laid bare and open for examination. I promise you this…I will examine myself, my character and the driving forces behind them. I will make this right. I will make changes to ensure I no longer hurt those I care about. Maybe you’ll be around to see it, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll feel it in your heart, maybe you won’t. I know I never want to feel again the way I do right now. I know I don’t want to spend more sleepless nights shedding tears for something I caused.
I’m not sure if you’ll ever hear me out. I’m not sure if you’re willing to go there. The ball is in your Court now. Just know that I am sorry, so very, very sorry…and with that, here is my letter to you.
I am sorry. I know that is a weak word, one that is over-used and under-meant. I am not one for wasting wishes but I wish to take this all back. I didn’t realize the place you held in my heart and I didn’t realize how much I cared for you until the moment where I could see the pain and betrayal reflected in your eyes. I could see, very clearly, how badly I hurt you. I am sorry it took events such as these to bring that to light.
My intent was never to hurt you, which sounds so vulgur and juvenile because what other outcome could there have possibly been? I am disappointed in myself and ashamed of my actions.
I hope that we can repair the damage that’s been done. I hope that we can talk, openly and honestly and move past this moment. I don’t care what I have to do…or how I have to do it…I want to gain your trust. I want to fix this but I completely understand if you don’t.
I will miss you. Light-hearted banter, playful jabs and more common interests than either of us cared to admit…I will miss you my Friend, I already do.