Recent events in my life have really given me cause to stop and consider what and who I really want to be. I have been working so hard to keep moving forward, never allowing myself to stop and take a really good, close look at myself. Being busy, going fast, flitting from one thing to the next is the best possible form of avoidance I could come up with.
It’s time to stop all of that. I feel like I’m standing at a cross roads in my life and I have to chose which path I’d like to follow. I sauntered down the (albeit semi) straight and narrow path and then promptly pole valuted my ass on over to the “what the @&*% were you thinking” path. I can tell you, I do not like the “what the @&*% were you thinking” path. So then I’ve asked myself why. Why is it that I do not like that path? Do I only not like it because it came back to burn my ass? Or did I not like it all along? Was my shyness and nerves really only hesitation and shame?
Perhaps if I had taken the time to really look at what I was feeling instead of just slamming some name to it, maybe I could have seen the truth. The moments where I wanted to say something but didn’t, they held more truth than I care to admit. The inability to follow the same path sober, should have been a clue. The fact that I had suspected suspicion all along should have been a giant glaring sign to me that I really needed to stop.
But oh no. Not this girl. Why pay attention to your squeaky little self conscience when your fun self is WAY louder and is having fun?
I realize now that I am far more comfortable on the straightER and narrowER path. Not completely straight and narrow, because I know without a doubt, that is not me but I’m not down for travelling the mucky, hard road anymore either. I want to pride myself on my morals. I want to be able to trust myself. I want to be able to depend on myself. I want to know that, even in the moments where my character will be tested, I will pass each and every test that’s thrown my way with flying colours.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t know if I will ever be able to mend the broken hearts of other people but I will be able to mend the flaws in my character. I will be able to mend the parts that are broken in my own soul. I will be successful on this journey and in the end, come out a better person.