Letting go

I dredged up this post that I wrote about a month ago, maybe 6 weeks ago and I’m so glad I did – you can read why at the bottom

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Letting go.  Easy to say, hard to do.  Especially if you’re someone like me.  I glom onto things and don’t ever want to let them go.  I like to save them and use them to torture my heart and soul another day or in my darkest moments.  I need to stop doing this but I don’t know how.

I need to let go of the ridiculous little pictures and assumptions I’ve made in my head over the years and realize that life simply isn’t that way and it won’t be that way until I make changes.

I was a mean girl.  I was a very mean girl.  I would hurt people for the sheer sake of making them hurt.  Probably because misery loves company.  I’ve been miserable for a good portion of my life.  I wanted other people to feel as badly as I did because then it would mean that someone, anyone could relate.  Was that right?  No.  Did it stop me?  No.  Will I be that girl again?  No.

I am going through the process of recognizing, acknowledging and owning my past wrongs.  Which leads me to the “will I be able to let go or will I hold onto them and torture myself a bit longer with them” question.  I can’t change the past.  I can’t take it back.  I wish I could.  I wish I could go back in time and recognize that I was a hurting girl and I wish I had reached out and asked for help OR at the very least not pushed the people who saw a hurting girl and tried to help away. 

Perhaps I wouldn’t have destroyed as many relationships as I have.  Maybe I wouldn’t have dragged as many people into my personal hell as I have.  Maybe life would have been different.  See?  This is where I drive myself nuts.  I replay and replay and replay those scenarios in my head and think of all the maybes. I will never, ever get those years back and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.  That thought alone makes me almost crazy…oh wait, you do realize that I’m a control freak, right?

*sigh*

Dilemas

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 Today I encountered a situation, a conversation really, where the opportunity for me to create a new “I wish I had a…” moment was evident right from the get go.  The thing about it though is I did not create a “I wish I had a…” moment.  I passed up the opportunity to be hurtful, to be harmful, to be immature.  I thought out my responses, I looked at my words through a new lens.  One that was labelled “will I regret this tomorrow”.  It was new to me.  It was fabulous.

Was I angry?  Oh baby, I can’t even begin to tell you.  Was venom dripping from my fangs?  Dripping wouldn’t be the right term, free-flowing might be more accurate.  Did I want to make the other person hurt as bad as the words she was throwing at me hurt?  Absolutely.  The good news?  I didn’t give in.  As a matter of fact, I saw those words for what they were.  Insecurity.  Regret.  Aloneness.  I recognized the hurting girl in someone else.  I saw that she was trying to pull me down into her hurt so that her misery could have company.  Unfortunately or fortunately, her misery is going to be lonely tonight.

I am proud of myself.  I am proud that I decided to take a slightly higher road than I would have chosen before (note I said higher…I still engaged in a hurtful conversation so I haven’t really achieved “the” high road yet but I’m getting there).  I am also proud that I can be proud of myself – this is something new as well.

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