Fixing the broken

I’m baaaaack….didja miss me?

I’ve spent the last while in an incredibly introspective space. I needed that. Because of my retreat to the brain space, I’ve had time to think about me, who I was, who I am and who I want to be. End result? I’m becoming more and more comfortable in my skin as days go by and I am taking the time to think about the things that have, do and will define me as a person.  In short, I am figuring out who I am, what I want my legacy to be and how to make that happen.

The problem with my braincation and my love of analyzing myself is it is always a prime opportunity for me to totally diss me.  I am one of the many who let that horrible, terrible voice run rampant in my head.  I love to criticize, degrade and totally berate myself and I’m good at it.  The effects are endless.  I have Major (yes, capital M) issues with confidence, worth, respect, love, kindness, passion, trust.  Despite those issues, I’ve been working on moving from a place where those issues define my being to a place where those things are part of my being.  Easy peasy, right?. Not.

For many years, I allowed sexual power, manipulation, dishonesty, chaos, drama and darkness to rule my world.  Mostly because I didn’t want to have real quiet because with the quiet creeps up time to think.  With thinking comes realizations and I didn’t want to make any of those realizations. I wasn’t ready to make any of those realizations.  I was using negativity to distract myself from the real conversations I needed to have with myself. Basically, negativity was my security blanket.

Then one day…something happened.  Something changed.  I changed.

I followed my usual motis operandi and I became a part of something I shouldn’t have.  Why? Well, simply because I could. I needed to flex my power, flex my allure and flex the inevitable destruction that would follow. I needed to see, feel and be in that state one more time.  I needed that to realize that I didn’t want that and that I am more than that. To me, this past blunder represents so much of my time and energy over the years. I wasn’t just feeling the effects of this one time, I was feeling and sort of reliving all of the “one times” I’ve had over the years. I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions. Guilt, indignation, anger, denial, acceptance, shame, cruelty, justification, enlightenment, happiness, terrified, free and at peace.  I have accepted responsibility for my part in all of the hurts I’ve caused, to my current spouse, former quasi-spouse, children, friends, family and most importantly, to myself.

I often tell tales of days gone by and of “how I used to be”.  I used to be: skinny, hot, sexy, crazy, willing to do anything (and anywhere I might add), a bitch, fun, outgoing, easy-going, up for anything and someone you wanted to party with. Once upon a time I was proud of that. Now, when I think of my “used to be’s” all I hear is…I used to be insecure, unable to be trusted, confused, lacking in morals and strong values, superficial, and unstable.  I want my future to be defined with “I am’s”. So…

I am leaving my “used to be’s” where they belong. In my past.

I am letting go.

I am no longer that girl.

I am no longer broken.

These lyrics say it all (I changed them slightly to reflect my singular self)…

Never underestimate the fight in me

Ollie ollie ollie ollie let me free

You can never hold me down…

Rising up is all the rage…

You’ll never keep me locked…locked up

I’m like a Lion in a Cage

 

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