My Promise

Dear You,

I am hurt and I am angry.  We agreed to take on life together, we promised to support, love and cherish one another.  What happened?  What went wrong?  We fight against one another now.  There is no respect, there is no trust, there is no communication, there is no love.  There are only empty words and broken promises.

I am sorry for the hurt that I have caused you over the years.  I acknowledge that I am difficult to live with, to be with and to deal with on a regular basis.  I am loud, I am hot-tempered, I am a spirited individual.  I like being right, I like things my way and I’m bossy.  I realize that I can be a know-it-all, paranoid and that I tow a line of issues so heavy that it could likely sink a war ship.  I know that trying to decipher my emotions is like trying to read an alien language while being blind, my insecurities are enormous and that my personality is inconsistent at best.  I know that I need to be wanted by men like a starving man needs food and I know that hurts you.  I know it has changed how you feel about me.   

It has taken me a very long time to learn, understand and acknowledge all of my faults.  The “bad” parts of me.  I have worked so very hard to change a lot of that.  I have tried to quietly analyze my issues, understand the root of them and learn new ways of being so that I could be the absolute best person I can be. 

I tried communicating what I need from you for quite some time now and I have finally realized you simply aren’t going to hear me.  I, the real person I am, doesn’t matter to you.  What matters is that you are able to live your life the way you want, being able to present an image to the world of success, being comfortable, being a part of something and not having to be accountable or responsible for any of it.  I resent that.  I resent that you put yourself, your friends, your electronics, anything ahead of what is best for us.  I am fundamentally tired of hearing how much you love me, how often you put me first, how often I am thought of when in reality, I am not.  In reality, I have learned how to smile over the tears, I have bared the brunt of criticisms, I have learned to be dismissed and I have let my wants, needs, hopes and dreams be in second, third, fourth, last place.  Hearing the words “I promise”, “I’m sorry”, “I’ll try” and “tomorrow” makes me sick to my stomach.  I have lost all faith that things will ever change because tomorrow never comes.

I have tried to take an active interest in your life.  I’ve tried to learn to love the things you love so that we can enjoy those things together.  I have tried to talk to you about your hopes and dreams.  I have tried to learn what your needs are, what your boundaries are, what you, the person you really are, need from me.  It is like trying to glean water from a stone and it makes me tired.  I am a stubborn person, I don’t give in easily and I certainly don’t give up…

… but I call mercy.  You win.  I give.

I have nothing left but one thing…one final promise.  I promise to keep going.

I promise to focus on me and the person I am growing into.  She is a lovely creature, a calm creature…she truly is a beautiful creature.  I am strong, I have endured so many things and I will overcome this too.  I have turned my inner critic into my loudest cheerleader and with that I have discovered an inner strength that is palpable and unbreakable.  

I will continue to smile but there will be no more tears for I am done crying over what I can’t change.  I will consider critisims but I won’t take them to heart.  I am achieving a level of personal growth that only comes with desire and determination.  I will not be dismissed.  I have valid feelings, thoughts and opinions and I will be considered.  I will not place my needs, wants, hopes or dreams on the back burner.  I only get one shot at this life and come hell or high water, I am going to make the most of it.  Finally, I promise to continue to support you.  If you ever decide to embark on a journey of personal growth, I will be one of your cheerleaders.  I will celebrate your success, help you through your dark times and I will encourage you along the way – I know how difficult these things can be on your own.

I have loved you for so long, I refuse to give that up.  The love I have for you has given me the strength, the want and the desire to be a better person.  I will be eternally grateful for that.

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