Have you ever heard the phrase “dawn of realization”? I always thought that I knew what that meant. And apparently I’ve been wrong for quite some time. I know, I know, mark your calendars. I clumped in “dawn of realization” with all those other hippy, dippy phrases people use to describe some epiphanic moment in their lives. It’s not a hippy dippy phrase though…it’s an actual thing!
So, at the beginning of January, I jumped back on the Wonder Weightloss Wagon and so far, I have had success! For the first time ever, the weight that I put on (after my
dumbass drunken manouver stellar display of gymnastics resulting in two blown out knees) is melting off. It. Feels. Awesome. Naturally, whilst one is attempting to lose weight, food becomes a MAJOR focus in your life. (Hint, we are passed the Iamcompletelyblindingmyselftinthedeadofnight point of my realization). So, naturally, all I think about is food. Bad. Idea. When one who is addicted to (glimpse of realization) food, thinking about it incessantly, is kind of like putting a chunk (rock? block? hit?) of heiron in front of a skitzed out junkie and telling them to just look at it. Riiiight. When a foodunkie (yep, still making words up yo) thinks about food, they aren’t thinking about how nourishing that bunch of kale is going to be or fantasizing about how that quinoa is going to provide you with hunger-satisfying protein for the rest of the day; they are telling the voice screaming that the double chocolate-dipped triple big mac you’re staring down is bad for them to SHUT THE @#$% UP!
A foodunkie is in love with food like a 15 year old girl is in love with their first boyfriend. It’s obsessive. It’s all-consuming. It’s unhealthy. Food is not something that we should be using to occupy our time, fulfill wants, or to fix some emotional problem we don’t feel like looking at. Except that is exactly what’s going on. Food is fuel. Pure and simple. It will only make you feel better if you’re hungry. Otherwise, that “good” feeling you’re expecting is really guilt, shame and defeat. I’ve decided (which can be interpreted as the first twinges of twilight) that I need to break up with food. And no, I’m not going to go on a hunger strike or stop eating but I am going to stop thinking about it. I am determined to think about food when I’m hungry and it’s time to eat (and apparently while I blog). Then I will be faced with a choice. Then it comes down to healthy choices. (oh, look at the pretty pink my realization is turning)…
So, in thinking of food and how I think about food, I realized that this really is the end of the line for my eating habits. It really is like a bad breakup. I thought to myself, this is a “for life” thing. This isn’t a journey where I’ll get to my goal weight and be all like BOOM! Break out the Burger King and double dip that @#$% in double chocolate. Why would I waste all of that effort? This was really my dawn of realization. Basically, it comes down to this. My health, my nourishment, my body and my self image are worth fighting for. It’s a looooong, up hill battle. There will be times when I’m tired, discouraged and pissed right the hell off and I acknowledge that BUT there will also be times when I’m super motivated, when I achieve success, when I get to buy that gorgeous shirt because it @#$%ing fits! There will be a time when I look at the lines in my shoulders and be happy and there will be a time when this conversation leaves my daily dialogue. It will become my new way of life.
So bare with me while I’m inconsisten in blogging, when I rant about not being able to eat and drink my face off AND achieve my goals and while I work through all the issues surrounding how I became a foodunkie.