Have you ever been made out to be the villain? I have. A lot. And I’m fucking sick of it.
I am so sick of the few people who have been in my life telling me what a shit person I am, how I have no moral compass, pointing out over, and over, and over again all the mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime.
Guess what? I’ve made mistakes…TA DA! I am a human being.
Guess what else? YOU have all made mistakes. YOU all have emotional damage that you need to deal with. YOU keep fucking shit up just as much as I do. Guess what else? YOU are also human.
For years (Fucking Y.E.A.R.S. ), I have been a jumble of nerves and anxiety worrying about what hammer was going to fall next. I have walked on eggshells for over a decade and it resulted in me questioning myself. I allowed all of those hits and jabs and pokes to land directly on my esteem and self-confidence. You know the old saying “if everyone around you seems to be the problem, perhaps YOU are the problem”…yeah, that stuck in my head so when a select few and I had problems over and over again, I really started to believe maybe I was the major malfunction but you know what? FUCK THAT. I have come to realize that while I am certainly part of the problem, I am most definitely not ALL of it. My wacko magnet was on overdrive when it came to those folks.
The really shitty part of all of this is, the ones who were constantly throwing mud in my face and daggers in my heart were the people I always thought cared about me most. How fucked up is that? They were supposed to be part of my “family”. I held them in such high regard and for what? To be disrespected? To be misrepresented? To be dragged through hell and back and then back to hell and then back again?
It has always felt as though the standard to which I am measured is so much higher than everyone else’s. For instance, if I make a mistake, have a differing opinion, or even just make decisions a little differently than they would, not only is it analyzed, criticized and judged but it’s stored away in the “let’s save this for later” vault to be thrown back in my face at every turn in the road BUT if I took the same approach with them, I would be characterized as a bitch, emotionally unstable, explosive, unreasonable, etc, etc, etc.
Who does that?
For a long time I kept my anger repressed. I felt that in order for me to journey down the path of self-growth and self-awareness, I wasn’t allowed to be angry but then I realized that if I don’t get my anger out, I will never get past it. It will just sit and fester like a bubbling mass of ick. That ick will turn to sludge and it will make my path to peace a very hard one to tread. Impossible really. So I’m allowing myself to be angry. I deserve to be angry.
Allowing my anger out and allowing myself to acknowledge the good AND bad parts of me is the first step in taking the power of me away from those who don’t deserve it and putting it back in the hands of its rightful owner. Me.
If someone doesn’t like me or want me in their lives, that’s really their issue. I’m not a big bad monster who goes around hurting people and making their lives difficult. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the helpers in the world. I go out of my way to try and make those around me happy. I try my damnedest to give people what they need, be that a hug, a kind word, a beer, a pair of socks…whatever. And if the very fact that I’m a human being isn’t good enough for some people well then it’s time to say they are not welcome as a part of my life.
I will no longer walk on eggshells. I will no longer be afraid to be me.