All posts by Just Me

About Just Me

I'm a 30-somethings woman trying to figure out who she is. Puzzling situations, challenges and relationships inspire me to the written word, trying to work out where I stand on an issue through the English language.

For a Moment

I read a meme once and it went along the lines of “People always acknowledge the first time for something but we so easily overlook the last time.  The last time you tuck your child into bed, the last time you drop your child off at school, the last time you gather around with all your friends present, the last time you talk to your mom/dad/brother/sister.  Be thankful, be present”.

That’s not it exactly but you get the jist of the message.  And it is so fundamentally true.

Lives change, children grow, people die, effort is lost and without even realizing it, the last time you’ve done whatever it is you used to do has passed.  That particular meme really impacted me.  Deeply.  It is so so sad but also so so true.  A lot of people spend their lives looking forward with excitement and looking back with regret but rare are those who live in the moment.

How often have you found yourself simply enjoying space with people you love. Listening to the tone of their voice, watching how their eyes wrinkle when they smile, or noticing the way they fidget with the sleeve of their coat.

How often have you gotten busy and cancelled that lunch with an old friend?  Always with the intention of rescheduling but then time slowly slips by and one day you realize it’s been years since you’ve seen your friend and they’ve become more of an acquaintance than a friend.

Being present, really present is difficult.  It takes practice.  It is a conscious choice to forget the last 10 minutes and not think about the next 10 minutes but really pay attention to this very moment.  Once a minute or moment passes, you’ll never get it back.  We only have so many minutes and to turn those into moments leads to a rich life.

I am so very grateful that I started this practice when I did. It has allowed me to appreciate so many moments I knew I would want to look back on and remember, not just what we were doing but the feelings.  The joy, the happiness, the hope.  Without making the conscious choice to acknowledge those feelings, in that moment, I would have just remembered the day but not the impact it had on my soul.

So, if you ever see me just observing, with a soft smile on my face, know I am appreciating the moment.  Observing myself and others around me and just taking it all in.

 

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Merry-Go-Round

Remember when you were a kid and parks had merry-go-rounds? Your friends would dare you to hop on while another one would starting twirling you around and around and around until the world passed you by in a blur? Yeah, I remember those too. Those blessed, dizzy-making, accidentswaitingtohappen machines have all been removed from parks now likely because some parent, somewhere, was mad that their child didn’t come with the qualities of a rubber bouncy ball and hit the ground hard instead of bouncing.

Life is a lot like those crazy ass mery-go-rounds.  You hop off of one of those trips around the circle, dizzy as all hell, your world turned upside down and you have no clue how you’re going to walk one step forward, let alone walk for the rest of the day.  Some kids ignore the blanent obstable of the world spinning in their eyes and think, I got this! I’m gonna make a run for it.  They take off, make it all of a half of a step and crash onto their faces.  Other kids stop, take a breath, close their eyes and simply wait for the world to right itself and then take their step and carry on.  Blissfully unaffected by the stomach turning ride they’d just undertaken.

Can you guess which kid I was?  Yeah, patience never has been a virtue of mine.

I am teaching myself to resist the urge to just run head-long into the dizziness. I am encouraging myself to simply close my eyes, acknowledge the moment, remind myself that whatever situation I’m in, whatever I’m feeling isn’t permanent and if I just stop, experience the dizziness and wait, the world will be right when I open my eyes.  I am also teaching myself that I get to dictate when I’m ready to open my eyes.  No one else does.  I don’t need to explain how much time I need to stand there, I don’t need to explain why I need to stand there and I don’t need to adhere to anyone else’s timeline but my own.  I am allowing myself to experience my feelings, acknowledge them and take the time I need to take to get through it.

I am attempting to put this method of thinking into practice in many areas of my life.  Patience with myself.  Allowing myself to be perfectly imperfect.  Not searching for validation of what I’m feeling or the choices I make from other people.  Simply not searching for validation from anyone but myself.  I am practicing speaking good things about myself without having to caveat that with an explanation.  I am acknowledging my areas of weakness and attempting to accept them.  But more importantly, I am practicing being ok with all of this.

I am a good hearted person. Full stop.

I am an intelligent woman.  Full stop.

I have a quick wit.  Full stop.

I am unmotivated.  Full stop.

I am headstrong.  Full stop.

I am me.  Full stop.

 

Imagination Station

Every now and again, the itch to get the words circling in my head onto paper becomes a little too intense and I have no choice but to let those words flow out.  Often the word depict how I’m feeling, issues I’m struggling to work out, or something that is really really chapping my ass; however, there are times when it’s a bit different.  From time to time, I will use words to describe the images that randomly pop into my head.  I recently was scrolling through my journal app and decided maybe it’s time to share the more creative side of my writing.  So here goes nothing…a couple of short, very short, little somethings I wrote a while back:

The Warrior

A storm is brewing.  Tiny breezes gathering strength, organizing their currents and transforming into the great winds of change. They are brewing for battle.

She sites and watches the wind pick up.  Her mouth flicks up into a subtle smirk as she knows these winds well.  They will soon be calling for her.  Calling her to battle.

She looks at her reflection, dark wings relaxed, contented look upon her face, battle scars faded.  Dusty armor still strong and ready to protect the being contained within it.  Her weapons sharp and at the ready.

She stands, flexes and cocks a listening ear to the wind.  It is picking up speed.  Fierce and chaotic, her time is coming and her smirk slowly shifts to an all knowing smile.

She shall be called soon.  She stretches her wings, stands to her full height and starts the preparations for the challenges ahead.

Beyond the Veil

I feel her swirling beyond the veil
Waiting
Watching
Knowing her time shall come again

A knowing smirk has settled upon her face
One she wears with unsettling grace
She tickles my soul with her black tipped wings
Itching to wrap them around me, engulfing my in her presence

She quietly says my name
She whispers reminders of who she is
What she is
And of what can and will be again

I feel her swirling beyond the veil
She is my darkness
And she is coming to take what is hers

The Screen

The screen before me taunts me.  The glaring white space and the little blinking line are simply reminders that I have lost touch with how and where to begin.  The words once flowed out of me like a silken string being spun from nothing but now they get bogged down.  Too many words, too many thoughts all trying to race for first place.  To make that white space disappear and be filled with prose and moments of wisdom.

The screen before me taunts me.  The screen before me is a place where I can settle the internal storm that rages within. It is a place where I can relieve some of the pressure building within my soul.  It is a place where I can open the flood gates and navigate my way through the torrents of torment that I carry in my heart.

The screen before me taunts me.  It offers sweet release that stays just at my finger tips.  It offers promises of a calmer day, a calmer moment, a quieter peace.

The screen taunts me because it knows I’m lost.

Fragile

**This is an older post I was drafting and forgot to publish.  I do love the words and still relate to them

I am a girl.  I don’t fancy myself a princess-y type.  I’m not a needy girl, I can entertain myself, I make my own money, I take care of the shit I gotta take care of.  I like make up and fancy clothes but not every day.  I don’t need, or want, diamonds or rings or expensive things.  I have a hard time relating to some women…the ones who seek out drama, brow beat their men into submission, or need someone to entertain them, fawn over them, etc. I can figure my own shit out.  Thanks tho.

BUT

There are times when I wish I could be a fragile girl.  Just once, I wish I could be a soft woman who could curl into the comfort of her protector and blindly trust.  I wish I had just one protector I could count on; one I could unconditionally trust.  A protector that could ease my burden of hurt for even just a moment so I can feel the relief of that missing weight.  Trust that that soul would protect me, defend me, keep me safe, and take just one blow so I don’t have to.  Just even one time.

BUT

That isn’t the way my world works.  I am a protector.  I protect the people I love.  I take the blows so they don’t have to.  I put my walls up, guard my heart and plow forward.  I’ll take those that need it into my arms and I will love and protect them fully. I will ask for nothing in exchange.  I will continue to be the safety net I so desperately wish for.

Being Broken

When I first started this blog, I thought that Random Babble of a Broken Girl would be incredibly fitting. It never occurred to me to question my meaning of “broken”.  I mean here I was identifying as a broken girl but what did that even mean?  What was broken?

I took some time to look through my old posts and how I saw myself hit me square in the face. Although I still view myself as a broken girl, I see myself as broken in a very different way.  When I started this slow, inconsistent journey of publicly writing, I thought of myself as a “bad” person.  I thought my morale compass was broken, that my spirit was dark, and my intentions never pure.  Perhaps that was partially true; and much like a toy when the spring breaks, I was broken.  I needed to be “fixed” so to speak.

In reading my old posts, those feelings still swell in me but the impact is much different.  At one time, those overwhelming emotions would wear me down, help me justify bad decisions, help me excuse my choices – regardless of the consequences.  But over time, and without even realizing it, I’ve come to think of myself as a different type of broken. I’m no longer full of self-loathing, I no longer see my morale compass as being “broken”…skewed for sure but not broken.  I’m not broken because many of the aspects of who I am are pure, good and true.  I have learned that my differences are mine and it’s ok.  It’s ok to not always follow a straight line.  It’s ok to be me.

I have come to realize that, no matter how hard I try to not be, I am prone to guilt, I am prone to worrying about judgment, I am prone to shame, I worry about what certain people think and are going to say and ultimately I am terrified of being rejected. Basically, my self-confidence and esteem are broken.  *I* am no longer broken but rather little pieces of me are.  And maybe they’re not even so much broken as they are underdeveloped.  Maybe I’m not broken at all.  Maybe I never was.

I am struggling. I am struggling with who I am and how to define myself.  I am struggling with allowing myself to truly be me and feeling at peace with that versus worrying about what others think of me.  I struggle with opinions because I don’t have the confidence to say “fuck ‘em”.  It’s quite a dichotomy for me because as a general rule, I do as I want, when I want and how I want.  I care very little about the way some people think of me but then others I have a burning need and desire to prove wrong.  But why?  WHO CARES?

Clearly I do.

I thought that my growth was substantial in the early beginnings of this crazy journey but they weren’t.  I’ve got a helluva way to go but I’ll keep taking baby steps and those baby steps will get me to the woman I know I am. I am the woman that has wings fueled by fiery spirit, the woman that has a heart so tender it could be sliced with a feather, the woman that can harness the power of ten Sirens in one look and the woman who carries a wisdom many centuries older than her earthly age.  I will get there.  I hope you all stick with me, the journey is far from over yet.

~ From the not broken but not whole me.

12 Weeks to Wellness

As you may have gathered, my overall wellness has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.  That’s mostly because I have very little wellness in my life these days and I really want to change that.  So, I’m changing it.  *nudge nudge* – see?  change?  it’s a theme in my life.

I am very fortunate in that my workplace offers several different wellness programs that are available free of charge to employees.  I simply couldn’t squander an opportunity like that.  So, I signed up for three programs.  The first one is a program called “12 Weeks to Wellness”, the second is one-on-one work with a dietician, the third on is called “Mindful Meditation”.  So far, the Mindful Meditation one is a bust because the counsellor is a flake BUT the other two are awesome.  So 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

This is the first time I’ve really tried any programs like these so I wanted to document my progress and I figured here would be just as good a place as any.  My program will run from Feb 22 – May 16.  It’s fantastic timing because for me, Spring is a time of renewal, rejuvenation and life.

So let’s take stock of where I am today.  I got my blood panel done today, waiting on results for that.  I struggle to find the energy to just manage day-to-day life, my weight and diet need a complete overall.  I feel completely overwhelmed and at odds with myself.  I know that my emotional health, physical health, mental health and spiritual health all need to be worked on and I’m finally, finally taking the steps to do so.

This week’s chapter is called “Creating a Healthy Lifestyle for Weight Loss and Wellness”.  I like to add a bit to that and say “Creating a Healthy Lifestyle and Environment for Weight Loss and Wellness”.  I added the “Environment” because it’s something we tend to overlook.  Our surroundings, the things we hold on to, our habits; all of those things contribute to our day-to-day health.  So, I have taken these steps to make a healthier environment for myself:

  1. I wrote a reminder to myself on my bathroom mirror to remind myself of why I’m embarking on this journey, what I’m committing to and why it’s important.
  2. I deleted a ton of old facebook messages, blog posts, emails, letters, etc that were written to people that are no longer in my life.  I will likely re-write these as part of this wellness plan but I want them to come from a different place in my heart.
  3. I have shared my plan and journey with friends and family around me and that I know will support me.
  4. I have quit smoking (again).  Today is Day 10 with no cigarettes.
  5. I have reached out for help (outlined above).

I have started down the road to healthier living in the past but have never really stuck to it.  I think that’s because I wasn’t truly doing it for me.  I wasn’t ready.  I am ready now.  I am ready to take control of my life, let go of what’s burdening me, and give myself permission to live the best life for me.  I’ll try to blog each week about how it’s going, where I’m at and what I’m facing/ achieving and struggling with.

So…without further ado…let’s do this!

Wellness wooden sign on a beautiful day

Cycle of Choices

Today I was posed with a question where, for the first time, instead of simply answering right away, I sorta thought to myself, do I even owe this person an answer?  I mean he was questioning a decision I made about one of my personal social media accounts….do I really have to explain to someone why I decided to unfriend them?  Many moons ago, when he decided to “unfriend” me but in real life, I didn’t have the opportunity to question him on why.  And I don’t think he would have responded very nicely either.

Funny how one little question or statement or moment in time really gets ya thinking. After that question was asked, and as I was trying to decide whether to answer or not, I started to think when do I need to explain myself to someone and when do I not.  I’ve always been quick to explain myself, smooth over any hurt feelings and justify my actions but at what point does one simply stop with the justifications.  I unfriended you because seeing your posts isn’t the best thing for me right now.  Simple.

My response was long than the line above but that was the jist.  Seeing your social interactions isn’t good for me right now.  The response?  I don’t understand it but I respect it.  I like that response.  Of course he can’t understand it, he’s not me.  Of course he can’t understand why an old wound is still causing me pain because he’s not living it.  And I respect that.

It felt good to even give myself the option of simply not responding.  It felt good to look at a situation and ponder the idea of not offering up an explanation for my choice.  I am not a politician, I am not accountable to the public and my choices are mine.  I don’t have to defend them if I don’t want to.  Yeah, that felt good.

She shoots…will she score?

Dropping all of your vices is scary.  Scary but empowering.  Motivating but challenging.  I have a few vices.  I drink too much, not like everyday but usually at every gathering and on Fridays.  We do beer Fridays in my world.  I smoke.  I didn’t for a really long time but I do again.  I eat.  Oh baby do I eat.  I eat good food because I love good food because I can cook good food so I do.  Sedentary.  I am that.  It’s like the food thing.  I am good at sedentary.

All kidding aside, these things are really not helping to lengthen my life.  While a lot of fun, these vices are costly, take a terrible toll on the body and really don’t do much in way of making you feel GREAT about yourself.  This is especially bad considering I am one of those people who love to feel great about myself peoples.  Particularly my strength and physical fitness.  I was strong.  Strong and proud of it.  Now, not so much.  I wasn’t afraid of hiking or jogging because I knew that I could breath and enjoy myself.  Now, not so much.

Clearly things have got to change.  But the thing about me is this…the second I tell myself I *can’t* have something, you can bet your ass I’m going to run out and have 15 of exactly whatever it is I’ve just told myself I can’t have.  Childish?  Yes.  It is what it is.  So, one would think then the easiest way for me to trick myself would be to tell myself I can’t have a healthy meal or can’t run up a hill and then you’d find me eating my salad WHILE running up the hill….right?  WRONG.  Nope, you know what I’d say to myself? “Well you’re clearly out of your mind. We’d better have a beer and a cigarette and contemplate this conundrum”.  Because I work like a slightly off-kilter, needs-to-be-oiled machine.

So this all being said, I’m going to try to learn something new.  lifegoalIt’s called goal setting and achieving.  I’m pretty sure 90% of the population already does this but I do not.  So I’m going to learn.  Fun, right?  Probably not.  BUT I’m pretty sure it’s not going to hurt me either.  I mean not setting goals and not having a plan HAS been hurting me so….

I am a great starter of things…and not a great finisher so that’s my first goal.  To get a plan together and stick to it for 30 days.  I’ll keep you posted….

 

Rethinking Resolutions

Hi Everyone – miss me?  Yeah, I missed me too.

Historically, New Year’s would roll around and I would think “oh yeah, blogging.  Writing.  It’s a form of therapy for me.  Better get on that.” and then I’d come on here, write some post about my resolutions for the next year and then a few posts later, life would happen again and I would abandon the whole thing all over.

This year is a bit different.  This year, I didn’t really make a “resolution” per se.  Actually, I have been mulling the whole idea of “resolutions” over in my head.  I kinda think they’re dumb.  Unless you’re super goal oriented, super focussed and dedicated to the changes you want to make, you’re basically setting yourself up for failure.  And who wants to start their year off by setting a hollow goal?  Uh, not this chick.  Not anymore anyway.

Resolutions, to me, signify that you’ve realized *a* change has to be made.  Who knows what that change really is.  Maybe it’s eating healthier, getting more exercise, watering your house plants, putting clean socks on.  Whatever it is, the base of it all is that a change has to be made.

The thing I’ve come to realize about change, and I’m talking real, substantial, lasting change, is that it really doesn’t happen overnight, or at New Years, or in two weeks.  Real change, substantial, long-lasting change happens over time and in very small increments.  It all starts with a decision, a realization, a “light-bulb” moment if you will but then the real work, the real change comes with small decisions you make over the next period of time.  It’s like retraining yourself to think, perceive, act, feel differently than you have in the past.  It’s almost like training a dog – training a dog doesn’t happen in two days, two moments or even two months.  The decision to GET a dog takes seconds but then it’s years of hard work, patience, failure, and persistence.  Changing yourself is sorta the same thing.

Sure I need to lose a few many pounds, sure I need more exercise, sure I need to achieve some of the goals I’ve shuffled to the wayside but really the only thing I’m resolving to do is be patient with myself.  Acknowledge my changes, accept them, keep working on them because I really like who I’m becoming.  I like the direction my life is headed.  The other things will fall into place once I get myself to a more comfy place.  And that’s happening.  Slowly but surely.