Well folks, I know you’ve all been waiting on baited breath waiting for my traditional “year in review” post.
Wait…what? You haven’t been waiting at all? Pffffttt. Well, too bad. I’m writing it anyway.
I’ve been mulling this post over in my head for a while and have even started it a couple of times but couldn’t really decide the direction I wanted to go in. So I decided to revist my last year’s post to see what I had to say waaaay back then and in doing so, I was reminded of those nasty trolls. Damn it! Why did I have to re-read that post. So, because I usually have to do the same things over and over many times in order to learn my lesson, I decided to revisit that ridiculous website that basically rolls the dice for your resolution (go ahead – I dare you:http://www.moninavelarde.com/newyears/) . Really, I need to start learning my lessons the first time through. So, with the same snarky grin on my face, I press the “gimme more” button…
First “roll”: Follow through.
I. Kid. You. Not. Already I know I shouldn’t have hit that button, already I know that this is not going to be the funny, I-pulled-one-over-on-the-universe trick I thought it was going to be. Shit. Follow through huh…ok. I totally get that. I’m terrible for making plans and then breaking them. Volunteering for something and just bailing at the last moment. It also swings into my parenting techniques. I am the mother of a thousand chances and zero follow-through. That technique has failed me once, I’ll be damned before I let it affect how the other two turn out. Follow through…<mumble mumble grumble>…fine. I’ll work on it. BUT that’s not a resolution.
Second “roll” (yes, I am really stubborn to a fault): Let go
<insert extreme profanity here>…ok trolls. I know you’re capable of funny. I know that you’re capable of humour. This is supposed to be a funny website. You, website, are failing. Epicly. Let go. Ok, I get it. I really, really need to learn this. I even know I need to learn this. I even said it to my darling husband just the other day. “Q1 for counsellor: How do I let things go” – or something along those lines. Really, it’s my Achilles heel. I obsess and mull things over for WAY too long, I let it stress me out, I get all tense over it. Letting go. Novel thought. Good skill, guess I’ll have to practice that. I still don’t think those trolls are funny.
Finally, thinking to myself that this stupid website has made it’s point, I click the button one more time…: Start a piggie bank.
I have never glared at a computer screen so hard in my ENTIRE life. Alright, alright. I call mercy. I get it. The universe is not just trying to send me a message but she’s slapping me straight upside the head with it.
In all seriousness though, for the first time, I feel that I actually did make personal progress in 2012. I can feel it in my own self. It’s not so much how I do things or even what I’m doing. It’s a great culmnation of things that are coming together. I find myself calmer in some ways and more intense in others, except now it’s in the right ways. I am slowly working to quiet that hateful little voice in my head and even in the hardest moments, when I want to just let ‘er rip, I tell her to sit down and STFU. She has no place in my life now. I feel like I am taking the time to really look at myself and those around me, analyse their words, watch their actions and really try to understand them. I finally, for the first time in my life, am taking a stand with the people in my life. I have never been good at drawing boundaries. Lie to me, hit me, disrespect me, use me, make fun of me – I was always more worried about having people in my life vs having quality relationships. I’m not doing that anymore. I deserve better than that because I am better than that. For the first time in my life, I believe I am a good person and deserve better than that.
What will 2013 bring? Who knows. We weren’t supposed to get this far. For me though, it will be much of the same. Though I have no trophies to display or plaques to hand around, I am proud of my accomplishments over this past year. I am fighting some of the toughest battles anyone can fight. I am over coming years of mental conditioning that I am not good enough, not important enough, only loved if I’m a certain way. I am slowly overcoming serious depression without medication (hence shutting up that wicked bitch in the back of my mind). I am battling anxiety, a highly misunderstood, nearly invisible thing, without medication. And I’m fighting those battles for me – also a first.
So I guess, even though I always claim to not make resolutions, I do in a way. They just aren’t based on a year. I am resolved to live the happiest life I can.
Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2013 is everything you hope it will be
Ok, ok, ok…you all know I didn’t stop at three clicks right? Here are the rest:
Be a leader
Strike up a convo with a stranger
Be true to myself and others
Sing in the shower (FINALLY!)
Join a choir (what’s with the singing? I am NOT a good singer)
and finally…carpool. Very funny trolls. Very funny.