Beating Bullies and Safety Nets of Love

Well hello peeps…thanks for putting up with my last, somewhat vulgar, post.  Not my typical blog post but much needed.

I have been harbouring an awful lot of anger in my heart and it really, really needed to come out.  Nothing made me realize that more than this past weekend.  Luckily, I was able to and was supported in doing so.  It was fantastic.

I am one of those “fine” people…you know the ones right?  The conversations typically go something like this:

“How are you?” ~ “Fine.”

“How’s life?” ~ “Fine.”

“Are you ok?” ~ “Yep, I’m fine.”

“Do you need help?” ~ “Nope, I’m fine.”

Except this past weekend I decided had to do something differently (we all know the definition of insanity right?) and I answered those questions with “no”. It scared the daylights out of me to do that because I was worried that not being fine somehow made me less.  Somehow people wouldn’t care.  Somehow I wouldn’t be superwoman.  Man, I was so wrong.  I was immediately surrounded in love, support, understanding, friendship, guidance and acceptance.  Not being ok was totally ok.

It was one of the most liberating and freeing feelings I’ve had in a very long time. For once, it was ok to not know what to do or how to do whatever it was that needed to be done.

The person who was making a point of hurting me this past weekend has been hurting me for a very long time and I’ve had enough of it. It’s not that I can’t take it anymore – I don’t want to. I don’t want to and I don’t have to. The toxicity that comes from that individual is black and thick and infectious.  So, I simply put my heart in other people’s hands and asked them to hold it safely while it was hurting so badly.  And they did.

The outpouring of support, understanding and love was, and still is, incredible. It was a moment in my life that I know I will look back on often and draw strength from it. I know that taking that small risk made a very large, impactful difference in my life because I know it’s ok to not always be ok. I know that there is a safety net there to catch me when I fall and I know it’s made of the strongest substance on earth.  Love.

circle-of-love

Advertisements

Rant Rock: Villains aren’t always bad

Have you ever been made out to be the villain? I have. A lot. And I’m fucking sick of it.

I am so sick of the few people who have been in my life telling me what a shit person I am, how I have no moral compass, pointing out over, and over, and over again all the mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime.

Guess what?  I’ve made mistakes…TA DA!  I am a human being.

Guess what else?  YOU have all made mistakes. YOU all have emotional damage that you need to deal with.  YOU keep fucking shit up just as much as I do.  Guess what else? YOU are also human.

For years (Fucking Y.E.A.R.S. ), I have been a jumble of nerves and anxiety worrying about what hammer was going to fall next. I have walked on eggshells for over a decade and it resulted in me questioning myself. I allowed all of those hits and jabs and pokes to land directly on my esteem and self-confidence. You know the old saying “if everyone around you seems to be the problem, perhaps YOU are the problem”…yeah, that stuck in my head so when a select few and I had problems over and over again, I really started to believe maybe I was the major malfunction but you know what? FUCK THAT.  I have come to realize that while I am certainly part of the problem, I am most definitely not ALL of it.  My wacko magnet was on overdrive when it came to those folks.

The really shitty part of all of this is, the ones who were constantly throwing mud in my face and daggers in my heart were the people I always thought cared about me most.  How fucked up is that?  They were supposed to be part of my “family”.  I held them in such high regard and for what? To be disrespected? To be misrepresented? To be dragged through hell and back and then back to hell and then back again?

It has always felt as though the standard to which I am measured is so much higher than everyone else’s.  For instance, if I make a mistake, have a differing opinion, or even just make decisions a little differently than they would, not only is it analyzed, criticized and judged but it’s stored away in the “let’s save this for later” vault to be thrown back in my face at every turn in the road BUT if I took the same approach with them, I would be characterized as a bitch, emotionally unstable, explosive, unreasonable, etc, etc, etc.

Who does that?

For a long time I kept my anger repressed. I felt that in order for me to journey down the path of self-growth and self-awareness, I wasn’t allowed to be angry but then I realized that if I don’t get my anger out, I will never get past it. It will just sit and fester like a bubbling mass of ick. That ick will turn to sludge and it will make my path to peace a very hard one to tread. Impossible really. So I’m allowing myself to be angry. I deserve to be angry.

Allowing my anger out and allowing myself to acknowledge the good AND bad parts of me is the first step in taking the power of me away from those who don’t deserve it and putting it back in the hands of its rightful owner. Me.

If someone doesn’t like me or want me in their lives, that’s really their issue. I’m not a big bad monster who goes around hurting people and making their lives difficult. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the helpers in the world. I go out of my way to try and make those around me happy. I try my damnedest to give people what they need, be that a hug, a kind word, a beer, a pair of socks…whatever. And if the very fact that I’m a human being isn’t good enough for some people well then it’s time to say they are not welcome as a part of my life.

I will no longer walk on eggshells. I will no longer be afraid to be me.

eggshells

 

Babble Brain: Journey to the Centre of the Universe…and my Heart

Over the last year or two, I have been intentionally trying to be a better, more understanding, more level-headed, more honest, more compassionate and overall better person. I haven’t always been great at doing that but I have certainly been doing better.

I made the decision to live my life differently because I felt gross about myself. In my heart of hearts I didn’t feel like I was being fair to my own self and that’s because I wasn’t. I was lying, cheating, laughing at consequences and it made me feel sick. It validated every bad thing people had called me over the years and I hated that. I hated feeling like my name and my character was no better than dirt. So I decided to start paying attention to the Universe around me and the heart in me. Trying to align the two. To my surprise, the lessons that I had balked at learning over the years were still lingering about, waiting to be learned. I chose to start learning them. I am so grateful to have made the right choice.

heart

There have been a few moments over the last little while where I was faced with the very change I’m talking about. I could choose the way I reacted/ responded to a situation and in those moments, I chose to react and behave very differently than I would have in the past. I am proud of those moments. Change takes an effort. Change takes patience. Change isn’t instant. Change is rewarding. Change makes it easier to sleep at night. The right changes bring you peace.

Change is a challenge because with change brings even MORE change. It’s never-ending. When you decide to make one small change in yourself, your heart, your life it ends up bringing about a few more small changes and then some more changes after that and then some more even after that until you end up almost not even

I had real fears about losing myself. Losing my edge, losing my funk, losing the very essence of me but what I’ve come to realize is that I haven’t actually been myself for a very, very long time. The good news?  I am slowly getting myself, my true self, back and it feels soooooo good! I am able to own my feelings, I am able to own my faults and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe. I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything. I am finally freeing myself of binds I tied a long time ago.

Through the first stages of my journey, I will admit I’ve lost a few people I considered loved ones along the way. At first that made me really angry, and truth be told, that anger is still there. It’s just not as intense as it was. I have had the opportunity to pause and examine those lost relationships and really identify if they are healthy and positive relationships or if they are unhealthy, one-sided relationships. And just as you would suspect they were unhealthy, one-sided relationships. As hard as it is to let people go, I’m learning that letting go is ok because a balance will be found. Just as I lost some relationships, I also rekindled and gained some. Luckily, having opened myself to the lessons of the Universe, I can approach these friendships and sisterhoods with my heart boundaries in place. And that is more freeing than I could imagine.

This first leg of my journey has taken quite some time to get rolling but it’s in full swing and I’m loving it. I can feel my soul starting to ache for the next step. Maybe its building lost esteem, maybe its learning to love myself again, I have no idea. I do know that I am excited to see what it brings.

emerge

Babble Travel Log #1: Akumal, Quintana Roo, Yucatan Peninsula, Mexico (April 2015)

Oh man…where do I even start.  After much deliberation, my husband, me, and 4 of our closest friends decided to do a group trip to Mexico.  Hands down, best decision ever.

As this was my first “big” trip, I tried to leave my expectations behind and travel to unknown places with an open mind and an open heart.  I often scare myself, or talk myself, out of new experiences because of my fear.  I am so thankful that I traveled with an open heart.  I am so grateful to have had the travel crew I did.  I am so grateful for the time to reconnect with my husband.  I am so grateful to have been able to hang up all my titles (mom, daughter, advisor, etc) and just be me. I am so grateful to have had this experience and I can’t wait for our next one.

For the story of our trip, read on…

Continue reading Babble Travel Log #1: Akumal, Quintana Roo, Yucatan Peninsula, Mexico (April 2015)

Hypocrites and High Horses

Looks like I’m shaking off the dust of this rusty old blog once again…I’ve teetered on the decision to send a letter or email vs not saying anything and neither seems to sit well with me but what I’ve got to say has got to be said, just so I can let it go.

Dear You,

Once upon a time ago, about ten years ago actually, I met you with great angst. You made it very clear that I wasn’t wanted in this family nor would I be accepted easily by you. One thing you perhaps didn’t count on is that I rise to a challenge. So I set out to be accepted into the family, what I failed to realize were the unintended consequences of doing so. Over the years I have put you on a pedestal, for what reason? I’m not too sure but I did. I looked up to you and allowed myself to think and believe that you know better, live better, are better. I am learning to accept the fool in me. And that’s exactly what I was. A fool.

Over the years you and your husband and made comment after comment after comment about my life, my issues, my family, the way I live, the decisions I made/make, the way I parent, the way I talk to my husband, the relationship between me and my husband, really there has been nothing sacred that you two didn’t offer your “opinions” on or make some comment about. And I allowed it, worse even I believed it. I believed you two knew better. What a fucking crock of shit.

You are one of the worst hypocrites I have ever come across in my life. You talk to and about my husband, your brother-in-law, as though he is a shit human being and like he takes everything from you two. Open your fucking eyes. He asked his brother for help around his house. Big fucking whoop. That shouldn’t be something that is even used or held above someone’s head. One brother should be able to ask another brother for help without score being kept. The same person who you talk down to is also the same person who has rarely missed a child’s basketball game to which your husband didn’t go to. Why? Because he couldn’t “deal” with it or he was sitting at home sending naked pictures of his cock to strange women. Klassy. This “shit human” is also the same man who tore apart a bedroom so YOU could have somewhere to sleep while your husband was out fucking other women and refused to give you some much-needed space. Awesome. And again, same guy who has taken your kid camping, to parades, and has generally been there when your guy flakes out. But you won’t acknowledge that, you don’t give that to him.

You know, there are a long list of things I am finally, finally!, getting pissed off about but the one thing that sickens me to the actual core is how you’ve handled the last situation. Somehow, your husband was out F-U-C-K-I-N-G other women but somehow that’s my fault? Instead of being honest (whoa, what a concept) you are telling my nieces that *I* am to blame. I didn’t, and don’t, have control over where your man sticks his dick. I didn’t, and haven’t, offered undue “opinions or input” into your marriage. *I* wasn’t the cause of the infidelity but you are certainly comfortable placing blame. You know, I was there for your kid for years, especially when you couldn’t be. The Easter you went fishing or whatever with your Dad and your “man” was supposed to do Easter with us? Yeah, he dropped girlie off and we didn’t see him for three days….guess I had control of his junk then too, right? BUT…she still had Easter even though her Mom was away and her Dad was out trolling. You’re welcome. When you had to leave to be with your nephew, guess who still had a birthday party? And guess who did that? Your daughter has fabulous memories of camping, parades, family picnics, Easter dinner, Christmas dinner, and many more and guess who played a MAJOR factor in that? Yeah, that’d be me. I laugh a little now when I hear you’re doing family dinners and cooking Easter supper…all I can do is laugh a little. They say imitation is the best form of flattery…so I’m flattered.
You know, I’ve thought back to that day…you know the one? The one where I actually told you that your husband was sleeping with other woman and had continued to lie to you even after he said he didn’t. Yeah, that one…and I wonder if, knowing what I know now, would I have chosen differently. There is a part of me, a very mean part of me, that wishes I hadn’t told you. That part of me figures I should have just let it run its course and watched when it blew up in your face. I mean, he was pursuing women pretty aggressively and lots of people circling you were talking about it so it was only a matter of time. I kind of wish you hadn’t been given the opportunity to contain it and keep it private and I had the opportunity to watch those fake ass masks you two wear blow off BUT in the end, I am glad I told you. I know how important keeping your private affairs is to you, and I’m glad that you could do that to some extent and I’m glad you know the truth. So, in answer to myself, no I wouldn’t have done anything differently. If you two work things out, great. If not, that’s your story to write. Either way it goes, I’m kind of relieved, albeit saddened, that I’m out of it.

In the end of all of this, you know what irks me off the most? Is the fact that even if I said any of this directly to you, none of it would get through that thick skull of yours. You are incapable of considering my viewpoint and you have an incredible ability to disapprove of something I do, even when you’re doing it yourself. Brava on that talent by the way, it’s called double standards if you’re ever curious to learn more.

Anyway, there is a lot more that I can vent away about but really, what good is it going to do? I hope you learn how to be honest going forward, with yourself, your family, your spouse and everyone in your life. I know I’ve learned how and I’ll keep on being that way.

*dismounts my high horse*

Ciao.

Ohana

I don’t come from a large family or a particularly close family so I’ve always envied large families and ones that are super close. It’s always been something I wish I had but figured I wouldn’t ever really have. I mean most of my family lives half a world away and it’s fragmented at best so I came to accept that I just wouldn’t ever have that big, fun, family that I had always dreamed of. Then I married my husband. He has his own children which gave us an instantly larger family and he has a brother who’s married with children so I thought YES! I will finally have the large, close knit family I had always wanted. So I worked. And worked, and worked, and worked. I worked at being accepted, at being loved by that extended family, at pulling together the family I had always hoped for and for a time, a very short time, I thought we had actually overcome all the differences, all the troubles, all the drama of years past and we were finally a “family”.

Boy was I wrong. I’ve mentioned how wrong I can be, right?

I have come to the realization that it was all just a big delusion on my part. That “close-knit” family I had come to be so proud of was really all in my head. Over the years, we would host big family dinners and celebrate as a family but for the first time, I’m realizing that it was always me to initiate those get togethers. We would constantly extend invites to outings, picnics, backyard BBQ’s, dinners, movies, whatever and there would always be an excuse or a reason that they wouldn’t be able to come. We would share our alcohol, food, work, time, pay for our niece, etc but those favours were never returned. As a matter of fact, all we’ve ever been accused of is not helping enough.

For a short time, I felt like I had a brother close to me but it was just another delusion. I was a time-filler. Someone to go for coffee with and, most times, pay for it. My sister-in-law once said to me, that she was tired of being the one to pursue a relationship with someone. That relationships were two-way streets and it felt like she was always the one working. Funny, I’ve always been the one working on a relationship with her. Clearly I missed the message. I am disposable to both of these people. That became so clear when I finally, for once, told the truth. I knew that there were some shady things happening and I just couldn’t watch the games that were being played around me. I sought counsel of many people about what they would do and the vote was split. Some said tell, others said don’t. I care about the person being hurt. I care about the person doing the hurting. So I decided that if I was asked, I wouldn’t lie. And I didn’t. Holy backlash batman!

The whole situation makes me so sad. I’ve tried to be angry but I’m not. I’m just sad. These realizations are always the hardest. It is hard to realize that you don’t mean much to someone, especially when you’ve held that person, or in this case people, in such high regard.

The great thing about realizing who you mean little to, is you also start to realize who you mean a lot to. I’ve been so focussed on making the family I married into work that I lost sight of the family that I actually built. I have really amazing friends, many of whom I consider family. I was able to realize that I’d really neglected relationships with people who mean the world to me and I’m so thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to start rebuilding them. People who want me around simply because they like who I am and enjoy spending time with me.

At the end of it all, life is just teaching me the true definition of “family”.

ohana-means-family

Head Housekeeping

I don’t know how many times I’ve typed a sentence only to lay on the backspace button and forever erase what I’d just written. Heck, I just did it five times. Every time I open this page I expect some rush of wisdom or witty banter to flow from my thoughts to my fingers and finally into the interwebz that will reap hoardes of viewers and build a healthy following of eager listeners. (I have mentioned my completely unrealistic expectations, right?) And every time I open this page and start typing, I get discouraged by the fact that I erase what I start to say a bunch of times before I actually start getting my thoughts out.

What does that say to me? I have ridiculous expectations and my brain is scattered. I need to start doing a little internal spring cleaning. Get my thoughts out. Get the stuff that keeps rolling around and around and around in my head, OUT! I need to finally embark on the next leg of my healing journey and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

As you may, or may not gathered, I am overweight…like way overweight. No, scratch that. I’m fuggin fat. And I’m sick of it so what do I do? I start planning. Plan, plan, plan and then do a little of the do-ing and then get pissed off because my plans are taking too long (I wasn’t joking about those expectations of mine) and then I self-sabotage and then BOOM! Back to square one. Yes, I do this often. Yes, I know what the definition of insane is. This time, I’m going to do things a little differently. See? Told you I know I’m being insane. This time, I’m not going to focus on my weight or my food or my exercise. This time, I’m going to focus on doing a little head housekeeping. I’m going to try and get my thoughts calmed down, my spirits lifted and remember that I am me. I am going to teach myself how to calm my expectations a little bit. I am going to be patient with myself. I am going to learn what works for me and my body. I am going to learn how to deal with my stress and focus on the undercurrents that may be leading to my sabotage. I know how to eat healthy, I know how to track my food and I know how to exercise. Clearly, there is more going on here than just that. I am holding onto this weight either literally or figuratively or both but regardless of what it is, I am going to get to the bottom of it. Starting now.

Goals for this week:

1) Do one meditation
2) Write at least 3 blog posts or journal entries
3) Find one positive thing about each day to celebrate and post on my facebook status (keeps me real, yo)

Good goals, right? I think so!

Nailing it
Nailing it

Come as you are…

“Come as you are, as you were,
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy.
Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours, don’t be late.”

Ahh…the lyrics that shapped my early teenaged years. Good ole Nirvana. I can distinctly remember 13 year old me talking about how I could relate to the lyrics because I had grown so much over the years (yes, that was written while rolling my eyes). Boy do I wish I could go back and smack 13 year old me up side the head.

Certain things have been happening in my life that have really made me look at who I am and who’ve I’ve become. I spout off about the stories of who I used to be and the things I used to do but I rarely talk about who I am and I’ve come up with a theory on why. Basically, the person I used to be is familiar and I know what to expect when I behave in those ways but this new, more honest version of me is scary as hell.

The person I used to be smoked weed, got drunk, screwed around, lied, was manipulative, usually had an alterior motive but that is who I used to be. I didn’t really give a shit about anyone but myself. If I spoke up about something, it’s because I stood to gain soemthing. If I wanted to get high, get drunk, and/or have sex I’d just call up whoever would be willing and go to ‘er, the consequences never really mattered.

That’s all changed. I like to pin point my own extra marital affair as the piviotal point of change but I think it’s been happening for a long time before that, maybe I just started paying attention after that last encounter. Recently, I was faced with a decision to lie or tell the truth. Lying would have been so much easier, in the short term anyway. I could have preserved one relationship and stalled the strain on another but in the moment when I had the choice, I chose to tell the truth. I’ve asked myself why so many times in the past while because that’s not what I’d normally do. I’m glad I’ve had the wherewithall to question the why because I’ve been pleasantly surprised by my answers.

First, I’ve had the awesome opportunity to realize and celebrate the fact that my values and moral compass have shifted. I no longer identify with being a “cheater” or “cheap” or “easy” or “a homewrecker”. That’s just not who I am anymore. I’ve made peace with that part of me and it feels fantastic. I find myself getting defensive when someone says “once a cheater, always a cheater” because that’s not true, I am no longer a cheater nor will I ever be again.

I also don’t identify with being a liar. I am not completely innocent when it comes to lying and I can’t say I won’t tell a lie in the future but what I can tell you is that it doesn’t feel good when I do it. I feel the weight of guilt, frustration, worry and general distaste. In that moment of being able to chose, and knowing what the consequences of my choice were, I finally chose what was best for me. For my psyche. I may never repair those relationships and that’s a consequence of the situation but at least I know that I was honest and I’m not hiding anything. I’m not keeping secrets or protecting lies. I am free of that and that freedom is delicious.

Finally, I’ve been taking a good long look at why I’m drinking and why I have started smoking pot again *gasp* and really, the question there is why am I chasing that dragon? Why am I feeling the need to live a life that’s not a sober one and again, I think it’s to get away from facing up to what I already know. Things are different now. Pot is not my deal and when I think about hiding it from my kids and being paranoid that I’m going to get “caught”, it is clear to me that my conscience already knows what my brain has been slow in realizing. It’s just not for me. Drinking makes me sick and I do and say stupid things when I’m drunk. It’s also not for me. I have to be ready to let that go. I have to learn to be comfortable and confident in my sober skin and that’s what I’m going to learn to do. I want a healthy life and not one that is foggy and half-remembered.

Finally, I have been examining the relationships I have in my life and I’ve started to question why I’ve prioritized some unhealhty, one-sided relationships over ones that I felt comfortable in. I have distanced myself from so many of my friends over the last few years and I am ashamed of that. I have a lot of fence mending to do and hopefully those fences are strong enough to be mended. I have been chasing people who couldn’t give a damn if I was in their lives or not, bending over backward, trying to be everything to everyone and I have forgotten that to a handful of people I am enough for them without even having to try.

I am so blessed to have found the person that I love completely. I am so blessed to have healthy, interested, good people as children. I am blessed to have fences that need mending. I am blessed that I realized it before it was too late.

imagesCA9ELXWJ

Coming Home

One morning I woke up, decided to don my big-girl panties, pack my suitcase and take my new, enlightened self to a different venue.  Like so many leaving home for the first time, I thought I can do this, I can find a new space and make it my own but like many of us, there never really is any place quite like home.  That’s how I feel about this blog.

I started a new blog, I started a twitter, I started all of it with the intentions of tapping back into my creative self and pouring out one enlightened post after another but you know what they say about good intentions right? 

I thought making the decision to re-open Random Babble would be easy but it really wasn’t.  I found myself staring at the link to my dashboard and thinking “If only I could post…” until my better sense (she can be a little slow on the uptake folks) kicked some sense into my brain and replied with “why the hell can’t you?”  I didn’t have a good answer. Yes, I answer myself.

Luckily, deciding to post on an old blog is nothing like going home.  For starters, you can actually do it.  It doesn’t feel weird.  I don’t feel misplaced or like a guest.  I feel exactly how I should – like I want to write again.

 coming home logo 1

Up, Up and Away…

This has become a mantra for me This has become a mantra for me

I started this blog many years ago with great intentions of becoming a “real” blogger. You know, one that develops a loyal following and has fans waiting in the wings. Yeah, my ego may have been slightly larger than my head. And by slightly I mean freaking huge. But whatevs.

In the early months, I made lists of the topics I was going to cover. Political topics, hot-button topic, and parenting issues all made the roster but very few made the blog. This blog became a place for me to write about and work through very personal issues in my life. I’ve had some really great feedback from the few people who do read my posts and I’ve had some very ugly things thrown at me by trolls who need a hobby. Looking back now, I see this as a stepping stone onto the journey I have been on.

Looking at this blog now I see so much of it that represents where I used to be. I used to trend to the negative. I used to be bitter. I used to look at the world through lenses coloured with anger, hate, hurt and sarcasm. I used to talk about all the things I used to be instead of really focussing on what I am, who I’m becoming and who I want to be. (Yes, I realize the irony of doing that exact thing right now). I used to think of myself as broken.

I am no longer those things. I am being true to myself. I am learning my passions. I am terrified of this journey. I am terrified of being vulernable. I am terrified of being weak. I am terrified of reaching out to people and letting them in. I am terrified of failing. I am excited to be on this journey. I am proud of the accomplishments I’ve made so far. I am proud that I continually challenge myself and am putting a voice to my insecurities. I am glad that I have acknowledged my weaknesses and am learning to embrace them. I am fixing myself.

I have been cleansing my life of my old ways. Slowly but surely. Old habits, old thought patterns, old text messages, old contacts, and old diary pages. It’s now time to put this blog to rest, not just change the template or the title or the layout but really close this chapter and move on.

So, until next time folks!

So long and farewell