Tag Archives: change

Rethinking Resolutions

Hi Everyone – miss me?  Yeah, I missed me too.

Historically, New Year’s would roll around and I would think “oh yeah, blogging.  Writing.  It’s a form of therapy for me.  Better get on that.” and then I’d come on here, write some post about my resolutions for the next year and then a few posts later, life would happen again and I would abandon the whole thing all over.

This year is a bit different.  This year, I didn’t really make a “resolution” per se.  Actually, I have been mulling the whole idea of “resolutions” over in my head.  I kinda think they’re dumb.  Unless you’re super goal oriented, super focussed and dedicated to the changes you want to make, you’re basically setting yourself up for failure.  And who wants to start their year off by setting a hollow goal?  Uh, not this chick.  Not anymore anyway.

Resolutions, to me, signify that you’ve realized *a* change has to be made.  Who knows what that change really is.  Maybe it’s eating healthier, getting more exercise, watering your house plants, putting clean socks on.  Whatever it is, the base of it all is that a change has to be made.

The thing I’ve come to realize about change, and I’m talking real, substantial, lasting change, is that it really doesn’t happen overnight, or at New Years, or in two weeks.  Real change, substantial, long-lasting change happens over time and in very small increments.  It all starts with a decision, a realization, a “light-bulb” moment if you will but then the real work, the real change comes with small decisions you make over the next period of time.  It’s like retraining yourself to think, perceive, act, feel differently than you have in the past.  It’s almost like training a dog – training a dog doesn’t happen in two days, two moments or even two months.  The decision to GET a dog takes seconds but then it’s years of hard work, patience, failure, and persistence.  Changing yourself is sorta the same thing.

Sure I need to lose a few many pounds, sure I need more exercise, sure I need to achieve some of the goals I’ve shuffled to the wayside but really the only thing I’m resolving to do is be patient with myself.  Acknowledge my changes, accept them, keep working on them because I really like who I’m becoming.  I like the direction my life is headed.  The other things will fall into place once I get myself to a more comfy place.  And that’s happening.  Slowly but surely.

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Babble Brain: Journey to the Centre of the Universe…and my Heart

Over the last year or two, I have been intentionally trying to be a better, more understanding, more level-headed, more honest, more compassionate and overall better person. I haven’t always been great at doing that but I have certainly been doing better.

I made the decision to live my life differently because I felt gross about myself. In my heart of hearts I didn’t feel like I was being fair to my own self and that’s because I wasn’t. I was lying, cheating, laughing at consequences and it made me feel sick. It validated every bad thing people had called me over the years and I hated that. I hated feeling like my name and my character was no better than dirt. So I decided to start paying attention to the Universe around me and the heart in me. Trying to align the two. To my surprise, the lessons that I had balked at learning over the years were still lingering about, waiting to be learned. I chose to start learning them. I am so grateful to have made the right choice.

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There have been a few moments over the last little while where I was faced with the very change I’m talking about. I could choose the way I reacted/ responded to a situation and in those moments, I chose to react and behave very differently than I would have in the past. I am proud of those moments. Change takes an effort. Change takes patience. Change isn’t instant. Change is rewarding. Change makes it easier to sleep at night. The right changes bring you peace.

Change is a challenge because with change brings even MORE change. It’s never-ending. When you decide to make one small change in yourself, your heart, your life it ends up bringing about a few more small changes and then some more changes after that and then some more even after that until you end up almost not even

I had real fears about losing myself. Losing my edge, losing my funk, losing the very essence of me but what I’ve come to realize is that I haven’t actually been myself for a very, very long time. The good news?  I am slowly getting myself, my true self, back and it feels soooooo good! I am able to own my feelings, I am able to own my faults and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe. I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything. I am finally freeing myself of binds I tied a long time ago.

Through the first stages of my journey, I will admit I’ve lost a few people I considered loved ones along the way. At first that made me really angry, and truth be told, that anger is still there. It’s just not as intense as it was. I have had the opportunity to pause and examine those lost relationships and really identify if they are healthy and positive relationships or if they are unhealthy, one-sided relationships. And just as you would suspect they were unhealthy, one-sided relationships. As hard as it is to let people go, I’m learning that letting go is ok because a balance will be found. Just as I lost some relationships, I also rekindled and gained some. Luckily, having opened myself to the lessons of the Universe, I can approach these friendships and sisterhoods with my heart boundaries in place. And that is more freeing than I could imagine.

This first leg of my journey has taken quite some time to get rolling but it’s in full swing and I’m loving it. I can feel my soul starting to ache for the next step. Maybe its building lost esteem, maybe its learning to love myself again, I have no idea. I do know that I am excited to see what it brings.

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2012: A Year in Question

According to some, the world as we know it will be coming to an end in four short days.  While some people scoff at the notion, others are taking it seriously.  I’m not sure what will happen on Friday but it seems to me that some sort of change is in order.  Take a look around – our world is becoming horrific.  

This weekend, I let my mind wander around the hallowed halls of Christmas time memories and traditions.  In talking to my mother-in-law, she was telling us about what Christmas was like for her as a young girl.  Their family didn’t have a lot of money and gifts didn’t cover the living room floor.  They got one small gift each and sometimes had to share that one gift.  The thing that struck me most was that she was remembering her Christmas’ fondly, there was no hurt feelings because she didn’t get a lot of “stuff”.  Christmas for her generation was about family, being together and having a special time.  That didn’t necessarily equate to things.  On that note, I was raised differently.  I was given every thing my heart could desire.  My Christmas mornings were 5 hour long productions, marathon gift opening to be exact. I can’t imagine the debt my parents incurred trying to give me that.  And you know what?  I can’t recall with any clarity what I got on any of those Christmas mornings.  All of that “stuff” has long since disappeared.  My Christmas memories are more about going to Christmas functions, school plays and our own family traditions.  It is difficult to break that cycle but it’s one I’m feeling like I need to break.  I remember being a small child and the idea of Santa not bringing gifts because I was naughty was a real thing.  Now, I think most children would roll their eyes and say “whatever”.  That is what entitlement does to people.

I worry for those children who haven’t learned and are not learning good values, the satisfaction of hard work, are being seduced by fame and mostly who are not being held accountable for who they are and their actions.  This past Friday, our nightmares came true.  A young man walked into a school and murdered students and teachers alike.  I believe that event and the subsequent media frenzy pretty well outlines exactly what is wrong with our world right now.  Firstly, why did that man have such easy access to those weapons?  Why can’t the US get it straight – you should NOT have the right to bear arms.  Your arms laws are making it easier and easier for people to kill one another.  Stop giving everyone a gun.  It’s a bad idea.  Secondly, stop making your health care systems for profit.  These are the people of your nation.  Take care of them.  Stop picking wars with other countries and take care of your own.

I have a hard time writing about this subject because example after example after example of how messed up we are comes to mind.  I simply can’t type fast enough to get it all out.  The indignation, anger and deep sadness I feel for the state of humanity is close to unbearble. 

That all being said, I have spent a considerable amount of time looking within myself to see if I am contributing to this incredible downward spiral or if I am trying to make it better.  I think I am walking both lines.  With the “end of the world” looming ever closer, I have been looking at my loved ones a little closer.  I layed next to my husband last night and looked at him.  Really looked at him, traced each line in his face with my eyes, breathed in the scent of him, put my feet on his and rubbed them just feeling him close to me.  I spend so much of my time focussed on what’s not right, what needs to change and what isn’t getting done, I sometimes forget to just stop and enjoy being with him.  Together we’ve faced incredible adversity, we’ve built a life together, we overcame incredible odds just to be together and we share a love that is deep.  Sometimes I forget that regardless of life’s stresses, life’s worries and life’s horror, I have someone with me.  That’s a lot more than a lot of people have.  Again, with the end of the world looming, I have been hugging my kids more often, hugging them closer, tighter and longer.  My son will be 14 in a few short weeks.  The days of long hugs are going to come to an end.  As he takes his first steps into young adult hood and I fight to keep him small, it will become tougher and tougher to live with one another.  So I’m hugging him more and more.  My little daughter.  She is getting taller and taller and the “tween” years are not too far in the future.  I am praying we get through those years a little better than my Mom did.  I am praying that things are different than with our eldest daughter.  I am praying she remembers how much we love her.  Basically, I’m praying that our parenting is strong enough to get both my son and daughter through the next 5 years clean, successful and still alive.  I worry about this more and more simply because of the state of our world.

So, whether or not the world will truly end at the tail end of this week has yet to be determined but I really believe that something needs to change.  We, meaning humanity, simply can’t carry on the way we have been.