Tag Archives: disappointment

Head Housekeeping

I don’t know how many times I’ve typed a sentence only to lay on the backspace button and forever erase what I’d just written. Heck, I just did it five times. Every time I open this page I expect some rush of wisdom or witty banter to flow from my thoughts to my fingers and finally into the interwebz that will reap hoardes of viewers and build a healthy following of eager listeners. (I have mentioned my completely unrealistic expectations, right?) And every time I open this page and start typing, I get discouraged by the fact that I erase what I start to say a bunch of times before I actually start getting my thoughts out.

What does that say to me? I have ridiculous expectations and my brain is scattered. I need to start doing a little internal spring cleaning. Get my thoughts out. Get the stuff that keeps rolling around and around and around in my head, OUT! I need to finally embark on the next leg of my healing journey and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

As you may, or may not gathered, I am overweight…like way overweight. No, scratch that. I’m fuggin fat. And I’m sick of it so what do I do? I start planning. Plan, plan, plan and then do a little of the do-ing and then get pissed off because my plans are taking too long (I wasn’t joking about those expectations of mine) and then I self-sabotage and then BOOM! Back to square one. Yes, I do this often. Yes, I know what the definition of insane is. This time, I’m going to do things a little differently. See? Told you I know I’m being insane. This time, I’m not going to focus on my weight or my food or my exercise. This time, I’m going to focus on doing a little head housekeeping. I’m going to try and get my thoughts calmed down, my spirits lifted and remember that I am me. I am going to teach myself how to calm my expectations a little bit. I am going to be patient with myself. I am going to learn what works for me and my body. I am going to learn how to deal with my stress and focus on the undercurrents that may be leading to my sabotage. I know how to eat healthy, I know how to track my food and I know how to exercise. Clearly, there is more going on here than just that. I am holding onto this weight either literally or figuratively or both but regardless of what it is, I am going to get to the bottom of it. Starting now.

Goals for this week:

1) Do one meditation
2) Write at least 3 blog posts or journal entries
3) Find one positive thing about each day to celebrate and post on my facebook status (keeps me real, yo)

Good goals, right? I think so!

Nailing it
Nailing it

Anticipating disappointment

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…that was my cyber scream.

I’m feeling so stressed out right now.  We put our offer in on the house last night.  The stress of waiting, the debt, the anticipation…it’s going to kill me!

I want this so badly I could spit.  I want to be out of the place I live in.  I want to own my own home.  I want to own THAT particular home.  I could see our family living there.  I could see my kidlets growing up and remembering that home.  I can see us padding around in our socks.  I can see us grumbling about the amount of housework.  The repairs.  The decorating.  I can visualize it.

I also know that if it doesn’t work out, the let-down is going to be awful.  The disappointment is going to batter my brain like no one’s business.  That’s the part I’m afraid of.  The disappointment.

We are much closer now than we have ever been.  Offer is in.  Down payment is in order.  Financing *should* be a breeze..all that’s left is the Seller has to accept (or reasonably counter) and off we go.

The next two weeks just might be the most emotional weeks I’ve had in a long time.