Tag Archives: drama

Hypocrites and High Horses

Looks like I’m shaking off the dust of this rusty old blog once again…I’ve teetered on the decision to send a letter or email vs not saying anything and neither seems to sit well with me but what I’ve got to say has got to be said, just so I can let it go.

Dear You,

Once upon a time ago, about ten years ago actually, I met you with great angst. You made it very clear that I wasn’t wanted in this family nor would I be accepted easily by you. One thing you perhaps didn’t count on is that I rise to a challenge. So I set out to be accepted into the family, what I failed to realize were the unintended consequences of doing so. Over the years I have put you on a pedestal, for what reason? I’m not too sure but I did. I looked up to you and allowed myself to think and believe that you know better, live better, are better. I am learning to accept the fool in me. And that’s exactly what I was. A fool.

Over the years you and your husband and made comment after comment after comment about my life, my issues, my family, the way I live, the decisions I made/make, the way I parent, the way I talk to my husband, the relationship between me and my husband, really there has been nothing sacred that you two didn’t offer your “opinions” on or make some comment about. And I allowed it, worse even I believed it. I believed you two knew better. What a fucking crock of shit.

You are one of the worst hypocrites I have ever come across in my life. You talk to and about my husband, your brother-in-law, as though he is a shit human being and like he takes everything from you two. Open your fucking eyes. He asked his brother for help around his house. Big fucking whoop. That shouldn’t be something that is even used or held above someone’s head. One brother should be able to ask another brother for help without score being kept. The same person who you talk down to is also the same person who has rarely missed a child’s basketball game to which your husband didn’t go to. Why? Because he couldn’t “deal” with it or he was sitting at home sending naked pictures of his cock to strange women. Klassy. This “shit human” is also the same man who tore apart a bedroom so YOU could have somewhere to sleep while your husband was out fucking other women and refused to give you some much-needed space. Awesome. And again, same guy who has taken your kid camping, to parades, and has generally been there when your guy flakes out. But you won’t acknowledge that, you don’t give that to him.

You know, there are a long list of things I am finally, finally!, getting pissed off about but the one thing that sickens me to the actual core is how you’ve handled the last situation. Somehow, your husband was out F-U-C-K-I-N-G other women but somehow that’s my fault? Instead of being honest (whoa, what a concept) you are telling my nieces that *I* am to blame. I didn’t, and don’t, have control over where your man sticks his dick. I didn’t, and haven’t, offered undue “opinions or input” into your marriage. *I* wasn’t the cause of the infidelity but you are certainly comfortable placing blame. You know, I was there for your kid for years, especially when you couldn’t be. The Easter you went fishing or whatever with your Dad and your “man” was supposed to do Easter with us? Yeah, he dropped girlie off and we didn’t see him for three days….guess I had control of his junk then too, right? BUT…she still had Easter even though her Mom was away and her Dad was out trolling. You’re welcome. When you had to leave to be with your nephew, guess who still had a birthday party? And guess who did that? Your daughter has fabulous memories of camping, parades, family picnics, Easter dinner, Christmas dinner, and many more and guess who played a MAJOR factor in that? Yeah, that’d be me. I laugh a little now when I hear you’re doing family dinners and cooking Easter supper…all I can do is laugh a little. They say imitation is the best form of flattery…so I’m flattered.
You know, I’ve thought back to that day…you know the one? The one where I actually told you that your husband was sleeping with other woman and had continued to lie to you even after he said he didn’t. Yeah, that one…and I wonder if, knowing what I know now, would I have chosen differently. There is a part of me, a very mean part of me, that wishes I hadn’t told you. That part of me figures I should have just let it run its course and watched when it blew up in your face. I mean, he was pursuing women pretty aggressively and lots of people circling you were talking about it so it was only a matter of time. I kind of wish you hadn’t been given the opportunity to contain it and keep it private and I had the opportunity to watch those fake ass masks you two wear blow off BUT in the end, I am glad I told you. I know how important keeping your private affairs is to you, and I’m glad that you could do that to some extent and I’m glad you know the truth. So, in answer to myself, no I wouldn’t have done anything differently. If you two work things out, great. If not, that’s your story to write. Either way it goes, I’m kind of relieved, albeit saddened, that I’m out of it.

In the end of all of this, you know what irks me off the most? Is the fact that even if I said any of this directly to you, none of it would get through that thick skull of yours. You are incapable of considering my viewpoint and you have an incredible ability to disapprove of something I do, even when you’re doing it yourself. Brava on that talent by the way, it’s called double standards if you’re ever curious to learn more.

Anyway, there is a lot more that I can vent away about but really, what good is it going to do? I hope you learn how to be honest going forward, with yourself, your family, your spouse and everyone in your life. I know I’ve learned how and I’ll keep on being that way.

*dismounts my high horse*

Ciao.

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Ohana

I don’t come from a large family or a particularly close family so I’ve always envied large families and ones that are super close. It’s always been something I wish I had but figured I wouldn’t ever really have. I mean most of my family lives half a world away and it’s fragmented at best so I came to accept that I just wouldn’t ever have that big, fun, family that I had always dreamed of. Then I married my husband. He has his own children which gave us an instantly larger family and he has a brother who’s married with children so I thought YES! I will finally have the large, close knit family I had always wanted. So I worked. And worked, and worked, and worked. I worked at being accepted, at being loved by that extended family, at pulling together the family I had always hoped for and for a time, a very short time, I thought we had actually overcome all the differences, all the troubles, all the drama of years past and we were finally a “family”.

Boy was I wrong. I’ve mentioned how wrong I can be, right?

I have come to the realization that it was all just a big delusion on my part. That “close-knit” family I had come to be so proud of was really all in my head. Over the years, we would host big family dinners and celebrate as a family but for the first time, I’m realizing that it was always me to initiate those get togethers. We would constantly extend invites to outings, picnics, backyard BBQ’s, dinners, movies, whatever and there would always be an excuse or a reason that they wouldn’t be able to come. We would share our alcohol, food, work, time, pay for our niece, etc but those favours were never returned. As a matter of fact, all we’ve ever been accused of is not helping enough.

For a short time, I felt like I had a brother close to me but it was just another delusion. I was a time-filler. Someone to go for coffee with and, most times, pay for it. My sister-in-law once said to me, that she was tired of being the one to pursue a relationship with someone. That relationships were two-way streets and it felt like she was always the one working. Funny, I’ve always been the one working on a relationship with her. Clearly I missed the message. I am disposable to both of these people. That became so clear when I finally, for once, told the truth. I knew that there were some shady things happening and I just couldn’t watch the games that were being played around me. I sought counsel of many people about what they would do and the vote was split. Some said tell, others said don’t. I care about the person being hurt. I care about the person doing the hurting. So I decided that if I was asked, I wouldn’t lie. And I didn’t. Holy backlash batman!

The whole situation makes me so sad. I’ve tried to be angry but I’m not. I’m just sad. These realizations are always the hardest. It is hard to realize that you don’t mean much to someone, especially when you’ve held that person, or in this case people, in such high regard.

The great thing about realizing who you mean little to, is you also start to realize who you mean a lot to. I’ve been so focussed on making the family I married into work that I lost sight of the family that I actually built. I have really amazing friends, many of whom I consider family. I was able to realize that I’d really neglected relationships with people who mean the world to me and I’m so thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to start rebuilding them. People who want me around simply because they like who I am and enjoy spending time with me.

At the end of it all, life is just teaching me the true definition of “family”.

ohana-means-family

Resolutions and Evil Trolls

I have always been a fabulous resolution maker and a terrible resolution sticker-to’er.  This hasn’t changed and it never will so I gave up trying to perfect New Year’s resolutions.  Why?  Mostly because it’s an exercise in setting yourself up for failure and  I really, really hate failing. 

Now you know how I feel about resolutions so imagine my chuckles when I came across a site that’s called “2012 New Year’s Resolution Generator”…hell yeah!  I’m all over that…it’s the epitome of what is wrong with New Year’s resolutions.  Some random online generator that has no knowledge of where you are in your life, what needs to be changed or what your personal goals are.  So, laughing to myself, I clicked the link and waited on (barely) baited breath to see what my first resolution for 2012 would be…

Ready for it?

Be spiritual

W.T.F. – how can some random generator know I actually need to rediscover and embrace spirituality in my life.  And how can it be that, that particular item pops up first?  *sigh*  So I wipe that off as coincidence.  Fine.  I’ll play along.  Again…click on the link, chuckling to myself thinking that the inter-ether isn’t going to get the best of me!

Second times a charm, right?

Wrong.

Meditate

W.T.F. – again, is this machine tracking my thoughts or something?  Meditation is a definite must for me.  I need to get in touch with who I am, what I am and who I intend on being.  Meditation is an excellent outlet for this particular goal.

Ok…now I’m relying on the three strikes rule…click again, teeth gritted and waiting for some snarky “play less on the internet” resolution…

Not dwell on the past

*raises middle finger to computer monitor*

I’m pretty sure there are evil trolls in the computer that have mind-reading capabilities. 

Despite those irritating little trolls, these three resolutions are so incredibly true for me.  I am at a cross-road in my life and I’m struggling with the path that lies ahead of me mostly because I haven’t really dealt with the path that lies behind me.  Imagine trying to lug tonnes of baggage through mucky sand…yeah, that’s where I’m at.  So I’ve decided that I need to leave the baggage at this cross-road.  It means that my stop here is going to be a little longer than I had intended but in the end it’s time worth spending. 

Through attempting to offload some of this baggage, I’ve been dealing with some pretty ugly, brutal memories.  It’s stuff like this that brings up some very hard questions, very hard emotions and at times, a terrible aloneness.  BUT…it also provides me an opportunity for some closure.  An opportunity to move past the ugliness and move into a better space.  And each time I take that opportunity, I lighten my load just a little bit more.  And THAT is a very good thing.

And for any of you that are wondering if those pesky little trolls ever found a sense of humour, here are the 10 resolutions that ridiculous program came up for me (yes, I went all the way to 10)

1) Be spiritual

2) Meditate

3) Not dwell on the past

4) Participate

5) Find the time

6) Try harder

7) Be curious (ok, maybe this one is their idea of a joke…curiousity is simply a part of my nature and more often than not gets me into a LOAD of trouble)

8) Be me

9) Listen

10) Appreciate the simple things

11) Be fearless

…ok, I know that’s 11 but I just needed to see if I was going to get a funny one.  For what it’s worth, my co-worker got 1) solve the rubik’s cube 2) learn to say hello in 5 languages and 3) Re-read a book from high school…apparently the trolls like her much better.

For those of you who’d like to giv’er a shot, here’s the website: http://www.moninavelarde.com/newyears/

For those pesky trolls…next year, I’ll make sure you’ve got nuthin’…oh wait, crap…was that a resolution?