Tag Archives: Friends

Cycle of Choices

Today I was posed with a question where, for the first time, instead of simply answering right away, I sorta thought to myself, do I even owe this person an answer?  I mean he was questioning a decision I made about one of my personal social media accounts….do I really have to explain to someone why I decided to unfriend them?  Many moons ago, when he decided to “unfriend” me but in real life, I didn’t have the opportunity to question him on why.  And I don’t think he would have responded very nicely either.

Funny how one little question or statement or moment in time really gets ya thinking. After that question was asked, and as I was trying to decide whether to answer or not, I started to think when do I need to explain myself to someone and when do I not.  I’ve always been quick to explain myself, smooth over any hurt feelings and justify my actions but at what point does one simply stop with the justifications.  I unfriended you because seeing your posts isn’t the best thing for me right now.  Simple.

My response was long than the line above but that was the jist.  Seeing your social interactions isn’t good for me right now.  The response?  I don’t understand it but I respect it.  I like that response.  Of course he can’t understand it, he’s not me.  Of course he can’t understand why an old wound is still causing me pain because he’s not living it.  And I respect that.

It felt good to even give myself the option of simply not responding.  It felt good to look at a situation and ponder the idea of not offering up an explanation for my choice.  I am not a politician, I am not accountable to the public and my choices are mine.  I don’t have to defend them if I don’t want to.  Yeah, that felt good.

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Babble Travel Log #1: Akumal, Quintana Roo, Yucatan Peninsula, Mexico (April 2015)

Oh man…where do I even start.  After much deliberation, my husband, me, and 4 of our closest friends decided to do a group trip to Mexico.  Hands down, best decision ever.

As this was my first “big” trip, I tried to leave my expectations behind and travel to unknown places with an open mind and an open heart.  I often scare myself, or talk myself, out of new experiences because of my fear.  I am so thankful that I traveled with an open heart.  I am so grateful to have had the travel crew I did.  I am so grateful for the time to reconnect with my husband.  I am so grateful to have been able to hang up all my titles (mom, daughter, advisor, etc) and just be me. I am so grateful to have had this experience and I can’t wait for our next one.

For the story of our trip, read on…

Continue reading Babble Travel Log #1: Akumal, Quintana Roo, Yucatan Peninsula, Mexico (April 2015)

Ohana

I don’t come from a large family or a particularly close family so I’ve always envied large families and ones that are super close. It’s always been something I wish I had but figured I wouldn’t ever really have. I mean most of my family lives half a world away and it’s fragmented at best so I came to accept that I just wouldn’t ever have that big, fun, family that I had always dreamed of. Then I married my husband. He has his own children which gave us an instantly larger family and he has a brother who’s married with children so I thought YES! I will finally have the large, close knit family I had always wanted. So I worked. And worked, and worked, and worked. I worked at being accepted, at being loved by that extended family, at pulling together the family I had always hoped for and for a time, a very short time, I thought we had actually overcome all the differences, all the troubles, all the drama of years past and we were finally a “family”.

Boy was I wrong. I’ve mentioned how wrong I can be, right?

I have come to the realization that it was all just a big delusion on my part. That “close-knit” family I had come to be so proud of was really all in my head. Over the years, we would host big family dinners and celebrate as a family but for the first time, I’m realizing that it was always me to initiate those get togethers. We would constantly extend invites to outings, picnics, backyard BBQ’s, dinners, movies, whatever and there would always be an excuse or a reason that they wouldn’t be able to come. We would share our alcohol, food, work, time, pay for our niece, etc but those favours were never returned. As a matter of fact, all we’ve ever been accused of is not helping enough.

For a short time, I felt like I had a brother close to me but it was just another delusion. I was a time-filler. Someone to go for coffee with and, most times, pay for it. My sister-in-law once said to me, that she was tired of being the one to pursue a relationship with someone. That relationships were two-way streets and it felt like she was always the one working. Funny, I’ve always been the one working on a relationship with her. Clearly I missed the message. I am disposable to both of these people. That became so clear when I finally, for once, told the truth. I knew that there were some shady things happening and I just couldn’t watch the games that were being played around me. I sought counsel of many people about what they would do and the vote was split. Some said tell, others said don’t. I care about the person being hurt. I care about the person doing the hurting. So I decided that if I was asked, I wouldn’t lie. And I didn’t. Holy backlash batman!

The whole situation makes me so sad. I’ve tried to be angry but I’m not. I’m just sad. These realizations are always the hardest. It is hard to realize that you don’t mean much to someone, especially when you’ve held that person, or in this case people, in such high regard.

The great thing about realizing who you mean little to, is you also start to realize who you mean a lot to. I’ve been so focussed on making the family I married into work that I lost sight of the family that I actually built. I have really amazing friends, many of whom I consider family. I was able to realize that I’d really neglected relationships with people who mean the world to me and I’m so thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to start rebuilding them. People who want me around simply because they like who I am and enjoy spending time with me.

At the end of it all, life is just teaching me the true definition of “family”.

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Come as you are…

“Come as you are, as you were,
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy.
Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours, don’t be late.”

Ahh…the lyrics that shapped my early teenaged years. Good ole Nirvana. I can distinctly remember 13 year old me talking about how I could relate to the lyrics because I had grown so much over the years (yes, that was written while rolling my eyes). Boy do I wish I could go back and smack 13 year old me up side the head.

Certain things have been happening in my life that have really made me look at who I am and who’ve I’ve become. I spout off about the stories of who I used to be and the things I used to do but I rarely talk about who I am and I’ve come up with a theory on why. Basically, the person I used to be is familiar and I know what to expect when I behave in those ways but this new, more honest version of me is scary as hell.

The person I used to be smoked weed, got drunk, screwed around, lied, was manipulative, usually had an alterior motive but that is who I used to be. I didn’t really give a shit about anyone but myself. If I spoke up about something, it’s because I stood to gain soemthing. If I wanted to get high, get drunk, and/or have sex I’d just call up whoever would be willing and go to ‘er, the consequences never really mattered.

That’s all changed. I like to pin point my own extra marital affair as the piviotal point of change but I think it’s been happening for a long time before that, maybe I just started paying attention after that last encounter. Recently, I was faced with a decision to lie or tell the truth. Lying would have been so much easier, in the short term anyway. I could have preserved one relationship and stalled the strain on another but in the moment when I had the choice, I chose to tell the truth. I’ve asked myself why so many times in the past while because that’s not what I’d normally do. I’m glad I’ve had the wherewithall to question the why because I’ve been pleasantly surprised by my answers.

First, I’ve had the awesome opportunity to realize and celebrate the fact that my values and moral compass have shifted. I no longer identify with being a “cheater” or “cheap” or “easy” or “a homewrecker”. That’s just not who I am anymore. I’ve made peace with that part of me and it feels fantastic. I find myself getting defensive when someone says “once a cheater, always a cheater” because that’s not true, I am no longer a cheater nor will I ever be again.

I also don’t identify with being a liar. I am not completely innocent when it comes to lying and I can’t say I won’t tell a lie in the future but what I can tell you is that it doesn’t feel good when I do it. I feel the weight of guilt, frustration, worry and general distaste. In that moment of being able to chose, and knowing what the consequences of my choice were, I finally chose what was best for me. For my psyche. I may never repair those relationships and that’s a consequence of the situation but at least I know that I was honest and I’m not hiding anything. I’m not keeping secrets or protecting lies. I am free of that and that freedom is delicious.

Finally, I’ve been taking a good long look at why I’m drinking and why I have started smoking pot again *gasp* and really, the question there is why am I chasing that dragon? Why am I feeling the need to live a life that’s not a sober one and again, I think it’s to get away from facing up to what I already know. Things are different now. Pot is not my deal and when I think about hiding it from my kids and being paranoid that I’m going to get “caught”, it is clear to me that my conscience already knows what my brain has been slow in realizing. It’s just not for me. Drinking makes me sick and I do and say stupid things when I’m drunk. It’s also not for me. I have to be ready to let that go. I have to learn to be comfortable and confident in my sober skin and that’s what I’m going to learn to do. I want a healthy life and not one that is foggy and half-remembered.

Finally, I have been examining the relationships I have in my life and I’ve started to question why I’ve prioritized some unhealhty, one-sided relationships over ones that I felt comfortable in. I have distanced myself from so many of my friends over the last few years and I am ashamed of that. I have a lot of fence mending to do and hopefully those fences are strong enough to be mended. I have been chasing people who couldn’t give a damn if I was in their lives or not, bending over backward, trying to be everything to everyone and I have forgotten that to a handful of people I am enough for them without even having to try.

I am so blessed to have found the person that I love completely. I am so blessed to have healthy, interested, good people as children. I am blessed to have fences that need mending. I am blessed that I realized it before it was too late.

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Are you channeling Katy Perry?

“You’re hot and your cold” “you’re in and you’re out”. These are both phrases that I feel apply to you.

Some days I think we’re friends and then others I think all I do is bother you. You confuse me. When we’re alone together we have the greatest chats. When we’re alone together, we’re the greatest of friends. When we’re alone together, we try to find ways of staying together longer.

Then…I don’t know what happens. You go as cold as ice. I’ll ask you a question, you won’t answer. I’ll try to start a conversation, you won’t respond. I don’t get it.

I wish you would make up your mind. I wish you would decide what it’s going to be. Are you able to be friends with a girl? Are you able to have plutonic relationships? This time ’round, there’s no choice.

Guess the only thing I can do is leave you alone. Simply walk away. Love you at arm’s length and be good with not being close to you. Now or ever.