Tag Archives: growth

12 Weeks to Wellness

As you may have gathered, my overall wellness has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.  That’s mostly because I have very little wellness in my life these days and I really want to change that.  So, I’m changing it.  *nudge nudge* – see?  change?  it’s a theme in my life.

I am very fortunate in that my workplace offers several different wellness programs that are available free of charge to employees.  I simply couldn’t squander an opportunity like that.  So, I signed up for three programs.  The first one is a program called “12 Weeks to Wellness”, the second is one-on-one work with a dietician, the third on is called “Mindful Meditation”.  So far, the Mindful Meditation one is a bust because the counsellor is a flake BUT the other two are awesome.  So 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

This is the first time I’ve really tried any programs like these so I wanted to document my progress and I figured here would be just as good a place as any.  My program will run from Feb 22 – May 16.  It’s fantastic timing because for me, Spring is a time of renewal, rejuvenation and life.

So let’s take stock of where I am today.  I got my blood panel done today, waiting on results for that.  I struggle to find the energy to just manage day-to-day life, my weight and diet need a complete overall.  I feel completely overwhelmed and at odds with myself.  I know that my emotional health, physical health, mental health and spiritual health all need to be worked on and I’m finally, finally taking the steps to do so.

This week’s chapter is called “Creating a Healthy Lifestyle for Weight Loss and Wellness”.  I like to add a bit to that and say “Creating a Healthy Lifestyle and Environment for Weight Loss and Wellness”.  I added the “Environment” because it’s something we tend to overlook.  Our surroundings, the things we hold on to, our habits; all of those things contribute to our day-to-day health.  So, I have taken these steps to make a healthier environment for myself:

  1. I wrote a reminder to myself on my bathroom mirror to remind myself of why I’m embarking on this journey, what I’m committing to and why it’s important.
  2. I deleted a ton of old facebook messages, blog posts, emails, letters, etc that were written to people that are no longer in my life.  I will likely re-write these as part of this wellness plan but I want them to come from a different place in my heart.
  3. I have shared my plan and journey with friends and family around me and that I know will support me.
  4. I have quit smoking (again).  Today is Day 10 with no cigarettes.
  5. I have reached out for help (outlined above).

I have started down the road to healthier living in the past but have never really stuck to it.  I think that’s because I wasn’t truly doing it for me.  I wasn’t ready.  I am ready now.  I am ready to take control of my life, let go of what’s burdening me, and give myself permission to live the best life for me.  I’ll try to blog each week about how it’s going, where I’m at and what I’m facing/ achieving and struggling with.

So…without further ado…let’s do this!

Wellness wooden sign on a beautiful day

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Hypocrites and High Horses

Looks like I’m shaking off the dust of this rusty old blog once again…I’ve teetered on the decision to send a letter or email vs not saying anything and neither seems to sit well with me but what I’ve got to say has got to be said, just so I can let it go.

Dear You,

Once upon a time ago, about ten years ago actually, I met you with great angst. You made it very clear that I wasn’t wanted in this family nor would I be accepted easily by you. One thing you perhaps didn’t count on is that I rise to a challenge. So I set out to be accepted into the family, what I failed to realize were the unintended consequences of doing so. Over the years I have put you on a pedestal, for what reason? I’m not too sure but I did. I looked up to you and allowed myself to think and believe that you know better, live better, are better. I am learning to accept the fool in me. And that’s exactly what I was. A fool.

Over the years you and your husband and made comment after comment after comment about my life, my issues, my family, the way I live, the decisions I made/make, the way I parent, the way I talk to my husband, the relationship between me and my husband, really there has been nothing sacred that you two didn’t offer your “opinions” on or make some comment about. And I allowed it, worse even I believed it. I believed you two knew better. What a fucking crock of shit.

You are one of the worst hypocrites I have ever come across in my life. You talk to and about my husband, your brother-in-law, as though he is a shit human being and like he takes everything from you two. Open your fucking eyes. He asked his brother for help around his house. Big fucking whoop. That shouldn’t be something that is even used or held above someone’s head. One brother should be able to ask another brother for help without score being kept. The same person who you talk down to is also the same person who has rarely missed a child’s basketball game to which your husband didn’t go to. Why? Because he couldn’t “deal” with it or he was sitting at home sending naked pictures of his cock to strange women. Klassy. This “shit human” is also the same man who tore apart a bedroom so YOU could have somewhere to sleep while your husband was out fucking other women and refused to give you some much-needed space. Awesome. And again, same guy who has taken your kid camping, to parades, and has generally been there when your guy flakes out. But you won’t acknowledge that, you don’t give that to him.

You know, there are a long list of things I am finally, finally!, getting pissed off about but the one thing that sickens me to the actual core is how you’ve handled the last situation. Somehow, your husband was out F-U-C-K-I-N-G other women but somehow that’s my fault? Instead of being honest (whoa, what a concept) you are telling my nieces that *I* am to blame. I didn’t, and don’t, have control over where your man sticks his dick. I didn’t, and haven’t, offered undue “opinions or input” into your marriage. *I* wasn’t the cause of the infidelity but you are certainly comfortable placing blame. You know, I was there for your kid for years, especially when you couldn’t be. The Easter you went fishing or whatever with your Dad and your “man” was supposed to do Easter with us? Yeah, he dropped girlie off and we didn’t see him for three days….guess I had control of his junk then too, right? BUT…she still had Easter even though her Mom was away and her Dad was out trolling. You’re welcome. When you had to leave to be with your nephew, guess who still had a birthday party? And guess who did that? Your daughter has fabulous memories of camping, parades, family picnics, Easter dinner, Christmas dinner, and many more and guess who played a MAJOR factor in that? Yeah, that’d be me. I laugh a little now when I hear you’re doing family dinners and cooking Easter supper…all I can do is laugh a little. They say imitation is the best form of flattery…so I’m flattered.
You know, I’ve thought back to that day…you know the one? The one where I actually told you that your husband was sleeping with other woman and had continued to lie to you even after he said he didn’t. Yeah, that one…and I wonder if, knowing what I know now, would I have chosen differently. There is a part of me, a very mean part of me, that wishes I hadn’t told you. That part of me figures I should have just let it run its course and watched when it blew up in your face. I mean, he was pursuing women pretty aggressively and lots of people circling you were talking about it so it was only a matter of time. I kind of wish you hadn’t been given the opportunity to contain it and keep it private and I had the opportunity to watch those fake ass masks you two wear blow off BUT in the end, I am glad I told you. I know how important keeping your private affairs is to you, and I’m glad that you could do that to some extent and I’m glad you know the truth. So, in answer to myself, no I wouldn’t have done anything differently. If you two work things out, great. If not, that’s your story to write. Either way it goes, I’m kind of relieved, albeit saddened, that I’m out of it.

In the end of all of this, you know what irks me off the most? Is the fact that even if I said any of this directly to you, none of it would get through that thick skull of yours. You are incapable of considering my viewpoint and you have an incredible ability to disapprove of something I do, even when you’re doing it yourself. Brava on that talent by the way, it’s called double standards if you’re ever curious to learn more.

Anyway, there is a lot more that I can vent away about but really, what good is it going to do? I hope you learn how to be honest going forward, with yourself, your family, your spouse and everyone in your life. I know I’ve learned how and I’ll keep on being that way.

*dismounts my high horse*

Ciao.

Head Housekeeping

I don’t know how many times I’ve typed a sentence only to lay on the backspace button and forever erase what I’d just written. Heck, I just did it five times. Every time I open this page I expect some rush of wisdom or witty banter to flow from my thoughts to my fingers and finally into the interwebz that will reap hoardes of viewers and build a healthy following of eager listeners. (I have mentioned my completely unrealistic expectations, right?) And every time I open this page and start typing, I get discouraged by the fact that I erase what I start to say a bunch of times before I actually start getting my thoughts out.

What does that say to me? I have ridiculous expectations and my brain is scattered. I need to start doing a little internal spring cleaning. Get my thoughts out. Get the stuff that keeps rolling around and around and around in my head, OUT! I need to finally embark on the next leg of my healing journey and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

As you may, or may not gathered, I am overweight…like way overweight. No, scratch that. I’m fuggin fat. And I’m sick of it so what do I do? I start planning. Plan, plan, plan and then do a little of the do-ing and then get pissed off because my plans are taking too long (I wasn’t joking about those expectations of mine) and then I self-sabotage and then BOOM! Back to square one. Yes, I do this often. Yes, I know what the definition of insane is. This time, I’m going to do things a little differently. See? Told you I know I’m being insane. This time, I’m not going to focus on my weight or my food or my exercise. This time, I’m going to focus on doing a little head housekeeping. I’m going to try and get my thoughts calmed down, my spirits lifted and remember that I am me. I am going to teach myself how to calm my expectations a little bit. I am going to be patient with myself. I am going to learn what works for me and my body. I am going to learn how to deal with my stress and focus on the undercurrents that may be leading to my sabotage. I know how to eat healthy, I know how to track my food and I know how to exercise. Clearly, there is more going on here than just that. I am holding onto this weight either literally or figuratively or both but regardless of what it is, I am going to get to the bottom of it. Starting now.

Goals for this week:

1) Do one meditation
2) Write at least 3 blog posts or journal entries
3) Find one positive thing about each day to celebrate and post on my facebook status (keeps me real, yo)

Good goals, right? I think so!

Nailing it
Nailing it

Eager Easter

Easter is right around the corner and lots of folks are focussed on the Bunny, celebratory dinners and the inevitable chocolate hangover.  Other folks are also focussed on the religious aspect of Easter, the death and resurrection of Jesus. 

Over the years I haven’t put much thought into the whole death and resurrection bit.  I’ve gone to Church, I understand what it all means but I’ve never really thought about it.  I’m talking in a how-does-this-relate-to-me kind of way.  Now I’m starting to think about it.

This time last year, I was still deep in the ditch I had dug for myself, waivering between anger, sadness, embarassment, guilt and a myrid of other emotions.  I was walking the thin line of choice and change.  I expected that change to occur immediately but I was wrong.  So very, very wrong.

The person I was compared to the person I am is like comparing apples to oranges.  There are similarities, for sure. Both are round, both are fruits, both grow on trees, they both have seeds, they come in a variety of types and flavor profiles…really the similarities between apples and oranges are greater than one thinks; however, there are many differences as well.  They’re just not a subtle.

My differences are subtle.  I am blessed with the opportunity to practice these differences and I’m blessed to be able to actually see the change.  That doesn’t mean the same old girl isn’t kicking around in this body, it just means how she’s interacting with the world and the people in it is a little different.  I’m grateful for each new encounter, I’m grateful for each opportunity to be a little more positive, I’m grateful to have the strength to change and I’m grateful for the set backs I’m sure to encounter.  I’m grateful that the people in my life are starting to see and trust in the changes I’ve made and I’m grateful they are all so supportive of who I am. 

I totally get the death and resurrection thing now.  Maybe I just never realized that it’s not always physical.

“…May the past be the sound
Of your feet on the ground
Carry on…”

Happy Easter Everyone. 

 

Hoppy Easter

Getting back to basics

Recent events in my life have really given me cause to stop and consider what and who I really want to be.  I have been working so hard to keep moving forward, never allowing myself to stop and take a really good, close look at myself. Being busy, going fast, flitting from one thing to the next is the best possible form of avoidance I could come up with. 

It’s time to stop all of that.  I feel like I’m standing at a cross roads in my life and I have to chose which path I’d like to follow.  I sauntered down the (albeit semi) straight and narrow path and then promptly pole valuted my ass on over to the “what the @&*% were you thinking” path.  I can tell you, I do not like the “what the @&*% were you thinking” path.  So then I’ve asked myself why.  Why is it that I do not like that path?  Do I only not like it because it came back to burn my ass?  Or did I not like it all along?  Was my shyness and nerves really only hesitation and shame? 

Perhaps if I had taken the time to really look at what I was feeling instead of just slamming some name to it, maybe I could have seen the truth.  The moments where I wanted to say something but didn’t, they held more truth than I care to admit.  The inability to follow the same path sober, should have been a clue.  The fact that I had suspected suspicion all along should have been a giant glaring sign to me that I really needed to stop. 

But oh no.  Not this girl.  Why pay attention to your squeaky little self conscience when your fun self is WAY louder and is having fun? 

I realize now that I am far more comfortable on the straightER and narrowER path.  Not completely straight and narrow, because I know without a doubt, that is not me but I’m not down for travelling the mucky, hard road anymore either.  I want to pride myself on my morals.  I want to be able to trust myself.  I want to be able to depend on myself.  I want to know that, even in the moments where my character will be tested, I will pass each and every test that’s thrown my way with flying colours. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen next.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to mend the broken hearts of other people but I will be able to mend the flaws in my character.  I will be able to mend the parts that are broken in my own soul.  I will be successful on this journey and in the end, come out a better person.

 

Broken girl

How much do people change?  How about yourself?  Have you changed?

I like to believe that I’ve changed.  Grown as a person…become a better person.  I think it’s a crock of shit.

I am no better than I used to be.  I may be more self aware, more willing to voice the things that are flawed within me but at the end of the day I am still the same girl, willing to do the same things…regardless of who it may hurt.

I don’t want to be that girl anymore.   I don’t want to be a broken girl anymore.

At least these latest events have helped me to come to that realization. 

I want to be a better person.  I want to be dedicated and true.  I want to be straightforward and honest.

I am tired of secrets.

It is time to say good-bye to my darker side.  Lay her to rest.  She’s served her purpose and no longer has a role in this life. 

To the one who drove me here…thank you and I’m sorry.