Tag Archives: #lookdeepinyoursoul

Beating Bullies and Safety Nets of Love

Well hello peeps…thanks for putting up with my last, somewhat vulgar, post.  Not my typical blog post but much needed.

I have been harbouring an awful lot of anger in my heart and it really, really needed to come out.  Nothing made me realize that more than this past weekend.  Luckily, I was able to and was supported in doing so.  It was fantastic.

I am one of those “fine” people…you know the ones right?  The conversations typically go something like this:

“How are you?” ~ “Fine.”

“How’s life?” ~ “Fine.”

“Are you ok?” ~ “Yep, I’m fine.”

“Do you need help?” ~ “Nope, I’m fine.”

Except this past weekend I decided had to do something differently (we all know the definition of insanity right?) and I answered those questions with “no”. It scared the daylights out of me to do that because I was worried that not being fine somehow made me less.  Somehow people wouldn’t care.  Somehow I wouldn’t be superwoman.  Man, I was so wrong.  I was immediately surrounded in love, support, understanding, friendship, guidance and acceptance.  Not being ok was totally ok.

It was one of the most liberating and freeing feelings I’ve had in a very long time. For once, it was ok to not know what to do or how to do whatever it was that needed to be done.

The person who was making a point of hurting me this past weekend has been hurting me for a very long time and I’ve had enough of it. It’s not that I can’t take it anymore – I don’t want to. I don’t want to and I don’t have to. The toxicity that comes from that individual is black and thick and infectious.  So, I simply put my heart in other people’s hands and asked them to hold it safely while it was hurting so badly.  And they did.

The outpouring of support, understanding and love was, and still is, incredible. It was a moment in my life that I know I will look back on often and draw strength from it. I know that taking that small risk made a very large, impactful difference in my life because I know it’s ok to not always be ok. I know that there is a safety net there to catch me when I fall and I know it’s made of the strongest substance on earth.  Love.

circle-of-love

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Babble Brain: Journey to the Centre of the Universe…and my Heart

Over the last year or two, I have been intentionally trying to be a better, more understanding, more level-headed, more honest, more compassionate and overall better person. I haven’t always been great at doing that but I have certainly been doing better.

I made the decision to live my life differently because I felt gross about myself. In my heart of hearts I didn’t feel like I was being fair to my own self and that’s because I wasn’t. I was lying, cheating, laughing at consequences and it made me feel sick. It validated every bad thing people had called me over the years and I hated that. I hated feeling like my name and my character was no better than dirt. So I decided to start paying attention to the Universe around me and the heart in me. Trying to align the two. To my surprise, the lessons that I had balked at learning over the years were still lingering about, waiting to be learned. I chose to start learning them. I am so grateful to have made the right choice.

heart

There have been a few moments over the last little while where I was faced with the very change I’m talking about. I could choose the way I reacted/ responded to a situation and in those moments, I chose to react and behave very differently than I would have in the past. I am proud of those moments. Change takes an effort. Change takes patience. Change isn’t instant. Change is rewarding. Change makes it easier to sleep at night. The right changes bring you peace.

Change is a challenge because with change brings even MORE change. It’s never-ending. When you decide to make one small change in yourself, your heart, your life it ends up bringing about a few more small changes and then some more changes after that and then some more even after that until you end up almost not even

I had real fears about losing myself. Losing my edge, losing my funk, losing the very essence of me but what I’ve come to realize is that I haven’t actually been myself for a very, very long time. The good news?  I am slowly getting myself, my true self, back and it feels soooooo good! I am able to own my feelings, I am able to own my faults and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe. I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything. I am finally freeing myself of binds I tied a long time ago.

Through the first stages of my journey, I will admit I’ve lost a few people I considered loved ones along the way. At first that made me really angry, and truth be told, that anger is still there. It’s just not as intense as it was. I have had the opportunity to pause and examine those lost relationships and really identify if they are healthy and positive relationships or if they are unhealthy, one-sided relationships. And just as you would suspect they were unhealthy, one-sided relationships. As hard as it is to let people go, I’m learning that letting go is ok because a balance will be found. Just as I lost some relationships, I also rekindled and gained some. Luckily, having opened myself to the lessons of the Universe, I can approach these friendships and sisterhoods with my heart boundaries in place. And that is more freeing than I could imagine.

This first leg of my journey has taken quite some time to get rolling but it’s in full swing and I’m loving it. I can feel my soul starting to ache for the next step. Maybe its building lost esteem, maybe its learning to love myself again, I have no idea. I do know that I am excited to see what it brings.

emerge

The Bitch about Blogging

I started my very first journal when I was young, perhaps around 10 or so, and I’ve been going at it ever since. My first diary was filled with, quite literally, random babble. A young girl trying to figure out how to put her emotions and thoughts to words. Over the years, instead of being a day to day thing, my diaries became more of a vent-space. Spaces were earned by friends who were pissing me off, boyfriends who jilted me, my parents and their never-ending banter and just life in general. It was my very own burn book.

burnbook

As the years progressed, people whom I trusted would read those thoughts even when uninvited. My mother and my (now ex) boyfriend were the worst offenders. So I learned that I couldn’t really be honest in those spaces because my words would inevitably be thrown in my face. Over the years, I just stopped writing in paper books and would create electronic documents that I could password protect and ensure my privacy. That worked wonders.

Moving along…enter the age of blogging…

When I first heard of “blogging”, I could not figure out what that meant. To be honest, it sounded like a disease I was not interested in catching. Then I started poking around on the interwebz and came across some very funny folks who I still read to this day (check the blog roll, yo). Blogging was a perfect way for me to get out my thoughts and rants and musings in a semi-anonomous way. So up went my site. Even though I write about some very personal things, I know that this space IS open to the great wide world. Even though anyone and their dog can read this, I decided to share my space with a few family and friends and I even posted it on my facecrackbook profile. I wanted to share my words, my lessons, my wisdom and my humour with those people who care about me and care about what I have to say. Over the years, I’ve gotten a few followers (can I get a WHOOP WHOOP) and they’ve even commented (which I find profoundly awesome because I don’t know most of them in “real” life).

Now, if you’ve read my past posts, you know that I have a special, smirky hate hard-on for computer trolls. They usually @#&$ up my New Years resolutions by dealing me a hand of #lookdeepinyoursoul cards when I’m simply looking for the #i’mboredatworkandwanttolaugh deck. It turns out that these critters, the ones living amongst the circuit boards, eating RAM and making programs glitch out, their trollish tittering disguised as fans whirling and whizzing to life, are actually closely related to the infamous internet trolls. troll

Ugly little things, right? Unlike the devious computer trolls, who like to play on people’s frustrations and crash software programs JUST as you’re moving towards the save button, internet trolls are actually real people. I know, shocked right? These trolls are disguised as humans. Instead of playing on pure frustration for technology, these tricky trolls play more with emotions, invoking sadness, anger, hate and inspiring arguments around a vast and rather unpoliced space. The internet trolls like to leave nasty comments and start long-winded arguments on other peoples’ spaces in the interwebz and then sit back and watch the fire storm that usually follows.

I, personally, have been found by one local internet troll (thank you IP address tracker). Basically this can only, really mean one thing…I am now a real blogger!! *big grin* For those of you out there who can’t shrug off that kind of verbal diarrhera, I am sorry that you have to deal with trolls. I hear they like to eat goats. realdeal

If you are curious about my stats (if you are, you are one step ahead of me…it wasn’t until I read another blog that I realized I even had a “Year in Review”), I have posted them for you to ohhhh and ahhhh over. ‘Til next time folks!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,500 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.