Tag Archives: marriage

Hypocrites and High Horses

Looks like I’m shaking off the dust of this rusty old blog once again…I’ve teetered on the decision to send a letter or email vs not saying anything and neither seems to sit well with me but what I’ve got to say has got to be said, just so I can let it go.

Dear You,

Once upon a time ago, about ten years ago actually, I met you with great angst. You made it very clear that I wasn’t wanted in this family nor would I be accepted easily by you. One thing you perhaps didn’t count on is that I rise to a challenge. So I set out to be accepted into the family, what I failed to realize were the unintended consequences of doing so. Over the years I have put you on a pedestal, for what reason? I’m not too sure but I did. I looked up to you and allowed myself to think and believe that you know better, live better, are better. I am learning to accept the fool in me. And that’s exactly what I was. A fool.

Over the years you and your husband and made comment after comment after comment about my life, my issues, my family, the way I live, the decisions I made/make, the way I parent, the way I talk to my husband, the relationship between me and my husband, really there has been nothing sacred that you two didn’t offer your “opinions” on or make some comment about. And I allowed it, worse even I believed it. I believed you two knew better. What a fucking crock of shit.

You are one of the worst hypocrites I have ever come across in my life. You talk to and about my husband, your brother-in-law, as though he is a shit human being and like he takes everything from you two. Open your fucking eyes. He asked his brother for help around his house. Big fucking whoop. That shouldn’t be something that is even used or held above someone’s head. One brother should be able to ask another brother for help without score being kept. The same person who you talk down to is also the same person who has rarely missed a child’s basketball game to which your husband didn’t go to. Why? Because he couldn’t “deal” with it or he was sitting at home sending naked pictures of his cock to strange women. Klassy. This “shit human” is also the same man who tore apart a bedroom so YOU could have somewhere to sleep while your husband was out fucking other women and refused to give you some much-needed space. Awesome. And again, same guy who has taken your kid camping, to parades, and has generally been there when your guy flakes out. But you won’t acknowledge that, you don’t give that to him.

You know, there are a long list of things I am finally, finally!, getting pissed off about but the one thing that sickens me to the actual core is how you’ve handled the last situation. Somehow, your husband was out F-U-C-K-I-N-G other women but somehow that’s my fault? Instead of being honest (whoa, what a concept) you are telling my nieces that *I* am to blame. I didn’t, and don’t, have control over where your man sticks his dick. I didn’t, and haven’t, offered undue “opinions or input” into your marriage. *I* wasn’t the cause of the infidelity but you are certainly comfortable placing blame. You know, I was there for your kid for years, especially when you couldn’t be. The Easter you went fishing or whatever with your Dad and your “man” was supposed to do Easter with us? Yeah, he dropped girlie off and we didn’t see him for three days….guess I had control of his junk then too, right? BUT…she still had Easter even though her Mom was away and her Dad was out trolling. You’re welcome. When you had to leave to be with your nephew, guess who still had a birthday party? And guess who did that? Your daughter has fabulous memories of camping, parades, family picnics, Easter dinner, Christmas dinner, and many more and guess who played a MAJOR factor in that? Yeah, that’d be me. I laugh a little now when I hear you’re doing family dinners and cooking Easter supper…all I can do is laugh a little. They say imitation is the best form of flattery…so I’m flattered.
You know, I’ve thought back to that day…you know the one? The one where I actually told you that your husband was sleeping with other woman and had continued to lie to you even after he said he didn’t. Yeah, that one…and I wonder if, knowing what I know now, would I have chosen differently. There is a part of me, a very mean part of me, that wishes I hadn’t told you. That part of me figures I should have just let it run its course and watched when it blew up in your face. I mean, he was pursuing women pretty aggressively and lots of people circling you were talking about it so it was only a matter of time. I kind of wish you hadn’t been given the opportunity to contain it and keep it private and I had the opportunity to watch those fake ass masks you two wear blow off BUT in the end, I am glad I told you. I know how important keeping your private affairs is to you, and I’m glad that you could do that to some extent and I’m glad you know the truth. So, in answer to myself, no I wouldn’t have done anything differently. If you two work things out, great. If not, that’s your story to write. Either way it goes, I’m kind of relieved, albeit saddened, that I’m out of it.

In the end of all of this, you know what irks me off the most? Is the fact that even if I said any of this directly to you, none of it would get through that thick skull of yours. You are incapable of considering my viewpoint and you have an incredible ability to disapprove of something I do, even when you’re doing it yourself. Brava on that talent by the way, it’s called double standards if you’re ever curious to learn more.

Anyway, there is a lot more that I can vent away about but really, what good is it going to do? I hope you learn how to be honest going forward, with yourself, your family, your spouse and everyone in your life. I know I’ve learned how and I’ll keep on being that way.

*dismounts my high horse*

Ciao.

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My Promise

Dear You,

I am hurt and I am angry.  We agreed to take on life together, we promised to support, love and cherish one another.  What happened?  What went wrong?  We fight against one another now.  There is no respect, there is no trust, there is no communication, there is no love.  There are only empty words and broken promises.

I am sorry for the hurt that I have caused you over the years.  I acknowledge that I am difficult to live with, to be with and to deal with on a regular basis.  I am loud, I am hot-tempered, I am a spirited individual.  I like being right, I like things my way and I’m bossy.  I realize that I can be a know-it-all, paranoid and that I tow a line of issues so heavy that it could likely sink a war ship.  I know that trying to decipher my emotions is like trying to read an alien language while being blind, my insecurities are enormous and that my personality is inconsistent at best.  I know that I need to be wanted by men like a starving man needs food and I know that hurts you.  I know it has changed how you feel about me.   

It has taken me a very long time to learn, understand and acknowledge all of my faults.  The “bad” parts of me.  I have worked so very hard to change a lot of that.  I have tried to quietly analyze my issues, understand the root of them and learn new ways of being so that I could be the absolute best person I can be. 

I tried communicating what I need from you for quite some time now and I have finally realized you simply aren’t going to hear me.  I, the real person I am, doesn’t matter to you.  What matters is that you are able to live your life the way you want, being able to present an image to the world of success, being comfortable, being a part of something and not having to be accountable or responsible for any of it.  I resent that.  I resent that you put yourself, your friends, your electronics, anything ahead of what is best for us.  I am fundamentally tired of hearing how much you love me, how often you put me first, how often I am thought of when in reality, I am not.  In reality, I have learned how to smile over the tears, I have bared the brunt of criticisms, I have learned to be dismissed and I have let my wants, needs, hopes and dreams be in second, third, fourth, last place.  Hearing the words “I promise”, “I’m sorry”, “I’ll try” and “tomorrow” makes me sick to my stomach.  I have lost all faith that things will ever change because tomorrow never comes.

I have tried to take an active interest in your life.  I’ve tried to learn to love the things you love so that we can enjoy those things together.  I have tried to talk to you about your hopes and dreams.  I have tried to learn what your needs are, what your boundaries are, what you, the person you really are, need from me.  It is like trying to glean water from a stone and it makes me tired.  I am a stubborn person, I don’t give in easily and I certainly don’t give up…

… but I call mercy.  You win.  I give.

I have nothing left but one thing…one final promise.  I promise to keep going.

I promise to focus on me and the person I am growing into.  She is a lovely creature, a calm creature…she truly is a beautiful creature.  I am strong, I have endured so many things and I will overcome this too.  I have turned my inner critic into my loudest cheerleader and with that I have discovered an inner strength that is palpable and unbreakable.  

I will continue to smile but there will be no more tears for I am done crying over what I can’t change.  I will consider critisims but I won’t take them to heart.  I am achieving a level of personal growth that only comes with desire and determination.  I will not be dismissed.  I have valid feelings, thoughts and opinions and I will be considered.  I will not place my needs, wants, hopes or dreams on the back burner.  I only get one shot at this life and come hell or high water, I am going to make the most of it.  Finally, I promise to continue to support you.  If you ever decide to embark on a journey of personal growth, I will be one of your cheerleaders.  I will celebrate your success, help you through your dark times and I will encourage you along the way – I know how difficult these things can be on your own.

I have loved you for so long, I refuse to give that up.  The love I have for you has given me the strength, the want and the desire to be a better person.  I will be eternally grateful for that.

8 years and counting

Eight years ago, I signed on the dotted line and married my best friend.  It wasn’t a lavish ceremony, actually it was quite the opposite.  He was more dressed up than I was and I don’t think either of us really knew what we were in for.  All we knew is that we loved each other, wanted to spend our lives together and come hell or highwater, we were doing it.

There were many, and I repeat MANY, people against our Union.  Our Mother’s weren’t there, all of our friends weren’t there, our kids weren’t there.  It was quick, it was funny and no one thought it would last.  As a matter of fact, some people placed bets on how many years it would take until we were divorced…hey, never said our friends were classy.

To the surprise of many, and even to ourselves, we are not divorced.  We will not be getting divorced and we are more in love today than we were so many years ago.  We have seen so many trials and tests.  We have been pushed almost to our breaking point but in those moments, the ones that really count…neither of us could walk away from the other.

There have been many great stories of love written over the years and for some reason, that is the standard in which we try to live up to.  But those stories are just that.  Stories.  They aren’t real.  They skim the surface of what real love is.  I am one of the blessed few who has real love.  It’s not always pretty, it’s not always easy but it’s always worth it.

I love you dear Husband.  I love you so very much.

Happy Anniversary.

Thanksgiving

Every year we give Thanks usually around a big dinner table, surrounding by those we love.  It’s an appropriate time to give thanks.  There is a lot to be thankful for.

This year, I want to give Thanks now.  And every day it seems that I am becoming ever grateful for my life and those around me.  For a couple of weeks, I had an intense bout of jealousy.  I was jealous for what other people do.  What other people have.  The lives they lead.  The bodies they’re in.  It was ridiculous and necessary all at the same time. 

Why was my jealousy ridiculous?  Because I have a fabulous life.  My husband is one of the most loving, adoring men I have ever met.  He is so patient with me and puts up with so much of my crap sometimes I’m amazed he doesn’t up and leave.  I am truly blessed to have him as my partner and my lover and my life.  I have beautiful, amazing children.  These kids are good kids.  And that’s not just my bias as a Mom coming out either.  People who spend time around my kids will tell you the same thing.  They are well mannered, polite, interesting, cool people.  I have friends who care.  People who care about me and are there to celebrate, cry and rejoice with me.  I have a job.  Maybe not the ideal one but it’s a job.  It affords me the ability to pay my mortgage, put food on the table and survive in this world.  I have health.  I am not full of cancer, I can breathe, my skin isn’t fighting against me.  I am healthy.  I have a lot to be grateful for and thankful for in my life.  These are all reasons why my jealousy was ridiculous.

Why was it necessary?  Because it made me realize how much I have to be grateful for.  If I cry, I have someone who pulls me close and kisses my forehead.  If I’m afraid, I have someone who holds my hand and tells me it’ll be ok.  I am able to hug and kiss both of my children every day and every night.  I can’t count on both of my hands the number of people I could invite to a party or call up on the phone and all of those people would genuinely be happy to hear from me.  I would say I live a priviledged life.

So what if I’m not living on the coast of Greece.  So what if I can’t buy every new toy.  So what if I’m not thin.  When I’m snuggled up with my family watching yet another animated movie, or when I see my daughter so proud because she just treated her parents to dinner, when I got to experience the excitement of my family when we saw the sold sign on our house…there is nothing in this world that would make me happier.  In the end, I’m thankful that I was able to realize how much joy, richness and fulfillment I have in my life.  I’m thankful for having so much to be thankful for.