Tag Archives: matters of the heart

The Screen

The screen before me taunts me.  The glaring white space and the little blinking line are simply reminders that I have lost touch with how and where to begin.  The words once flowed out of me like a silken string being spun from nothing but now they get bogged down.  Too many words, too many thoughts all trying to race for first place.  To make that white space disappear and be filled with prose and moments of wisdom.

The screen before me taunts me.  The screen before me is a place where I can settle the internal storm that rages within. It is a place where I can relieve some of the pressure building within my soul.  It is a place where I can open the flood gates and navigate my way through the torrents of torment that I carry in my heart.

The screen before me taunts me.  It offers sweet release that stays just at my finger tips.  It offers promises of a calmer day, a calmer moment, a quieter peace.

The screen taunts me because it knows I’m lost.

Dreamscapes and Landslides

I have been told that I am a vivid dreamer and I agree.  My dreamscapades are radical, entertaining, realistic and memorable.  It isn’t often that I dream and then don’t remember.  My dreams fascinate me.  They give me something to think about, to analyze, to delve into; however, when I wake, I go about my life in a doldrum fashion. I give very little thought or analysis to the “why’s” in my life.  I hardly glance at the needs, wants and desires of my soul.  The urge to spread my wings, expand my mind, expand my bubble – ultimately expand my life.

Lately I have been trying to rationalize the vast difference in my dream world vs my waking world.  I’ve been thinking why am I enjoying my dreamscapes so much but completely, and utterly, ignoring my wakescape (yea, I made that up).  Why is it that I’m not building a world of wonder while I’m awake?  Why am I holding myself back while I’m awake but letting it rip while I’m asleep.  I mean really, I spend about the same amount of time in each place.

In my dreams, I don’t let people walk on my heart, I don’t justify hurt, I prioritize myself, I literally live “dream big” …so why am I not giving myself that same respect during my waking hours?  No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t put it together.

I look around the world and every now and again I am touched by a soul who is amazing, brilliant, and so full of life and light that it’s palpable.  And I want that…no, I crave that.  And I know it’s there for the taking…I just need to reach out and take it.  I suspect that fulfilment, enrichment, a nourished soul is not so much found in a bucket of kale or a gallon of water but rather it’s learning the talent of making your life “right”.  Those moments that make your heart and/or soul hurt take something from you, they take away a bit of rightness until the moment comes where every waking hour no longer feels “right”. 

I want my life to feel right.  I want to bounce out of bed and greet each day with enthusiasm and joy.  I want the people in my life to support me, love me, value me.  I want to talk with people who talk back, who engage in conversation and have an honest interest in what I have to say.  I want people in my life who can recognize that I’m practicing being vulnerable, that I’m not perfect, that I need tenderness and support.  I want people in my life who see me as more than something to posess.  I’m not just a body to use, I’m not a soul that can be claimed.  I want people in my life that inspire me to share who I am, that care about me just as much as I care about them and that aren’t afraid to show it.  I deserve that.  I want to make my dreams my waking life too.