As I pass him on the street, I breath a sigh of relief. He didn’t recognize me.
I find myself doing that more and more. I am not innocent. I’ve done some pretty risky things. I’ve lived a pretty risky life. Perhaps not as risky as some but definitely more risky than others. Do I fear judgement because of it? Yes. Do I fear that people’s opinions of me will be altered? Yes.
Lately I have surprised myself on the wisdom that I’ve shared. Then I stop to think about it. I guess some of my wisdom is hard-earned.
My “before” life was fun. It was exhillerating. A new place, a new guy, a new drug, a new game every weekend. There are times when I think that couldn’t have possibly been me. Not me, the careful planner. The one who would bubble wrap everyone she cares about in the world. The one who knows, or rather wants to know, what’s around every corner. That girl could not be the same person who sits here writing this today.
Well of course it’s not. Well, of course it’s not – sort of.
The girl who sits here writing this and the girl who has a whirlwind of crazy, hazy memories are the same phyiscal person (give or take 100lbs) but in maturity and responsibility, we couldn’t be further apart.
The crazy, hazy girl had no problem sampling the fruits from the forbidden tree and while they were often the prettiest, funnest coloured ones – they were also the ones that came with huge consequences. The girl now will gladly stick to apples and bananas. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I flirt with the idea of my hazy days. There are times when I want to go back there. Be irresponsible, be crazy, do things I know I shouldn’t. Get me drunk and you’ll catch a glimpse of my former days/self. The difference now (thank God) is that the voice in my head that tells me that I’m about to cross the line has aquired a bull horn over the years and isn’t afraid to use it. Have I danced on the line? Sure. Have I even peeped a toe over? Yup. Have I taken a pole and vaulted my ass right over? Heck no.
The girl that sits before you has gained way too much weight. She’s got some salt in her otherwise peppered hair. She spews words of wisdom to those she cares about and those who wants to listen. She plans and plans and plans somemore. It’s her way of controlling her life. It’s her way of keeping herself in check and making sure that line is a safe distance off on the horizon. It’s her new comfort zone.
I am learning how to be ok with stability. I am learning how to be ok with routine. I’m learning how to not crave the craziness. It’s not an easy thing to do but I’m learning.