Tag Archives: resolution

Head Housekeeping

I don’t know how many times I’ve typed a sentence only to lay on the backspace button and forever erase what I’d just written. Heck, I just did it five times. Every time I open this page I expect some rush of wisdom or witty banter to flow from my thoughts to my fingers and finally into the interwebz that will reap hoardes of viewers and build a healthy following of eager listeners. (I have mentioned my completely unrealistic expectations, right?) And every time I open this page and start typing, I get discouraged by the fact that I erase what I start to say a bunch of times before I actually start getting my thoughts out.

What does that say to me? I have ridiculous expectations and my brain is scattered. I need to start doing a little internal spring cleaning. Get my thoughts out. Get the stuff that keeps rolling around and around and around in my head, OUT! I need to finally embark on the next leg of my healing journey and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

As you may, or may not gathered, I am overweight…like way overweight. No, scratch that. I’m fuggin fat. And I’m sick of it so what do I do? I start planning. Plan, plan, plan and then do a little of the do-ing and then get pissed off because my plans are taking too long (I wasn’t joking about those expectations of mine) and then I self-sabotage and then BOOM! Back to square one. Yes, I do this often. Yes, I know what the definition of insane is. This time, I’m going to do things a little differently. See? Told you I know I’m being insane. This time, I’m not going to focus on my weight or my food or my exercise. This time, I’m going to focus on doing a little head housekeeping. I’m going to try and get my thoughts calmed down, my spirits lifted and remember that I am me. I am going to teach myself how to calm my expectations a little bit. I am going to be patient with myself. I am going to learn what works for me and my body. I am going to learn how to deal with my stress and focus on the undercurrents that may be leading to my sabotage. I know how to eat healthy, I know how to track my food and I know how to exercise. Clearly, there is more going on here than just that. I am holding onto this weight either literally or figuratively or both but regardless of what it is, I am going to get to the bottom of it. Starting now.

Goals for this week:

1) Do one meditation
2) Write at least 3 blog posts or journal entries
3) Find one positive thing about each day to celebrate and post on my facebook status (keeps me real, yo)

Good goals, right? I think so!

Nailing it
Nailing it

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Rocking Resolutions and a Year in Review

Well folks, I know you’ve all been waiting on baited breath waiting for my traditional “year in review” post. 

Wait…what?  You haven’t been waiting at all?  Pffffttt.  Well, too bad.  I’m writing it anyway.

I’ve been mulling this post over in my head for a while and have even started it a couple of times but couldn’t really decide the direction I wanted to go in.  So I decided to revist my last year’s post to see what I had to say waaaay back then and in doing so, I was reminded of those nasty trolls.  Damn it!  Why did I have to re-read that post.  So, because I usually have to do the same things over and over many times in order to learn my lesson, I decided to revisit that ridiculous website that basically rolls the dice for your resolution (go ahead – I dare you:http://www.moninavelarde.com/newyears/) .  Really, I need to start learning my lessons the first time through.  So, with the same snarky grin on my face, I press the “gimme more” button…

First “roll”: Follow through.

I. Kid. You. Not. Already I know I shouldn’t have hit that button, already I know that this is not going to be the funny, I-pulled-one-over-on-the-universe trick I thought it was going to be.  Shit.  Follow through huh…ok.  I totally get that.  I’m terrible for making plans and then breaking them.  Volunteering for something and just bailing at the last moment.  It also swings into my parenting techniques.  I am the mother of a thousand chances and zero follow-through.  That technique has failed me once, I’ll be damned before I let it affect how the other two turn out.  Follow through…<mumble mumble grumble>…fine.  I’ll work on it.  BUT that’s not a resolution.

Second “roll” (yes, I am really stubborn to a fault): Let go

<insert extreme profanity here>…ok trolls.  I know you’re capable of funny.  I know that you’re capable of humour.  This is supposed to be a funny website.  You, website, are failing.  Epicly.   Let go.  Ok, I get it.  I really, really need to learn this.  I even know I need to learn this.  I even said it to my darling husband just the other day.  “Q1 for counsellor: How do I let things go” – or something along those lines.  Really, it’s my Achilles heel.  I obsess and mull things over for WAY too long, I let it stress me out, I get all tense over it.  Letting go.  Novel thought.  Good skill, guess I’ll have to practice that.  I still don’t think those trolls are funny.

Finally, thinking to myself that this stupid website has made it’s point, I click the button one more time…: Start a piggie bank.

I have never glared at a computer screen so hard in my ENTIRE life.  Alright, alright.  I call mercy.  I get it.  The universe is not just trying to send me a message but she’s slapping me straight upside the head with it. 

In all seriousness though, for the first time, I feel that I actually did make personal progress in 2012.  I can feel it in my own self.  It’s not so much how I do things or even what I’m doing.  It’s a great culmnation of things that are coming together.  I find myself calmer in some ways and more intense in others, except now it’s in the right ways.  I am slowly working to quiet that hateful little voice in my head and even in the hardest moments, when I want to just let ‘er rip, I tell her to sit down and STFU.  She has no place in my life now.  I feel like I am taking the time to really look at myself and those around me, analyse their words, watch their actions and really try to understand them.  I finally, for the first time in my life, am taking a stand with the people in my life.  I have never been good at drawing boundaries.  Lie to me, hit me, disrespect me, use me, make fun of me – I was always more worried about having people in my life vs having quality relationships.  I’m not doing that anymore.  I deserve better than that because I am better than that.  For the first time in my life, I believe I am a good person and deserve better than that.

What will 2013 bring?  Who knows.  We weren’t supposed to get this far.  For me though, it will be much of the same.  Though I have no trophies to display or plaques to hand around, I am proud of my accomplishments over this past year.  I am fighting some of the toughest battles anyone can fight. I am over coming years of mental conditioning that I am not good enough, not important enough, only loved if I’m a certain way.  I am slowly overcoming serious depression without medication (hence shutting up that wicked bitch in the back of my mind).  I am battling anxiety, a highly misunderstood, nearly invisible thing, without medication.  And I’m fighting those battles for me – also a first.

So I guess, even though I always claim to not make resolutions, I do in a way.  They just aren’t based on a year.  I am resolved to live the happiest life I can. 

Happy New Year to you all.  I hope 2013 is everything you hope it will be

Ok, ok, ok…you all know I didn’t stop at three clicks right?  Here are the rest:

Be a leader

Strike up a convo with a stranger

Be true to myself and others

Sing in the shower (FINALLY!)

Join a choir (what’s with the singing?  I am NOT a good singer)

Be happy

and finally…carpool.  Very funny trolls.  Very funny.

Resolutions and Evil Trolls

I have always been a fabulous resolution maker and a terrible resolution sticker-to’er.  This hasn’t changed and it never will so I gave up trying to perfect New Year’s resolutions.  Why?  Mostly because it’s an exercise in setting yourself up for failure and  I really, really hate failing. 

Now you know how I feel about resolutions so imagine my chuckles when I came across a site that’s called “2012 New Year’s Resolution Generator”…hell yeah!  I’m all over that…it’s the epitome of what is wrong with New Year’s resolutions.  Some random online generator that has no knowledge of where you are in your life, what needs to be changed or what your personal goals are.  So, laughing to myself, I clicked the link and waited on (barely) baited breath to see what my first resolution for 2012 would be…

Ready for it?

Be spiritual

W.T.F. – how can some random generator know I actually need to rediscover and embrace spirituality in my life.  And how can it be that, that particular item pops up first?  *sigh*  So I wipe that off as coincidence.  Fine.  I’ll play along.  Again…click on the link, chuckling to myself thinking that the inter-ether isn’t going to get the best of me!

Second times a charm, right?

Wrong.

Meditate

W.T.F. – again, is this machine tracking my thoughts or something?  Meditation is a definite must for me.  I need to get in touch with who I am, what I am and who I intend on being.  Meditation is an excellent outlet for this particular goal.

Ok…now I’m relying on the three strikes rule…click again, teeth gritted and waiting for some snarky “play less on the internet” resolution…

Not dwell on the past

*raises middle finger to computer monitor*

I’m pretty sure there are evil trolls in the computer that have mind-reading capabilities. 

Despite those irritating little trolls, these three resolutions are so incredibly true for me.  I am at a cross-road in my life and I’m struggling with the path that lies ahead of me mostly because I haven’t really dealt with the path that lies behind me.  Imagine trying to lug tonnes of baggage through mucky sand…yeah, that’s where I’m at.  So I’ve decided that I need to leave the baggage at this cross-road.  It means that my stop here is going to be a little longer than I had intended but in the end it’s time worth spending. 

Through attempting to offload some of this baggage, I’ve been dealing with some pretty ugly, brutal memories.  It’s stuff like this that brings up some very hard questions, very hard emotions and at times, a terrible aloneness.  BUT…it also provides me an opportunity for some closure.  An opportunity to move past the ugliness and move into a better space.  And each time I take that opportunity, I lighten my load just a little bit more.  And THAT is a very good thing.

And for any of you that are wondering if those pesky little trolls ever found a sense of humour, here are the 10 resolutions that ridiculous program came up for me (yes, I went all the way to 10)

1) Be spiritual

2) Meditate

3) Not dwell on the past

4) Participate

5) Find the time

6) Try harder

7) Be curious (ok, maybe this one is their idea of a joke…curiousity is simply a part of my nature and more often than not gets me into a LOAD of trouble)

8) Be me

9) Listen

10) Appreciate the simple things

11) Be fearless

…ok, I know that’s 11 but I just needed to see if I was going to get a funny one.  For what it’s worth, my co-worker got 1) solve the rubik’s cube 2) learn to say hello in 5 languages and 3) Re-read a book from high school…apparently the trolls like her much better.

For those of you who’d like to giv’er a shot, here’s the website: http://www.moninavelarde.com/newyears/

For those pesky trolls…next year, I’ll make sure you’ve got nuthin’…oh wait, crap…was that a resolution?

2011 Recap

Around about this time of year I do a ‘year in review’ post so I suppose I should keep up on the tradition.

This year has been one of the most stressful, exhilarating and enlightening of my life. I have learned more about myself than I ever had hoped to and most of those lessons were hard ones to learn.

So a recap? We bought our first house, we dealt with infidelity, new jobs and relationship woes.

The major lesson learned in 2011 is that the person I thought I was is, in fact, not the person I am..

I have already chosen my man, actually some may say we are star crossed lovers, but this boy makes my world sane. I check the clock to see if he’s going to call or text, I think of stupid questions to ask him just to keep him on the phone for one more second, he is the man who has devoted his life to me for longer than I could possibly hope for. He’s been with me for almost 8 years now. And I have a hard time accepting that.

I have learned, this year, that I am far more vulnerable than I think I am. And I’m learning that it’s ok to be vulnerable. I’m realizing that tender and weak do not define me bit rather define moments in my life where I need more support than I might normally. I guess in a sense I’ve come to realize that I’m human and that’s ok too.

Overall, this year I’ve learned how to be honest. Sadly, it took 31 years to realize it but I now know what honesty looks like. It’s ugly and hard and unpleasant BUT do very liberating at the same time.

In past years I’ve promised to blog my journeys, promised to measure my growth through some ridiculous self-satisfactory blog-post limit but this year is going to be different.

My resolution for this year is to be honest and to continue on this path of growth and self-realization. It’s not an easy path but it’s a rewarding one.

So, happy 2012 folks. This may be the end of our days as we know them. Maybe they won’t be. Either way, I am going to approach 2012 as the best iteration of myself that I know how to be.

To all those that have helped me along this journey, thank you. Thank you for helping me walk down my life path, thank you for helping me to morph into the best version of me that I can be. Salut!