Tag Archives: spirituality

Come as you are…

“Come as you are, as you were,
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy.
Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours, don’t be late.”

Ahh…the lyrics that shapped my early teenaged years. Good ole Nirvana. I can distinctly remember 13 year old me talking about how I could relate to the lyrics because I had grown so much over the years (yes, that was written while rolling my eyes). Boy do I wish I could go back and smack 13 year old me up side the head.

Certain things have been happening in my life that have really made me look at who I am and who’ve I’ve become. I spout off about the stories of who I used to be and the things I used to do but I rarely talk about who I am and I’ve come up with a theory on why. Basically, the person I used to be is familiar and I know what to expect when I behave in those ways but this new, more honest version of me is scary as hell.

The person I used to be smoked weed, got drunk, screwed around, lied, was manipulative, usually had an alterior motive but that is who I used to be. I didn’t really give a shit about anyone but myself. If I spoke up about something, it’s because I stood to gain soemthing. If I wanted to get high, get drunk, and/or have sex I’d just call up whoever would be willing and go to ‘er, the consequences never really mattered.

That’s all changed. I like to pin point my own extra marital affair as the piviotal point of change but I think it’s been happening for a long time before that, maybe I just started paying attention after that last encounter. Recently, I was faced with a decision to lie or tell the truth. Lying would have been so much easier, in the short term anyway. I could have preserved one relationship and stalled the strain on another but in the moment when I had the choice, I chose to tell the truth. I’ve asked myself why so many times in the past while because that’s not what I’d normally do. I’m glad I’ve had the wherewithall to question the why because I’ve been pleasantly surprised by my answers.

First, I’ve had the awesome opportunity to realize and celebrate the fact that my values and moral compass have shifted. I no longer identify with being a “cheater” or “cheap” or “easy” or “a homewrecker”. That’s just not who I am anymore. I’ve made peace with that part of me and it feels fantastic. I find myself getting defensive when someone says “once a cheater, always a cheater” because that’s not true, I am no longer a cheater nor will I ever be again.

I also don’t identify with being a liar. I am not completely innocent when it comes to lying and I can’t say I won’t tell a lie in the future but what I can tell you is that it doesn’t feel good when I do it. I feel the weight of guilt, frustration, worry and general distaste. In that moment of being able to chose, and knowing what the consequences of my choice were, I finally chose what was best for me. For my psyche. I may never repair those relationships and that’s a consequence of the situation but at least I know that I was honest and I’m not hiding anything. I’m not keeping secrets or protecting lies. I am free of that and that freedom is delicious.

Finally, I’ve been taking a good long look at why I’m drinking and why I have started smoking pot again *gasp* and really, the question there is why am I chasing that dragon? Why am I feeling the need to live a life that’s not a sober one and again, I think it’s to get away from facing up to what I already know. Things are different now. Pot is not my deal and when I think about hiding it from my kids and being paranoid that I’m going to get “caught”, it is clear to me that my conscience already knows what my brain has been slow in realizing. It’s just not for me. Drinking makes me sick and I do and say stupid things when I’m drunk. It’s also not for me. I have to be ready to let that go. I have to learn to be comfortable and confident in my sober skin and that’s what I’m going to learn to do. I want a healthy life and not one that is foggy and half-remembered.

Finally, I have been examining the relationships I have in my life and I’ve started to question why I’ve prioritized some unhealhty, one-sided relationships over ones that I felt comfortable in. I have distanced myself from so many of my friends over the last few years and I am ashamed of that. I have a lot of fence mending to do and hopefully those fences are strong enough to be mended. I have been chasing people who couldn’t give a damn if I was in their lives or not, bending over backward, trying to be everything to everyone and I have forgotten that to a handful of people I am enough for them without even having to try.

I am so blessed to have found the person that I love completely. I am so blessed to have healthy, interested, good people as children. I am blessed to have fences that need mending. I am blessed that I realized it before it was too late.

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Fixing the broken

I’m baaaaack….didja miss me?

I’ve spent the last while in an incredibly introspective space. I needed that. Because of my retreat to the brain space, I’ve had time to think about me, who I was, who I am and who I want to be. End result? I’m becoming more and more comfortable in my skin as days go by and I am taking the time to think about the things that have, do and will define me as a person.  In short, I am figuring out who I am, what I want my legacy to be and how to make that happen.

The problem with my braincation and my love of analyzing myself is it is always a prime opportunity for me to totally diss me.  I am one of the many who let that horrible, terrible voice run rampant in my head.  I love to criticize, degrade and totally berate myself and I’m good at it.  The effects are endless.  I have Major (yes, capital M) issues with confidence, worth, respect, love, kindness, passion, trust.  Despite those issues, I’ve been working on moving from a place where those issues define my being to a place where those things are part of my being.  Easy peasy, right?. Not.

For many years, I allowed sexual power, manipulation, dishonesty, chaos, drama and darkness to rule my world.  Mostly because I didn’t want to have real quiet because with the quiet creeps up time to think.  With thinking comes realizations and I didn’t want to make any of those realizations. I wasn’t ready to make any of those realizations.  I was using negativity to distract myself from the real conversations I needed to have with myself. Basically, negativity was my security blanket.

Then one day…something happened.  Something changed.  I changed.

I followed my usual motis operandi and I became a part of something I shouldn’t have.  Why? Well, simply because I could. I needed to flex my power, flex my allure and flex the inevitable destruction that would follow. I needed to see, feel and be in that state one more time.  I needed that to realize that I didn’t want that and that I am more than that. To me, this past blunder represents so much of my time and energy over the years. I wasn’t just feeling the effects of this one time, I was feeling and sort of reliving all of the “one times” I’ve had over the years. I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions. Guilt, indignation, anger, denial, acceptance, shame, cruelty, justification, enlightenment, happiness, terrified, free and at peace.  I have accepted responsibility for my part in all of the hurts I’ve caused, to my current spouse, former quasi-spouse, children, friends, family and most importantly, to myself.

I often tell tales of days gone by and of “how I used to be”.  I used to be: skinny, hot, sexy, crazy, willing to do anything (and anywhere I might add), a bitch, fun, outgoing, easy-going, up for anything and someone you wanted to party with. Once upon a time I was proud of that. Now, when I think of my “used to be’s” all I hear is…I used to be insecure, unable to be trusted, confused, lacking in morals and strong values, superficial, and unstable.  I want my future to be defined with “I am’s”. So…

I am leaving my “used to be’s” where they belong. In my past.

I am letting go.

I am no longer that girl.

I am no longer broken.

These lyrics say it all (I changed them slightly to reflect my singular self)…

Never underestimate the fight in me

Ollie ollie ollie ollie let me free

You can never hold me down…

Rising up is all the rage…

You’ll never keep me locked…locked up

I’m like a Lion in a Cage

 

Resolutions and Evil Trolls

I have always been a fabulous resolution maker and a terrible resolution sticker-to’er.  This hasn’t changed and it never will so I gave up trying to perfect New Year’s resolutions.  Why?  Mostly because it’s an exercise in setting yourself up for failure and  I really, really hate failing. 

Now you know how I feel about resolutions so imagine my chuckles when I came across a site that’s called “2012 New Year’s Resolution Generator”…hell yeah!  I’m all over that…it’s the epitome of what is wrong with New Year’s resolutions.  Some random online generator that has no knowledge of where you are in your life, what needs to be changed or what your personal goals are.  So, laughing to myself, I clicked the link and waited on (barely) baited breath to see what my first resolution for 2012 would be…

Ready for it?

Be spiritual

W.T.F. – how can some random generator know I actually need to rediscover and embrace spirituality in my life.  And how can it be that, that particular item pops up first?  *sigh*  So I wipe that off as coincidence.  Fine.  I’ll play along.  Again…click on the link, chuckling to myself thinking that the inter-ether isn’t going to get the best of me!

Second times a charm, right?

Wrong.

Meditate

W.T.F. – again, is this machine tracking my thoughts or something?  Meditation is a definite must for me.  I need to get in touch with who I am, what I am and who I intend on being.  Meditation is an excellent outlet for this particular goal.

Ok…now I’m relying on the three strikes rule…click again, teeth gritted and waiting for some snarky “play less on the internet” resolution…

Not dwell on the past

*raises middle finger to computer monitor*

I’m pretty sure there are evil trolls in the computer that have mind-reading capabilities. 

Despite those irritating little trolls, these three resolutions are so incredibly true for me.  I am at a cross-road in my life and I’m struggling with the path that lies ahead of me mostly because I haven’t really dealt with the path that lies behind me.  Imagine trying to lug tonnes of baggage through mucky sand…yeah, that’s where I’m at.  So I’ve decided that I need to leave the baggage at this cross-road.  It means that my stop here is going to be a little longer than I had intended but in the end it’s time worth spending. 

Through attempting to offload some of this baggage, I’ve been dealing with some pretty ugly, brutal memories.  It’s stuff like this that brings up some very hard questions, very hard emotions and at times, a terrible aloneness.  BUT…it also provides me an opportunity for some closure.  An opportunity to move past the ugliness and move into a better space.  And each time I take that opportunity, I lighten my load just a little bit more.  And THAT is a very good thing.

And for any of you that are wondering if those pesky little trolls ever found a sense of humour, here are the 10 resolutions that ridiculous program came up for me (yes, I went all the way to 10)

1) Be spiritual

2) Meditate

3) Not dwell on the past

4) Participate

5) Find the time

6) Try harder

7) Be curious (ok, maybe this one is their idea of a joke…curiousity is simply a part of my nature and more often than not gets me into a LOAD of trouble)

8) Be me

9) Listen

10) Appreciate the simple things

11) Be fearless

…ok, I know that’s 11 but I just needed to see if I was going to get a funny one.  For what it’s worth, my co-worker got 1) solve the rubik’s cube 2) learn to say hello in 5 languages and 3) Re-read a book from high school…apparently the trolls like her much better.

For those of you who’d like to giv’er a shot, here’s the website: http://www.moninavelarde.com/newyears/

For those pesky trolls…next year, I’ll make sure you’ve got nuthin’…oh wait, crap…was that a resolution?