Tag Archives: supportive family

Ohana

I don’t come from a large family or a particularly close family so I’ve always envied large families and ones that are super close. It’s always been something I wish I had but figured I wouldn’t ever really have. I mean most of my family lives half a world away and it’s fragmented at best so I came to accept that I just wouldn’t ever have that big, fun, family that I had always dreamed of. Then I married my husband. He has his own children which gave us an instantly larger family and he has a brother who’s married with children so I thought YES! I will finally have the large, close knit family I had always wanted. So I worked. And worked, and worked, and worked. I worked at being accepted, at being loved by that extended family, at pulling together the family I had always hoped for and for a time, a very short time, I thought we had actually overcome all the differences, all the troubles, all the drama of years past and we were finally a “family”.

Boy was I wrong. I’ve mentioned how wrong I can be, right?

I have come to the realization that it was all just a big delusion on my part. That “close-knit” family I had come to be so proud of was really all in my head. Over the years, we would host big family dinners and celebrate as a family but for the first time, I’m realizing that it was always me to initiate those get togethers. We would constantly extend invites to outings, picnics, backyard BBQ’s, dinners, movies, whatever and there would always be an excuse or a reason that they wouldn’t be able to come. We would share our alcohol, food, work, time, pay for our niece, etc but those favours were never returned. As a matter of fact, all we’ve ever been accused of is not helping enough.

For a short time, I felt like I had a brother close to me but it was just another delusion. I was a time-filler. Someone to go for coffee with and, most times, pay for it. My sister-in-law once said to me, that she was tired of being the one to pursue a relationship with someone. That relationships were two-way streets and it felt like she was always the one working. Funny, I’ve always been the one working on a relationship with her. Clearly I missed the message. I am disposable to both of these people. That became so clear when I finally, for once, told the truth. I knew that there were some shady things happening and I just couldn’t watch the games that were being played around me. I sought counsel of many people about what they would do and the vote was split. Some said tell, others said don’t. I care about the person being hurt. I care about the person doing the hurting. So I decided that if I was asked, I wouldn’t lie. And I didn’t. Holy backlash batman!

The whole situation makes me so sad. I’ve tried to be angry but I’m not. I’m just sad. These realizations are always the hardest. It is hard to realize that you don’t mean much to someone, especially when you’ve held that person, or in this case people, in such high regard.

The great thing about realizing who you mean little to, is you also start to realize who you mean a lot to. I’ve been so focussed on making the family I married into work that I lost sight of the family that I actually built. I have really amazing friends, many of whom I consider family. I was able to realize that I’d really neglected relationships with people who mean the world to me and I’m so thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to start rebuilding them. People who want me around simply because they like who I am and enjoy spending time with me.

At the end of it all, life is just teaching me the true definition of “family”.

ohana-means-family

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The Bitch about Blogging

I started my very first journal when I was young, perhaps around 10 or so, and I’ve been going at it ever since. My first diary was filled with, quite literally, random babble. A young girl trying to figure out how to put her emotions and thoughts to words. Over the years, instead of being a day to day thing, my diaries became more of a vent-space. Spaces were earned by friends who were pissing me off, boyfriends who jilted me, my parents and their never-ending banter and just life in general. It was my very own burn book.

burnbook

As the years progressed, people whom I trusted would read those thoughts even when uninvited. My mother and my (now ex) boyfriend were the worst offenders. So I learned that I couldn’t really be honest in those spaces because my words would inevitably be thrown in my face. Over the years, I just stopped writing in paper books and would create electronic documents that I could password protect and ensure my privacy. That worked wonders.

Moving along…enter the age of blogging…

When I first heard of “blogging”, I could not figure out what that meant. To be honest, it sounded like a disease I was not interested in catching. Then I started poking around on the interwebz and came across some very funny folks who I still read to this day (check the blog roll, yo). Blogging was a perfect way for me to get out my thoughts and rants and musings in a semi-anonomous way. So up went my site. Even though I write about some very personal things, I know that this space IS open to the great wide world. Even though anyone and their dog can read this, I decided to share my space with a few family and friends and I even posted it on my facecrackbook profile. I wanted to share my words, my lessons, my wisdom and my humour with those people who care about me and care about what I have to say. Over the years, I’ve gotten a few followers (can I get a WHOOP WHOOP) and they’ve even commented (which I find profoundly awesome because I don’t know most of them in “real” life).

Now, if you’ve read my past posts, you know that I have a special, smirky hate hard-on for computer trolls. They usually @#&$ up my New Years resolutions by dealing me a hand of #lookdeepinyoursoul cards when I’m simply looking for the #i’mboredatworkandwanttolaugh deck. It turns out that these critters, the ones living amongst the circuit boards, eating RAM and making programs glitch out, their trollish tittering disguised as fans whirling and whizzing to life, are actually closely related to the infamous internet trolls. troll

Ugly little things, right? Unlike the devious computer trolls, who like to play on people’s frustrations and crash software programs JUST as you’re moving towards the save button, internet trolls are actually real people. I know, shocked right? These trolls are disguised as humans. Instead of playing on pure frustration for technology, these tricky trolls play more with emotions, invoking sadness, anger, hate and inspiring arguments around a vast and rather unpoliced space. The internet trolls like to leave nasty comments and start long-winded arguments on other peoples’ spaces in the interwebz and then sit back and watch the fire storm that usually follows.

I, personally, have been found by one local internet troll (thank you IP address tracker). Basically this can only, really mean one thing…I am now a real blogger!! *big grin* For those of you out there who can’t shrug off that kind of verbal diarrhera, I am sorry that you have to deal with trolls. I hear they like to eat goats. realdeal

If you are curious about my stats (if you are, you are one step ahead of me…it wasn’t until I read another blog that I realized I even had a “Year in Review”), I have posted them for you to ohhhh and ahhhh over. ‘Til next time folks!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,500 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.