Come as you are…

“Come as you are, as you were,
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy.
Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours, don’t be late.”

Ahh…the lyrics that shapped my early teenaged years. Good ole Nirvana. I can distinctly remember 13 year old me talking about how I could relate to the lyrics because I had grown so much over the years (yes, that was written while rolling my eyes). Boy do I wish I could go back and smack 13 year old me up side the head.

Certain things have been happening in my life that have really made me look at who I am and who’ve I’ve become. I spout off about the stories of who I used to be and the things I used to do but I rarely talk about who I am and I’ve come up with a theory on why. Basically, the person I used to be is familiar and I know what to expect when I behave in those ways but this new, more honest version of me is scary as hell.

The person I used to be smoked weed, got drunk, screwed around, lied, was manipulative, usually had an alterior motive but that is who I used to be. I didn’t really give a shit about anyone but myself. If I spoke up about something, it’s because I stood to gain soemthing. If I wanted to get high, get drunk, and/or have sex I’d just call up whoever would be willing and go to ‘er, the consequences never really mattered.

That’s all changed. I like to pin point my own extra marital affair as the piviotal point of change but I think it’s been happening for a long time before that, maybe I just started paying attention after that last encounter. Recently, I was faced with a decision to lie or tell the truth. Lying would have been so much easier, in the short term anyway. I could have preserved one relationship and stalled the strain on another but in the moment when I had the choice, I chose to tell the truth. I’ve asked myself why so many times in the past while because that’s not what I’d normally do. I’m glad I’ve had the wherewithall to question the why because I’ve been pleasantly surprised by my answers.

First, I’ve had the awesome opportunity to realize and celebrate the fact that my values and moral compass have shifted. I no longer identify with being a “cheater” or “cheap” or “easy” or “a homewrecker”. That’s just not who I am anymore. I’ve made peace with that part of me and it feels fantastic. I find myself getting defensive when someone says “once a cheater, always a cheater” because that’s not true, I am no longer a cheater nor will I ever be again.

I also don’t identify with being a liar. I am not completely innocent when it comes to lying and I can’t say I won’t tell a lie in the future but what I can tell you is that it doesn’t feel good when I do it. I feel the weight of guilt, frustration, worry and general distaste. In that moment of being able to chose, and knowing what the consequences of my choice were, I finally chose what was best for me. For my psyche. I may never repair those relationships and that’s a consequence of the situation but at least I know that I was honest and I’m not hiding anything. I’m not keeping secrets or protecting lies. I am free of that and that freedom is delicious.

Finally, I’ve been taking a good long look at why I’m drinking and why I have started smoking pot again *gasp* and really, the question there is why am I chasing that dragon? Why am I feeling the need to live a life that’s not a sober one and again, I think it’s to get away from facing up to what I already know. Things are different now. Pot is not my deal and when I think about hiding it from my kids and being paranoid that I’m going to get “caught”, it is clear to me that my conscience already knows what my brain has been slow in realizing. It’s just not for me. Drinking makes me sick and I do and say stupid things when I’m drunk. It’s also not for me. I have to be ready to let that go. I have to learn to be comfortable and confident in my sober skin and that’s what I’m going to learn to do. I want a healthy life and not one that is foggy and half-remembered.

Finally, I have been examining the relationships I have in my life and I’ve started to question why I’ve prioritized some unhealhty, one-sided relationships over ones that I felt comfortable in. I have distanced myself from so many of my friends over the last few years and I am ashamed of that. I have a lot of fence mending to do and hopefully those fences are strong enough to be mended. I have been chasing people who couldn’t give a damn if I was in their lives or not, bending over backward, trying to be everything to everyone and I have forgotten that to a handful of people I am enough for them without even having to try.

I am so blessed to have found the person that I love completely. I am so blessed to have healthy, interested, good people as children. I am blessed to have fences that need mending. I am blessed that I realized it before it was too late.

2012: A Year in Question

According to some, the world as we know it will be coming to an end in four short days.  While some people scoff at the notion, others are taking it seriously.  I’m not sure what will happen on Friday but it seems to me that some sort of change is in order.  Take a look around – our world is becoming horrific.  

This weekend, I let my mind wander around the hallowed halls of Christmas time memories and traditions.  In talking to my mother-in-law, she was telling us about what Christmas was like for her as a young girl.  Their family didn’t have a lot of money and gifts didn’t cover the living room floor.  They got one small gift each and sometimes had to share that one gift.  The thing that struck me most was that she was remembering her Christmas’ fondly, there was no hurt feelings because she didn’t get a lot of “stuff”.  Christmas for her generation was about family, being together and having a special time.  That didn’t necessarily equate to things.  On that note, I was raised differently.  I was given every thing my heart could desire.  My Christmas mornings were 5 hour long productions, marathon gift opening to be exact. I can’t imagine the debt my parents incurred trying to give me that.  And you know what?  I can’t recall with any clarity what I got on any of those Christmas mornings.  All of that “stuff” has long since disappeared.  My Christmas memories are more about going to Christmas functions, school plays and our own family traditions.  It is difficult to break that cycle but it’s one I’m feeling like I need to break.  I remember being a small child and the idea of Santa not bringing gifts because I was naughty was a real thing.  Now, I think most children would roll their eyes and say “whatever”.  That is what entitlement does to people.

I worry for those children who haven’t learned and are not learning good values, the satisfaction of hard work, are being seduced by fame and mostly who are not being held accountable for who they are and their actions.  This past Friday, our nightmares came true.  A young man walked into a school and murdered students and teachers alike.  I believe that event and the subsequent media frenzy pretty well outlines exactly what is wrong with our world right now.  Firstly, why did that man have such easy access to those weapons?  Why can’t the US get it straight – you should NOT have the right to bear arms.  Your arms laws are making it easier and easier for people to kill one another.  Stop giving everyone a gun.  It’s a bad idea.  Secondly, stop making your health care systems for profit.  These are the people of your nation.  Take care of them.  Stop picking wars with other countries and take care of your own.

I have a hard time writing about this subject because example after example after example of how messed up we are comes to mind.  I simply can’t type fast enough to get it all out.  The indignation, anger and deep sadness I feel for the state of humanity is close to unbearble. 

That all being said, I have spent a considerable amount of time looking within myself to see if I am contributing to this incredible downward spiral or if I am trying to make it better.  I think I am walking both lines.  With the “end of the world” looming ever closer, I have been looking at my loved ones a little closer.  I layed next to my husband last night and looked at him.  Really looked at him, traced each line in his face with my eyes, breathed in the scent of him, put my feet on his and rubbed them just feeling him close to me.  I spend so much of my time focussed on what’s not right, what needs to change and what isn’t getting done, I sometimes forget to just stop and enjoy being with him.  Together we’ve faced incredible adversity, we’ve built a life together, we overcame incredible odds just to be together and we share a love that is deep.  Sometimes I forget that regardless of life’s stresses, life’s worries and life’s horror, I have someone with me.  That’s a lot more than a lot of people have.  Again, with the end of the world looming, I have been hugging my kids more often, hugging them closer, tighter and longer.  My son will be 14 in a few short weeks.  The days of long hugs are going to come to an end.  As he takes his first steps into young adult hood and I fight to keep him small, it will become tougher and tougher to live with one another.  So I’m hugging him more and more.  My little daughter.  She is getting taller and taller and the “tween” years are not too far in the future.  I am praying we get through those years a little better than my Mom did.  I am praying that things are different than with our eldest daughter.  I am praying she remembers how much we love her.  Basically, I’m praying that our parenting is strong enough to get both my son and daughter through the next 5 years clean, successful and still alive.  I worry about this more and more simply because of the state of our world.

So, whether or not the world will truly end at the tail end of this week has yet to be determined but I really believe that something needs to change.  We, meaning humanity, simply can’t carry on the way we have been.

Skeleton’s in Social Media’s Closet

Social media – incredible, useful, brilliant and scary all at the same time.  Twitter, Facebook, LinkdIn, Digg, Stumble Upon, various blog sites, forums and chat rooms…a million ways to connect with people all over the world.

At times I am awed by the power of social media sites.  I have been able to connect with people I went to school with, thousands of miles away.  I have been able to offer my support and advice from one Coast to another.  I have been able to witness, at least through pictures, births, weddings, deaths, life threatening diseases and I have been able to send a quick note of love, prayer and support to at the touch of a button.

Through blogging, I have been able to work through some very personal issues.  Vent and rant about things that roll around in my mind.  I have been able to share parts of me that I didn’t think I could, say the things that I didn’t think I could say and get out the things that take up WAY too much of my brain space.  Through my writing, my words and this blog, I have touched other people’s lives with my writing and even have “followers” (ps…YAY FOLLOWERS!  Thank you!!!).  Through accessing social media, I have been able to read about the struggles of other mothers trying to get through each and every day, I have been able to read a struggle with mental health, I have been both moved to tears and laughter through the skill of other writers. 

These are awesome things.  Powerful things.  The bright side of social media.

But what about the dark side?

Websites like thedirty.com; facebook stalkers, craigslist killers…the stuff that no one really talks about but we all should be thinking about.  Facebook added a function where you could “check in” to places that you are currently and immediately my back went up.  My first thought was “why do my facebook friends need to EXACTLY where I am?” and my second thought was “if they know where I am, then they can figure out where I’m not”.  I’m sure that every one of the people I have on my facebook site are good people.  I have also locked down my profile so that you would have to be a pretty proficient hacker in order to access my information but a lot of people don’t do that.  There whereabouts are out there for the WORLD to see.  Me, you and Mr. Aklihovinaoa from Africa who would like to send you your $5,000,000,000 inheritance. By telling the world where you are, you are inherently telling them where you are NOT.  Such as…at your house (welcome robbers)…or with your children (hello abductors)…or precisely where you’ll be leaving shortly (hello creep-o’s who stalk people). 

The dirty.com is a ridiculous website that I am so grateful did not exist in my youth.  That would have been serious trouble and my heart goes out to the younger generations who have to deal with excessive access to information.  Who have to deal with bad decisions and moments in your life being posted online, for anyone to see – f.o.r.e.v.e.r.  This also opens the door to a whole new avenue of bullying.  “Cyber-bullying” is a relatively new phrase but one that needs to be talked about.  Often.  With our world becoming more and more mobile, our lives, our children and ourselves are more and more accessible and vulnerable. Every little thing you do, every little place you go, every public (and sometimes not-so-public) decision you ever make has the potential to be captured, posted and commented on.  Think…”Wal-Martians”…people who make poor wardrobe choices and then go into Walmart get their picture taken and get posted to a website for the WHOLE world to look at and laugh at.  I have been one of those people who look and laugh.  To me, I am a cyber-bully.  What business of is it of mine what someone else decides to wear to a store?  Why do I even care?  Do I feel so crappy about my own self that I need to look at someone else and laugh?  Cause I think my momma taught me better than that.

The darkside of social media is that often times the human is taken out of what we’re looking at.  Those girls/ boys on thedirty, the people on Walmartians, and sites such as that are all people.  Perhaps they’re underpriviledged, perhaps they are mentally challenged, perhaps they just like what they’re wearing, whatever the reason…good on ’em.